Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0043.

 

Sometimes I wonder about all you folks out there reading my blog. I wonder who you are and why you’re reading.

Maybe some of you are 1940s federal agents that accidently fell into a confiscated time machine in one of the Hoover building’s evidence lockers while trying to sneak a quick belt of hooch. And now you’ve been thrust forward into the modern world where you’re hanging on my every word waiting for me to say something pro-communist.

Maybe some of you are highly stylized vainy ninja turtles. Intrigued by my frequent mention of C.H.U.D.s as you live in the sewer and hoping to learn more in between intense lifting competitions.

And maybe some of you are as equally intrigued by me. You may be sitting their wondering, Who is this slightly demented individual, where does he live and why is he so obsessed with midgets and hot dogs?

Electron Microscopic File Photo: My brain.

I could never hope to answer all your queries. But I can shed some light on a couple. Hot dogs are easily transportable, nostalgic and delicious and as for my domestic situation…

A refrigerator box?

Yeah right. Like I can afford a place downtown.

One of those Jason shacks in the woods complete with mother’s head shrine?

Exterior File Photo: Curb appeal

Interior File Photo: Staging.

No. I see enough of my mother as it is. I’d rather have the head of the mother off the Wonder Years. So I can shout at it as a stress relief.

Your husband Jack was such an asshole and you just stood there in the kitchen and took it! And why aren’t you out on DVD yet??!!

But I did recently purchase a house. It’s a nice little house in the east end of the city. And you know what I learned? I learned that the house paint industry is now run by pedantic fuckwits . Let me give you an example. Let’s say I want to purchase some white paint. The last time I bought white paint it came in maybe 3 varieties. There was gloss white, shell white and at a push some form of ivory white. Do you know what I have to deal with now? Tell ‘em Micro Machines guy.

There’s kitten white, romance white, song porcelain white, pristine porcelain white, white pearl, eloquent ivory, ivory coast, artesian white, natural white, cuddle white, wedding silk, macadamia white, Bavarian crème, manuscript white, pelican white, china white, dry martini white, marshmallow, white mountain, quiet solitude, minimalist white, inspiration white, Swiss coffee white, winterwash, stone white, wentworth white, atmosphere white, silk moon, crisp linen, raindrop white, crystal white, pearl drop white, antique white, Belgium lace, winter’s day, quiet retreat, white wing, drifting snow and (my favorite) white on white.

Excuse me Home Depot while I go eat 5 tins of Alphaghetti and puke all the Ws, Ts and Fs all over your fucking paint swatches. They’re all white and this is bullshit! When I was in school my best friend in art class was a guy by the name of Roy G. Biv. If you knew Roy, he’d always help you out come test time. You know why? I’ll tell you.

Red

Orange

Yellow

Green

Blue

Indigo

Violet

Those are all colours. (Although, if you ask me, even indigo and violet are pushing it.) Yes you can get different tones and hues but I hardly think you need some over paid think tank sitting in their offices, downing scotches ala Don Drapper, trying to reinvent the names of colours so they better reflect someone’s mood/food & beverage choice/wedding day.

Megan, call up Benjamin Moore and inform him that orange and brown mixed together is now Country Store.

Burgandy’s Corrrrdoooooovan, wahaaa-ha-ha-ha.

That aside, I do have a few of my own:

bachelor porcelain

veggi dog

some asshole’s car yellow

Some asshole’s car yellow also comes in a brighter hue called some asshole’s jetski yellow. Hey speaking of yellow, I heard a while back that someone did a study or something that showed there was a greater degree of domestic violence in homes that have yellow kitchens.

Guess what colour paint I spilled in the garage?

I don’t know if it was the yellow colour that angered people or if painting your kitchen yellow is a sign of social instability but I always took it as fact. Do you think it’s true? Do yoooou think it’s true Magic Internet?

Question 43: Do yellow kitchens increase domestic violence?



