I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Fart Masters of Hollywood.

We’ll return to Small Wonder right after this paid infomercial.

Hello future celebrities. Chris "Blue" Angel here.

Are your auditions a drag because you can’t act your way out of a bag?

Do you want to be a hit like Brad Pitt but your face looks like shit?

I want to give YOU the key to unlocking the secrets of  Hollywood’s professional film farters .

I have concealed my identity for the duration of this broadcast.


Because the farting secrets that I can reveal to you in my new book Fart Masters of Hollywood could see me kicked out of the Film Farters Guild (the FFG) by my fellow Skunk Men.

No Snitching!

One thing that certainly isn’t a secret is that there is BIG money to be made for someone that can force fart on command and do it right. Don’t believe me? Just ask Red “Thunder-Clap” Jones. He worked as Eddie Murphy’s Skunk Double in The Nutty Professor.

This movie made over 273 million dollars people!

My book Fart Masters of Hollywood will show you how to prepare for an audition and maximize your fartential. Today’s top actors follow strict regimes of diet and exercise that leave them unable to blast block buster gas.

Chapter one gives you my daily dietary recommendations that will give you the fuel to rule Hollywood.

Arnold Schwarzenegger muscled his way into Hollywood and now you can too.

The sphincter is a muscle that few know how to exercise right. In Chapter two of Fart Masters of Hollywood I pass on to you the seven essential exercises I learned from the nameless Pink Flamingos star known only ass The Singing Asshole If you’ve seen the film you’ll know why learning his secrets will have you clenching top spot at the box office and nipping off the competition.

Once you’ve got your O-ring obeying your every command like Lassie then it’s time to get gassy. Hollywood Gas Masters third and final chapter deals with range and technique. In it you’ll learn things like the pump action, the slow balloon, the one cheek sneak and complete and total mastery of the Silent But Deadly (with guilty grin). There are tips on leg lifting, hand wafting, cupping and releasing and even throwing your ass. With an arse-nal like that you’ll have no problem blowing directors away. Need more proof? Ferris “Bugle” Malone recorded both parts for this scene from Extreme Movie in one take just 6 months after reading my book!

Look, it’s 2 PM. You’re on the couch. You’re watching Small Wonder. Meanwhile I’m on my solid gold Yacht farting elephant cheques.

(the S. S. Bought With the Wind)

You need to write a cheque for your future. Just four easy payments of $19.95. It’s like a gentle sulfurous breeze through your bank account. Order now and I’ll also include this microphone spray shield so you can go into your first audition looking like a pro.

Now I’ve got to get back into the studio.

I’m recording a special request for Larry the Cable Guy’s Blue Collar Celebrity Wedding.

Trust me. Fart Masters of Hollywood works! Pick up the phone. Make the call. Who knows, you could be the next Farting Garry.

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