Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0043.

 

Sometimes I wonder about all you folks out there reading my blog. I wonder who you are and why you’re reading.

Maybe some of you are 1940s federal agents that accidently fell into a confiscated time machine in one of the Hoover building’s evidence lockers while trying to sneak a quick belt of hooch. And now you’ve been thrust forward into the modern world where you’re hanging on my every word waiting for me to say something pro-communist.

Maybe some of you are highly stylized vainy ninja turtles. Intrigued by my frequent mention of C.H.U.D.s as you live in the sewer and hoping to learn more in between intense lifting competitions.

And maybe some of you are as equally intrigued by me. You may be sitting their wondering, Who is this slightly demented individual, where does he live and why is he so obsessed with midgets and hot dogs?

Electron Microscopic File Photo: My brain.

I could never hope to answer all your queries. But I can shed some light on a couple. Hot dogs are easily transportable, nostalgic and delicious and as for my domestic situation…

A refrigerator box?

Yeah right. Like I can afford a place downtown.

One of those Jason shacks in the woods complete with mother’s head shrine?

Exterior File Photo: Curb appeal

Interior File Photo: Staging.

No. I see enough of my mother as it is. I’d rather have the head of the mother off the Wonder Years. So I can shout at it as a stress relief.

Your husband Jack was such an asshole and you just stood there in the kitchen and took it! And why aren’t you out on DVD yet??!!

But I did recently purchase a house. It’s a nice little house in the east end of the city. And you know what I learned? I learned that the house paint industry is now run by pedantic fuckwits . Let me give you an example. Let’s say I want to purchase some white paint. The last time I bought white paint it came in maybe 3 varieties. There was gloss white, shell white and at a push some form of ivory white. Do you know what I have to deal with now? Tell ‘em Micro Machines guy.

There’s kitten white, romance white, song porcelain white, pristine porcelain white, white pearl, eloquent ivory, ivory coast, artesian white, natural white, cuddle white, wedding silk, macadamia white, Bavarian crème, manuscript white, pelican white, china white, dry martini white, marshmallow, white mountain, quiet solitude, minimalist white, inspiration white, Swiss coffee white, winterwash, stone white, wentworth white, atmosphere white, silk moon, crisp linen, raindrop white, crystal white, pearl drop white, antique white, Belgium lace, winter’s day, quiet retreat, white wing, drifting snow and (my favorite) white on white.

Excuse me Home Depot while I go eat 5 tins of Alphaghetti and puke all the Ws, Ts and Fs all over your fucking paint swatches. They’re all white and this is bullshit! When I was in school my best friend in art class was a guy by the name of Roy G. Biv. If you knew Roy, he’d always help you out come test time. You know why? I’ll tell you.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

Those are all colours. (Although, if you ask me, even indigo and violet are pushing it.) Yes you can get different tones and hues but I hardly think you need some over paid think tank sitting in their offices, downing scotches ala Don Drapper, trying to reinvent the names of colours so they better reflect someone’s mood/food & beverage choice/wedding day.

Megan, call up Benjamin Moore and inform him that orange and brown mixed together is now Country Store.

Burgandy’s Corrrrdoooooovan, wahaaa-ha-ha-ha.

That aside, I do have a few of my own:

bachelor porcelain

veggi dog

some asshole’s car yellow

Some asshole’s car yellow also comes in a brighter hue called some asshole’s jetski yellow. Hey speaking of yellow, I heard a while back that someone did a study or something that showed there was a greater degree of domestic violence in homes that have yellow kitchens.

Guess what colour paint I spilled in the garage?

I don’t know if it was the yellow colour that angered people or if painting your kitchen yellow is a sign of social instability but I always took it as fact. Do you think it’s true? Do yoooou think it’s true Magic Internet?

Question 43: Do yellow kitchens increase domestic violence?



Magic Internet Answer: There is absolutely correlation between a domicile’s kitchen colour and an increase in domestic violence. And you Johnny are a complete idiot for believing otherwise.

Oh yeah Magic Internet. Well I have something to say to you...

I don't have internet access... unga bunga.

It amazes me when people say I don’t have access to the internet. That’s like saying I don’t have access to a phone. Not even a payphone!

The only people that still use payphones are drug dealers and crack-heads. They should all just get walkie-talkies together (except the crack-heads would undoubtedly sell theirs for crack).

Ten four good buddy. Lung Warts over and out!

But you don’t even have to pay for internet access. You can go into any library and use their computers. Sure you might have to share it with homeless men that want to look up pornography but it’s still free.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to lend a helping hand to those out there that claim to have no internet access. I’m going to provide you with a service.

The internet by mail.

Here’s what you do:

1) You write a letter to me and tell me what you want to look up online.

2) I (or one of my trusted staff of library homeless men) will Google your query, print off the list of findings and mail it back to you.

3) You select which of the Google hits you’d like to investigate further, circle it and send it back to me.

4) I (or a hobo) will click on you selection and screen print the resulting website. All further clickable areas on the website will be highlighted and the printed copy will be mailed to you.

5) If you wish to delve further into your selected web page, simply circle the highlighted clickable area on your web page print out and return it to us.

6) We will repeat step 4.

7) You may repeat step 5.

8) We will repeat step 6.

There will be an initial charge of $5 for your search and $1 for each additional click, plus postage. For the cost of only $10,000 you can join our VIP mailing list. I will hand deliver your search results on horse back, wearing my finest tweeds like the messengers of old.

Now I was about to give you payment and mailing instructions but wait. You’ll never see this. Because you don’t have access to the fucking internet! Well too bad you ridicules collection of cavemen, CHUDs and Amish. Instead I will post videos to offend you all. Good day.







P.S. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?

Answer: A mechanic!