Magic Internet Answer: There is absolutely correlation between a domicile’s kitchen colour and an increase in domestic violence. And you Johnny are a complete idiot for believing otherwise.

Oh yeah Magic Internet. Well I have something to say to you...

The stars have aligned. The date is 90210.

A day like today comes along only once a century.



And even though I can drink you under the table while kicking your ass and bench pressing your girlfriend as she holds my coat, I do admit I’ve watched my fair share of Beverly Hills 90210 over the years. I wanted to do a little reminiscing about my favorite episodes but as you regular readers might remember I came close to madness trying to find a clip of the episode where Steve Sanders gets addicted to weed in college and cries at the foot of his bed. So instead I’d like to celebrate this special day by taking a look back at some of the main characters. Happy 90210 day!

Brandon Walsh

Brandon was such a goody two shoes dipshit. I mean what kind of high school kid has a car named after Walter Mondale? Playing that character is probably what drove Jason Priestly to drink. And look at him now, he looks like a crazy hobo!

Favorite Brandon Episodes: Well that’s hard to say because he was in practically every episode. I guess the one where he gets wasted and crashes his car. Or the one where he finishes school and him and Steve decide to start their own newspaper. It’s just the two of them sitting in a big empty office space with Brandon going, I’ll be in charge of news and Steve going, I’ll be in charge of sports. It was like watching a couple of 5 year olds play newspaper. And as usual I can find no trace of it online so heres a montage of Brandon trying to look sexy with all the girls he humped.



Brenda Walsh

Brenda was one big walking talking Jheeps factory. She was always doing something stupid and just generally being uncomfortably lame. The best thing about her was all the stories about Shannen Doherty being a colossal bitch on the set and her infamous wonky eye.

I don’t care enough to look up what she’s doing now but if they decide to remake Goonies she could play Sloth.

And here’s an added little fact. Brandon Walsh was the name of the older brother in Goonies, Tada!

Favorite Episodes: Like I said, I couldn’t stand Brenda, so none. Maybe the ones where Dylan was really mean to her. If you want to talk about her Jheepyist episodes, that’s easy. All the ones where she was in France and pretended to be a French girl while smoking and wearing a beret. Or this:



Dylan McKay

Dylan was awesome. He lived on his own, he surfed he brooded, he drank and took drugs, he called Brandon Minnesota and when they show him in the intro the electric guitar kicks in so you know he’s a bad ass. Hey remember when Luke Perry quit 90210 to pursue a film a carrier and all he got was that bit part in Buffy the Vampire Slayer where he hung a hot dog out of his pants? That was also Paul Rubens first movie after he got caught hanging his hot dog out of his pants in a porno theatre.

Good times.

Favorite Episodes: Any of the ones where Dylan waves his gun around.



Kelly Taylor

Kelly started off as a bitch and a slut and then it turned out she wasn’t really a slut and not as bitchy but she was still a bitch sometimes. And she looked like a beaver. That’s about all I have to say about her.

Favorite Episodes: I liked the ones where she used to fight with Valerie Malone.



Oh and Kelly actually was a huge slut.



Donna Martin

Donna was weird looking and dumb. I think the show wrote her character that way because Tori Spelling was weird looking and dumb but daddy said she had to be on the show. I guess she did have that sweet best friend quality in her character. She was basically a younger version of Rose from The Golden Girls.



Favorite Episodes: Any of the ones where a horned up David Silver tries to get Donna to have sex with him but she keeps saying no because she wants to stay a virgin until she’s married. Oh and all the one’s where Ray Pruit beat her up.



Steve Sanders

Yes! Now we’re talking. This albino mulleted cretin was by far my favorite character on the show. He was always saying or doing something stupid. And it was even funnier when he was serious and cried. Steve Sanders rocked. And if you don’t believe me check out his locker sticker for proof.

Favorite Episodes: Well of course there’s the addicted to weed episode. Also any episode where he reminds Kelly that they had sex and she gets that disgusted look on her face. Any episode where he gets drunk and or cries and of course the episode where he has to wear a dress.



