I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Though Dost Command the Ghost of Porky's

Hello folks, Bob Clark’s ghost here.

You probably remember me from when I was alive and I directed the greatest Canadian film of all time… Porky’s.

Yes, it is the movie with the guy with the big wang called Meat and yes it’s the movie with the shower scene where Beulah Ballbricker grabs the other guy’s wang. But enough about my cinematic masterpiece Johnny Creepshow has channeled me from the great beyond because he has an important message he wants me to give you about Our Canadian national anthem.

I know most of you outside of Canada think that it’s this.

But actually it’s this.

Now it seems that the federal government is talking about changing the lyrics. They want to change the line In all thy sons command to… are you ready for it Though dost in us command. Is that even English? I’ll tell you one thing it is. Bull plus shit! This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard since the idea to put O. J.’s murder suit in the Smithsonian! It’s a worse idea then Porky’s III: Porky’s Revenge.

See the Conservatives here think that the line In all thy sons command is sexist. They think that the new lyric Though dost in us command will be more gender neutral. I’ll tell you what’s gender neutral… anyone that sings this new lyric. Seriously you’re just smooth down there. Like a Ken doll.


Who really wants these lyrics changed? I’ll tell you who. A bunch of unsatisfied old feminists and guys that hyphenate their last name when they get married (see Ken doll above). But seeing as we Canadian’s are a democratic bunch we’ll ask the opinions of some other prominent Canadians to see what they have to say on the matter.

Jim Lahey what do you think?

Jim: Just a couple of drinks Bob… just a couple of drinks.

Bob’s Ghost: No Jim. What do you think about changing O Canada?

Jim: What kind of a shit hawk would want to do that? They can go eat a shit sandwich!

Bob’s Ghost: Thanks Jim. Well said.

Bob & Doug Mackenzie. What do you think?

Doug: Take off, eh. If you don’t like our national anthem you can like move, eh. Yea, move to Russia.

Bob: Yeah, there’s no sexism there because it’s too cold, eh.

Doug: Yeah it’s colder there then it is here. And like there’s no sexism because no one can tell if you’re like a guy or a girl, right. Cause you’re all bundled up, eh.

Bob: Hey, did you see that guy’s toque?

Bob’s Ghost: Thanks guys. Interesting theory. Let’s see if we can find someone that’s not drunk. Hey! Jim! Jim Carrey, you’re Canadian what do you think?

Jim Carrey: Smokein!

Bob’s Ghost: No, Jim what do you think about changing O Canada?

Jim Carrey: Smokein!

Bob’s Ghost: No, Jim. Do you think O Canada is sexist?

Jim Carrey: Somebody stop me!

Bob’s Ghost: You know what Jim, never mind. We’ll put you down as undecided.

There you have it. The majority rules. Canadians don’t want their national anthem changed. Christ aren’t we polite enough already? If you don’t like O Canada and think it’s sexist then go fuck yourself. Now I must return to the warm embrace of the crypt. Since you’ve been so good and listened attentively while I conveyed Johnny Creepshow’s important message here’s the scene from Poky’s where Meat pulls the hooker prank on Pee Wee.

Enjoy Humans Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

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