Take me to your (art) dealer.

I read an article today about aliens.

Specifically, what aliens would find interesting about humans if they came to Earth. Basically it points out that if an alien race could reach us they would be much more advanced than us and therefore they wouldn’t be too interested in our achievements in math and science. They’d be like those little shithead future kids in Back to the Future II that make fun of Marty for playing Wild Gunman

So aliens would be more interested in our artistic side. Ha, not if they landed their UFO around here. Some of the artistic experts quoted in the article suggest introducing aliens to music by Bach, Vivaldi, and other Baroque composers and Pre-Raphaelite paintings as an example of our visual art.

That’s all well and good but I can’t help but think that if aliens want a true sense of the most wondrous capabilities of the human mind that they may need to be shown some of man’s artistic creations that don’t quite jive with the squares if you catch my drift. So Mr. Alien, give me your creepy little hand or float behind me or if you’re like Starman assume the form of a dead loved one and let’s go look at some real art.



Let’s start with music. Music is amazing because it can evoke feelings with mere sounds. But do aliens even have music? Wait of course they do. There’s GWAR and Alien Ant Farm to prove that, Duh. So you aliens probably don’t like classical music at all. You’re probably more into music that’s heavy and or awful. In that case I have one word for you, Jackyl.

This evokes feelings of stop and why and turn it off with mere sounds.

Ha ha ha… he’s playing a chainsaw. Boy, if you thought you were superior to humans before, I can’t imagine what you think now. But that’s nothing. Let’s move on to visual art.

Our galleries are full of great paintings and sculptures but any artist will tell you that visual art can be seen all around us and in everyday life. Most notably on people’s arms, legs and sadly even faces. Yes, Mr. Alien I’m talking about tattoos. Not only are they artistically appealing but they also convey a message to us about the person that wears them. Let me show you some examples:

Here the artist is trying to convey that the recipient is drunk and that the artist is an asshole.

Here the artist lets us know that the recipient isn’t drunk and thinks she’s better than everyone because of it.

And finally this one tells us that the recipient really, really like you guys… and weed.

But visual art doesn’t need to be static. There are moving pictures that are moving pictures, get it? No, don’t reach for your probe it was just a play on words! I’m talking about film. People here on Earth like to talk about movies like Citizen Kane and the God Father being cinematic masterpieces to seem smart. But when they go home, just like you and me, they French’s mustard up some Triscuits and throw in a movie like Zapped starring Scott Baio. It’s a movie about a kid who acquires telekinetic powers and uses them to help him and his friends get laid or something. Here’s a clip that reminded me of you.



Also it had a wicked poster.

You’re right Mr. Alien, that is Willie Aames who Played Buddy in Charles in Charge. Fuck you aliens ARE smart.

There’s one more thing I’d like to show you, the art of videogames. Some people think that today’s videogames are a new artistic medium.

The Louvre in two years time.

Others like Roger Ebert  disagree. But then again Roger Ebert liked Dropped Dead Fred so what does he know?

I don’t know about video games being art but they certainly evoke some of the same creativity that artists do, both in the game developers and in the players. For example look what my old friend Limmy likes to do with Grand Theft Auto IV.



Another good example is The Sims. It’s a life simulation game. You could argue that the sheer number of people that play The Sims, with its mundane game play that mimics everyday life, gives the game as much social commentary as any contemporary art piece. This is even more apparent when our smartest human beings (the Japanese) use the style of The Sims to make fun of our dumbest human beings (the cast of Jersey Shore).



Yeah… coughs… ummm… well thanks for coming Mr. Alien here take a t-shirt to remember your trip.

Don’t forget to tell everyone on your planet what you learned. I’m sure you’ll be back to blow us up real soon.

Like explorer's of old they've come for our corn.

Steven Hawking says that aliens undoubtedly exist and that we should be afraid of them .

Now if you ask me, Steven Hawking is kind of scary at first glance too but he is the smartest man alive. Don’t believe me? Why not go the route of the dumbest people alive and Google it.

What I’m trying to say is that sure, we’ve all been told to either watch out for aliens or be afraid of aliens but usually it’s from guys like this.

Now we’ve got Steven Hawking warning us. He seems to think that aliens will come and exploit Earth for its resources and treat us like explorers did the Indians. He said:

I imagine they might exist in massive ships... having used up all the resources from the planet below… Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they could reach. If so, it makes sense for them to exploit each new planet for materials to build more spaceships so they could move on.

Well they better get here soon. The way things are going this place is going to have less resources then the makers of The Incredible Melting Man.



I like the part at the end where it says, Come Prepared! With what a bucket? It does raise a valid point though. If these aliens are going to come down here and bogart are stuff we should be prepared. But how do we prepare for something we’ve never encountered? I guess the only thing we can do is examine the possible types of aliens that we’ve come up with so far. That means movie aliens. Let’s start with the first ones that come to mind.

The aliens from the Aliens movies.

The only thing that can stop these aliens is tough, dykey women.

So I say we take all the planet’s militant bull dykes.

Pair them with those women in jail that you see on Lock Down.

Arm them up and let them loose on those Alien aliens.



Either that or, provided the aliens acid blood isn’t folic acid (which will eat through rubber), we can just run them over with Monster Trucks.

The aliens from E.T.

Now E.T. aliens aren’t nearly as threatening as Alien aliens. They don’t have acid for blood and physically they’re about as capable as the last kid picked in gym.

What they do have though is some kind of mental powers and that freaky glow finger.

So here’s what we do. We all hide in the subway and lure the E.T.s down there with Reese’s Pieces (cell phone’s don’t work in the subway so I’m assuming neither will E.T. mind control). When they get down there, we grab em, step on their wrists, cut their fingers off and bash em to death with fish bats. Just like I saw a guy do to a sting ray down in Florida once. I wonder if he ate it? I don’t know what E.T.’s taste like but maybe they’re delicious like that alien Spewey from Get a Life.





E.T.’s also seem to like to bond with children.

We could trick them into bonding with some of those Indonesian child slave laborers and see who dies first making capri pants for Old Navy.

The Aliens from Mars Attacks

Mars aliens are mean little SOBs but at least they’re not too hard to kill. They can’t stand bad music.



Well if that’s the case then we’ve got unlimited ammo.

If they attack from the north…

If they attack from the south…

If they attack from the east…

And if they attack from the west…

You know what after looking at all that maybe we should just let them enslave us. How much worse can their music be?



The aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

These are more like those spooky real-deal aliens you hear about from abduction stories and Alien Autopsy.

These are the guys that come down here to mutilate our cows, unload crates of Bigfoots and anal probe hillbillies.



Yeah… no one’s really figured out a way to stop those aliens yet. So if they come on mass we’re kinda screwed. There is one piece of advice that might help but it doesn’t come from any movie alien. It comes from Lawrence next door in Office Space.