David Silver.

Fuck he was so lame. With that slicked-back mushroom cut and those giant multi-coloured R&B suits he used to wear. David Silver could give you the Jheeps just by walking into a room.

Favorite Episodes: Those ones where he got addicted to drugs and started getting all moody and wearing a beret and any episode where he rapped and danced.



Andrea Zuckerman

I used to call her Andrea Yuckerman.

Favorite Episodes: Any ones she wasn’t in.



Nat

Nat was a nice enough guy but he had no personality. He was on the show forever but you never really got to see him do anything other than work at the Peach Pit. Why couldn’t Nat have gotten drunk or taken drugs or something? All he ever did was have a heart attack. And what the fuck was with the Peach Pit After Dark? Nat suddenly realized he had a big empty warehouse going spare behind his dinner in Beverly Hills? What a bunch of Bullshit!

Favorite Episodes: I don’t know. The one where he flips a burger? Or how about the one where he gives one of the kids a free slice of pie? Who cares?! And the worst thing is he’s even on the new 90210 doing the exact same thing.



Well I hope you’ve enjoyed reminiscing about that bunch of losers with me.

Hot beef Inception.

I was in the grocery store on the weekend and two things caught my eye. The first was this.

File Photo: Bullshit.

Come on, unsalted chips? What the fuck is that. I had a girlfriend in high school that used to buy Miss Vickie’s Chips and lick all the salt off of each one without eating the chip. She thought that if she didn’t eat the chips she wouldn’t get fat. So she sat there licking all the salt off them and leaving them in a wet little stack. I always joked that I was going to get her one of those hamster slat licks from the pet store.

File Photo: Romantic

My point being that you can’t have potato chips without the salt. Potato chips are all about the salt. They’re essentially a vehicle for the salt. But not to worry, the potato chip aisle quickly redeemed its self with these bad boys.

Yes, that’s right. Hot dog flavored chips! This is the biggest innovation in snack foods that taste like other snack foods since the invention of cookie dough flavored ice cream. Many years ago some food science genius types discovered that many people across North America (most of them gross) were eating tube after tube of raw cookie dough.



Well now those mad snack professors have returned to their secret lab deep beneath the earth’s moron saturated crust and done it again. Hot dog flavored chips! How do you think they did it?

Alright now bring in Timmy Capello to play sexy saxophone for them.

I’d like to think that they either boil the potatoes in old hot dog water or they use that machine from the Fly.

Although we all know what could go wrong if they’re using that thing.

Yikes! To get that night mare out of our heads I’ve composed a little list of some of my favorite snack food abominations both past and present. Hope you’re hungry.

Olestra Chips

Before there were salt free chips there were fat free chips. The secret to fat free chips was a magical ingredient called olestra. No one knows how olestra worked or where it came from. (I think it’s made from the tears that aspiring models cry when the modeling agency tells them that 105lbs is too fat). One thing everyone did find out about olestra though was that is caused anal leakage. Everyone then decided that they’d rather be fat then walk around with liquid poo autographing their gussets and light potato chips disappeared.

Marshmallow Fluff.

I’m not sure if this product still exists but about twenty years ago someone decided that marshmallows were too tough to eat and that the world needed a softer (or pre-chewed) liquid version in a jar. When Fluff came out no one knew what to do with it so they had to tell us in the commercials. Get you barf bags out; it’s time to make Fluffernutters.

Sounds like a gay porn title.

Schmucker’s Goober

Dear Schmucker’s,

I am a gross fat slob that is too lazy to retrieve peanut butter and jelly from separate jars. Please combine them in one jar for my convenience.

Yours truly,

Hefty McPuke

P.S. If it’s not too much trouble could you please put cartoon characters of a grape and a peanut giving each other the sex eyes on the jar? I like the thought of them humping in my sandwich.

