I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This just in: Gay comic turns gay!

Archie Comics is going to introduce a  homosexual character this year.

I am shocked and appalled! You mean to tell me that Archie Comics still exists? Even when I was a kid you couldn’t give those fucking things away. Surely whatever readership they’ve clung to over the last 20 years or so have died of old age or boredom by now.

(Last year’s Archie Comic Convention)

Now that I think about it I do seem to recall hearing something about Archie finally proposing to Betty or Veronica a year or so ago.

I don’t remember which one he picked because I don’t really give a shit. All I know is if it wasn’t Betty, that girl is going to go Travis the Chimp crazy due to her disturbing obsession with Archie.

So how is a gay character going to cope in Riverdale? Isn’t it perpetually like 1955 there? We all know how small towns in the 50s treated people that were different.

Does Riverdale even have any black people in it? Ok, I just checked, they do. Charles “Chuck” Clayton and his dad Floyd Clayton who is the high school basketball coach (way to think outside the box on that one Archie Comics). Oh, also Archie is in an inter-racial relationship with Josie from Josie and the Pussycats.

(Is that just a costume or is she some kind of manimal?)

So alright, if Riverdale has black people and manimals then maybe they are ready for a gay guy. The problem is they’re only introducing one. That means he’s going to have to seduce someone else from the Archie world. So who do you think swish Kevin Keller will wind up pouring the pork to? Let’s see who he has to choose from.

Archibald “Archie” Andrews

I can’t see it happening. If they made Archie gay, whatever is left of their geriatric fan base would suffer hate strokes. Besides, Archie never changes his clothes and nobody really likes gingers.

Forsyth Pendleton “Jughead” Jones III

Jughead is a definite possibility. He’s described as sarcastic and apathetic towards girls. But he’s also lazy and food obsessed. So Kevin might stay away. Unless he’s into  Feederism.

Reginald “Reggie” Mantel III

Reggie is a strong possibility. He’s sporty, aggressive and outgoing. Plus a deep-rooted closeted homosexuality would explain his mean spiritedness and bullying. He is a little self absorbed though.

Reggie might go the Liberace route and force Kevin to have plastic surgery and dress like him so he can have sex with himself.

Marmaduke “Moose” Mason

I don’t know. He’s seems a little too typical dumb jock to be anything more then a one night keg-stand. Although after seeing this I’m not so sure.

So who’s it going to be? It doesn’t matter. Archie has always been gay. Until recently it’s just been the lame and terrible gay. Now it will be every kind of gay. If I was gay I’d be less happy about gays breaking down a barrier by gaining a voice in this gay comic and more upset that gays are being associated with a comic that’s so gay. Anyway, I’ll leave you all pondering what the fuck this Archie comic means. Adios homos.

P.S. In 2003 Archie Comics issued a cease and desist letter to the Dad’s Garage Theatre Company in Atlanta the day before they were supposed to open a play about Archie coming out of the closet and moving to New York. The play was called Archie’s Weird Fantasy. Archie Comics thought that if Archie was portrayed as gay (in a terrible play at some tiny theatre that no one is going to see) that it would tarnish his image. And now look at them. See, I told you that gay comic is gay.

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