I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Like explorer's of old they've come for our corn.

Steven Hawking says that aliens undoubtedly exist and that we should be afraid of them .

Now if you ask me, Steven Hawking is kind of scary at first glance too but he is the smartest man alive. Don’t believe me? Why not go the route of the dumbest people alive and Google it.

What I’m trying to say is that sure, we’ve all been told to either watch out for aliens or be afraid of aliens but usually it’s from guys like this.

Now we’ve got Steven Hawking warning us. He seems to think that aliens will come and exploit Earth for its resources and treat us like explorers did the Indians. He said:

I imagine they might exist in massive ships... having used up all the resources from the planet below… Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they could reach. If so, it makes sense for them to exploit each new planet for materials to build more spaceships so they could move on.
Well they better get here soon. The way things are going this place is going to have less resources then the makers of The Incredible Melting Man.

I like the part at the end where it says, Come Prepared! With what a bucket? It does raise a valid point though. If these aliens are going to come down here and bogart are stuff we should be prepared. But how do we prepare for something we’ve never encountered? I guess the only thing we can do is examine the possible types of aliens that we’ve come up with so far. That means movie aliens. Let’s start with the first ones that come to mind.

The aliens from the Aliens movies.

The only thing that can stop these aliens is tough, dykey women.

So I say we take all the planet’s militant bull dykes.

Pair them with those women in jail that you see on Lock Down.

Arm them up and let them loose on those Alien aliens.

Either that or, provided the aliens acid blood isn’t folic acid (which will eat through rubber), we can just run them over with Monster Trucks.

The aliens from E.T.

Now E.T. aliens aren’t nearly as threatening as Alien aliens. They don’t have acid for blood and physically they’re about as capable as the last kid picked in gym.

What they do have though is some kind of mental powers and that freaky glow finger.

So here’s what we do. We all hide in the subway and lure the E.T.s down there with Reese’s Pieces (cell phone’s don’t work in the subway so I’m assuming neither will E.T. mind control). When they get down there, we grab em, step on their wrists, cut their fingers off and bash em to death with fish bats. Just like I saw a guy do to a sting ray down in Florida once. I wonder if he ate it? I don’t know what E.T.’s taste like but maybe they’re delicious like that alien Spewey from Get a Life.

E.T.’s also seem to like to bond with children.

We could trick them into bonding with some of those Indonesian child slave laborers and see who dies first making capri pants for Old Navy.

The Aliens from Mars Attacks

Mars aliens are mean little SOBs but at least they’re not too hard to kill. They can’t stand bad music.

Well if that’s the case then we’ve got unlimited ammo.

If they attack from the north…

If they attack from the south…

If they attack from the east…

And if they attack from the west…

You know what after looking at all that maybe we should just let them enslave us. How much worse can their music be?

The aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

These are more like those spooky real-deal aliens you hear about from abduction stories and Alien Autopsy.

These are the guys that come down here to mutilate our cows, unload crates of Bigfoots and anal probe hillbillies.

Yeah… no one’s really figured out a way to stop those aliens yet. So if they come on mass we’re kinda screwed. There is one piece of advice that might help but it doesn’t come from any movie alien. It comes from Lawrence next door in Office Space.

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