I've got it all figured out.



Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Yippie Kay Yay Smithsonian!

I read in the news this morning that the suit that O. J. Simpson wore to court on the day he was acquitted is going to be donated to the Smithsonian.






For fuck’s sake, are they serious?! Are we really that hard up for artifacts? This seems like something that should be auctioned off on e-bay and eventually bought for some ridicules sum by a casino.


Golden Palace bought this for $10,000


Or it should be hanging over my head at Planet Hollywood while I eat a shitty $15.00 burger.



I'd much rather eat next to Rambo’s bow then O.J.’s guilt ridden suit.



But come on… the Smithsonian?! This is bullshit!! Hell even the glove would be a better artifact.


Plus it’s dangerous to keep the Juice’s stuff. He’s currently in prison for trying to get some of his memorabilia back at gun point. You know when he gets out he’s going to come looking for that suit. And he’s a murder. If you’re standing around looking at that suit when he shows up, it’s pretty safe to say you’re going to die.



You know, I recently went and saw the King Tut exhibit here at the AGO. I was looking at all the artifacts and I was amazed at how intricate and ornate everything was and how it still looked so good after thousands of years. It made me wonder about what we have here and now that people will be looking at thousands of years from now. (Hopefully not O.J.’s fucking suit!)

Seriously. I know everyone thinks that with today’s technology and data storage capabilities we will be able to paint a great picture of what life is like today for our distant relatives but I beg to differ. People are getting stupider and stupider. (A prime example of this is the new show Your Kid Ate What? That debuted on The Learning Channel. I said THE LEARNING CHANNEL the other night.) If we all don’t do something stupid to erase all this digital information then chances are our distant off-spring will be too dumb to figure out how to retrieve and read it.


Zoolander... "In the Computer!"

Germz!!!

MySpace Video

So that only leaves tangible artifacts for future mankind to discover. What will they be? Glad you asked. I have a list.

Baby Toys



Baby toys are simplistic and designed to be chunky and unbreakable. This is so dumb babies don’t bite off and swallow bits of them (this may have something to do with why we keep getting stupider). They also will never breakdown because manufacturers have insured that no chemicals or microbes will transfer from the toy to a baby.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Depending on how dumb future mankind is they will either think we were a brilliant society or a bunch of drooling mush heads obsessed with all things bright and shiny (not far off actually)



Also, do to the fact that diapers don’t seem to break down either, future mankind will also think we were all very small and prone to shitting our pants.



Those Old Giant Reeboks that Skids Wear



I still see rocker guys walking around in these. They’re those really big ones with the thick tongues that stick out and they’re often in immaculate condition. There’s no way that guys like this can be bothered out bidding some Japanese guy for a dead-stock pair on E-bay.



That means that these must be the same ones they bought in like 1984. If they’ve lasted that long there’s no reason they won’t last thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had very poor taste in athletic footwear and, do to ballpoint pen hieroglyphics found on many pairs, someone or something called ACDC once ruled.


Budweiser & Clamato in a Can



No one is going to drink this, so it’s just going to sit in the fridge for thousands of years.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

That we had no taste buds.


The Sherman Sheep dog toy from Tuffy



My dog Mutton has had this for almost 2 years and there isn’t a scratch on it. Meanwhile she’s ripped apart hundreds of other toys. This thing will burry all of mankind one day.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Analysis of deep core samples taken from the sheep will indicate that we lived off a diet that consisted mainly of a cereal like substance dipped in liquefied chicken guts but that we also craved anything bacon or cheese flavored (again, not far off).



Ray Ban Wayfarer Sunglasses

When all these god damn hipsters die there’s going to be mountains of these laying around.

What will future mankind think of us when they find these?

Do to the vast quantities of Wayfarers being unearthed I’m going to assume that future mankind will see them as some sort of building material. Much like what the Doozers used on Fraggle Rock.



There you have it. That’s what people are going to be looking at in the free-floating, bio-domed Smithsonian of the future. I’d also like to mention that the only other reference point that future man kind will have of our generation is the movie Die Hard 2: Die Harder as TBS will still be playing this 3 times a week and twice on Sundays 10,000 years from now. What will future mankind think learn from Die Hard 2?


Nothing… absolutely nothing.

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