I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I Hate Tiger Woods.

Every morning I turn on the TV to watch the news and guess what? There’s no news. There’s just this awkwardly smiling golf playing, blonde pumping, muscley dip shit Tiger Woods.

He’s on ESPN, CNN, CBS, TBS, ABC, NBC, CBC, BBC the only thing keeping off TLN is that he isn’t a  fucking midget. There’s no escape. He’s all over the internet and even the radio. Howard Stern has been talking non-stop about Tiger’s penis for about 2 months now.

And have you seen the latest? The creepy black and white Nike commercial with Tiger hearing the ghostly voice of his dead father?

I literally saw this commercial ten times in the space of half an hour this morning. Still, it’s not as bad as the one time I saw the original Ghost Dad back in 1990.

I’m just so sick of turning on my TV and the first thing I see is Tiger Woods lumbering around the golf course in that purple shirt awkwardly trying to live his life.

And there’s nothing that will make it go away. Even if he were to just explode on the golf course. Then that’s all people would be talking about.

Anderson Cooper: We’re going into our 93rd straight hour covering the Tiger Woods self-combustion story. Coming up in a moment we’re going to have a live interview with spectator Milky Bullard who believes he was grazed by one of Tiger’s chunks.

Howard Stern: I wonder if they’ve found Tiger Woods penis yet? Man… Tiger Woods. Guy had a big penis… Penis.
Nope. It would have to take something astronomical to get Tiger Woods off the news. Maybe Jack Nicklaus showing up at the Masters in a Ninja Gi and lopping off pro golfers heads like Sho Kosugi in Ninja 3 the Domination would do it.

I doubt it. Jack Nicklaus is 70 years old now and would undoubtly loose to 18 year old Asian Amateur Champion Chang-Won Han from South Korea.

In a final battle that no one sees anyway because they’re too busy reading year old text messages from Tiger Woods to the neighbor girl asking her if she’s Touching Herself

Maybe the answer lies in North Korea. What if Kim Jong Il showed up at the masters and hit 18 holes in one, thus breaking his earlier record of  11 holes in one the first time he ever golfed? In honour of this accomplishment all future Masters winners could be given one of Kim Jong Il’s fashionable jumpsuits instead of the green jacket.

His final hole in one could be hit into one of those crazy golf clown mouths.

Except instead of lighting up and giving Kim a free game it launches a nuke at South Korea. Take that Chang-Won Han!

(Hole in Won! Ha ha ha!)

Nope. Tiger Woods would take down the missile with a carefully placed chip shot into its ventilation shaft, guided by the ghostly voice of his father Obi Woods Kenobi.

Chang-Won Han Solo: Great shot kid. That was one in a million.
Chang 3P0: Oh thank goodness master Woods, you’ve saved us!

Damn it. Looks like Tiger Woods is here to stay. Even if he tanks at the masters and Nike dumps him, he’ll still be on TV in those Cheetah drink commercials like Ben Johnson.

Oh well. At least there’s one image of Tiger that we won’t be seeing anytime soon.

Ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

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