Squeez Bacon

As sickening as this is, are any of us surprised that it exists? The human race’s love affair with rendered hog flesh is an out of control lumbering juggernaut that pauses only briefly to pick its teeth with a matchbook cover. I mean first there was that Oscar Myer fully cooked bacon.

Like this shit has ever been anywhere near a salad.

Then there’s all the bacon flavored things:

Bacon Vodka

Bacon Popcorn

Bacon Ice Cream

I guess this tastes like when you burp after having a Baconator and Frosty from Wendys

There's even Baconnaise

Like anyone has ever purchased the Lite jar.

Yeah, see bacon really needs its own special food abomination section. There are so many gross things being done with bacon right now that it’s just too nauseating and exhausting to even try and think of them all. But hey, at least we’ve gotten the image of that mutated hotdog man out of our heads, right?

Ahhh, no! He’s back!!!

Good luck sleeping tonight folks. I’ve got a feeling that Frankfurter Krueger there is going to haunt your nightmares. I'm going to have Kobayashi sleep in a chair at the foot of my bed just to be safe.



Smell you later.

P.S. If you want see some other cool stuff both creepy and interesting check out Nathaniel Lewis' site. He created that hot dog man on a bun up there. Thanks for the nightmares Nathaniel. Keep on doing what you do.

Bieber (not Beaver) Feaver!

Have you guys seen this little creep?

He’s called Justin Bieber. Not Justin Beaver.

Here’s his video (if you can stomach it).



Ugh. That was like a nuclear bomb of uncomfort dipped in gay. It used to piss me off that channels like MTV and Much Music don’t even show videos anymore but now I’m inclined to double high five their heads of programming. Even with the nations’ collective music stations seeming to ban anything to do with music on their channels I’ve still seen this piece of shit twice and that’s more Baby, baby baby Ohhhs and tween bullshit then any man can handle, except maybe a pedophile.

(Fergie Oliver: At least I liked the ladies.)

So apparently Justin Bieber (not Beaver) is a pop super star and a teenage heartthrob. Heartthrob? Really? He’s like 10 fucking years old! Teenage girls should be getting paid to watch him, not the other way around.

(Ladies… I have, count em, (sticks out the fingers) two pubes!)

Then again I guess he’s no different then Munudo. They were a big hit with teenage girls in the 80s.

(If anyone wonders what turned Ricky Martin gay, it was those pants).

They even went as far as to kick out members out of the band when they either turned 16, grew facial hair or their voices broke. Probably the same rules that had to be followed at the Drummond household.

Mr. Drummond: You’re getting a little gangly and mannish there Willis. I think I’ll drop you off back in the ghetto on Monday.

Arnold: What you talking about?!

An even more successful and far creepier child band was the Mini Pops.

This was a bunch of little kids that covered pop hits and made videos dressed like the stars they covered. Here they are doing Video Killed the Radio Star. (Warning: do not watch while on drugs.)



Scary. Even scarier is the fact that the Mini Pops are still going. They’re not quite as creepy but they make up for it by being way more lame. They’re now called Mini Pops Kids and in recent years they’ve released 6 double disc CDs and a Christmas album under K-Tel. In the most recent volume they sing Poker Face and Hoedown Throwdown but my favorite is Volume 2 because the commercial has this amazing fat kid covering Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day.

No one’s going to send Kim Kardashian death threats for flirting with that kid anytime soon. And what’s she doing flirting with Justin Bieber (not Beaver) anyway? Isn’t she like 30 years old? She’s as bad as Mr. Drummond.

Justin Bieber (not Beaver) would be best to just stay away from both of them. What he should do is move in with George and Katherine Papadapalis. They always seemed like upstanding no-nonsense parental figures.

(Look at their faces. They say, This kid is ruining all our action but we’ve got to do the right thing.)

Better yet Justin Bieber (not Beaver) why don’t you use all your newly gained wealth to purchase a rocket and fire yourself into space? Then we can all get back to enjoying pop music that prevents the sexualization of children, not promotes it.