I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Thanks for not exploding yet, I just got new jeans.

Attention non-hippies. Today is Earth Day.

I wouldn’t have known if it hadn’t been on the news this morning. Even then I almost missed it as most of the news was being drowned out by my gas powered blender making my morning daiquiris.

Earth day was founded in 1969 by this guy.

Oh wait, sorry. That’s his dog, my bad. Here we go. It was this guy.

(Some Gaylord)

Here he is with his dog.

And here they are dancing.

Here’s a bunch of similar dogs all dancing a conga line.

Here’s the conga line scene from Weekend at Bernie’s II

Alright back to Earth Day.

On Earth Day we are all supposed to think about the environment and try to be more environmentally conscientious. This means there’s probably a lot of moms out there using Earth Day as an excuse to get their kids to clean their room and there are a lot of dads out there using Earth Day as an excuse not to mow the lawn.

Nice try Mom.

(File photo: Mom)

Nice try dad.

(File photo: Dad)

Go back to your excellent parenting and let Uncle Johnny handle the Earth Day ideas. I’ve got plenty. Such as…


Every year our landfills fill with more and more garbage. Dump bears and the homeless can only eat so much of it.

That’s why I propose that everyone start littering this Earth Day. If we all litter then this will prolong the time that garbage takes to reach our landfills as it will have to sit around our yards and streets until some senior citizen or crying Indian puts it in the trash. It won’t save the planet but it will buy us some time.

Burn Your Car

Everyone knows that car emissions cause tons of pollution. If we all set fire to our cars on Earth Day, we can eradicate pollution in one blaze of glory. Also you can get a friend to film you running away from it while it explodes so you have your very own Earth Day action movie souvenir!

We could take it one step further and burn all the cars at the junkyard and while we’re at it burn the dump as well. Just make sure to shoe all the dump bears away (the homeless can shoe themselves away).

(So long pollution. I hope you burn in hell.)

Go to the Bathroom Outside

Environmentalists are always complaining about how much water toilets waste. The solution? Just go outside. You can even shit right in your garden and cut out the composting middle man. If you live in the city and don’t have a garden then request neighborhood latrines in local parks. It’s a good way to meet your neighbors.

When the latrines start getting full, you just top them off with gasoline and light them on fire (Is their no problem fire can’t solve?)

The army does it. Are you telling me you don’t support our troops you commie?

Drop Acid

Sure it’s nice to pay homage to the environment on Earth Day but why not also pay tribute to our environmental forefathers too. Yes I’m talking about dirty smelly hippies.

Everyone knows that there’s nothing hippies like more then dropping acid.

So in honor of the first true earth lovers I say everyone takes acid on Earth Day. Wirth your mind both focused and expanded you’ll be able to do just as much for the planet as the hippies of old.

(This saved the whales.)

Kill Each Other

Let’s face it. The only thing that will really help the environment is getting rid of all the parasitic people. Therefore Earth Day should be the one day that you’re allowed to kill who ever you like with impunity.

Kill your boss.

Kill Your Annoying Neighbor.

Got a band you don’t like? Kill them.

(I suggest using land mines.)

You get the idea. I know it won’t get rid of the entire human race but it’s a good start. Think of it as spring cleaning.

(April 23rd, Garbage day!)

That’s all I’ve got for now. Maybe if I dropped acid or if they let us have Earth Day off work I could think of some more. Anyway, here are a few words from Captain Planet to close things off.

This planet sucks! Buuuuuurrrrpppp!

No comments: