I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Keeping up with the Shitheads.

Once upon a time getting a tattoo branded you an outcast.

You had to be a sailor, a biker, an outlaw or an ex-con to sport one.

You were tough and dangerous and your tattoo was a warning sign to the squares to keep their distance. But nowadays everyone is getting them. Your mom has just discovered a more fitting eulogy for little Pablo Escobark then a shoe box in the yard after watching a Miami Ink marathon on TLC.

Your dad loves those Ed Hardy briefs he got for Christmas so much that he’s decided he wants a permanent pair

Your older brother’s 90s tribal tattoos are fading in the sun as he pushes a stroller down the street.

(These are the human equivalent of racing stripes for your car.)

And your sister and her friends all got matching tattoos to remember that great night they had together during reading week last year.

(This is the combined equivalent of Ugg boots and Jagger shots.)

You see? Tattoos at best have become the replacement for hair plugs for mid-life crisis men in their 40s.

And at worst an everlasting testament to just how dumb/drunk/high someone can get.

So what is a young reprobate to do these days if he or she wishes to freak out the man? Here’s a few ideas to get you started.

Change your name to something offensive.

Lots of people seem to be getting their names changed to something stupid. A man in Carlisle changed his name from Richard Smith to Stormhammer Deathclaw Firebrand. and a teenager in Glastonbury has had his name changed to  Captain Fantastic Faster than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk and the Flash combined So think along those lines but more shocking (Ok, maybe not that shocking). Might I suggest changing your name to Fuck You or Vainy Boner or Shithead. Think of all the street cred. you’ll get when people ask you your name and you reply, Fuck You and pull out your ID to prove it. Think of how pissed off your dad will be when he has to introduce you to his boss and you shake the bosses hand vigorously and say Vainy Boner, pleased to meet you. And as for the last one, you wouldn’t even have to tell people your name. You could just get this hat and point to it like Prince.

Start crossdressing (this one’s for the homies).

This will let people know that you’re most likely mentally unstable and it will force them to think about all the weird sexual things you’re into. They might not think you’re tough or dangerous but they’ll definitely keep their distance.

Stop bathing (this one’s for the fly girls).

Women hate gender stereotypes and are always trying to prove that they can be just one of the guys.

Well one of those stereotypes is that women are always clean and sweet smelling where as most guys are slobs. Well if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em ladies. Stop bathing and become a bum. Now when I say bum I don’t mean a homeless person. Society expects them to be filthy. I just mean stop washing yourself or your clothes. You still go to work, hit the starbucks and go out with your friends on week ends. If anyone asks you why you smell so bad or why you don’t take a shower just tell them that you’re too cool for that. Or say, Fuck you and your system!

Change your race.

Everyone remembers that kid in school that went away for the summer and came back with plaid pants and a Mohawk. Hell, I think Spike Lee even made a movie about it.

That might have been considered crazy 20 years ago but not now. These days people are giving their babies Mohawks. You’re not a baby are you?

Instead go away for the summer and come back as Spike Lee. That would really freak people out. I could get into the long winded explanation of how you go about doing this but it’s a lot easier and more fun if you just rent Soul Man.

And don’t think you brothers and sisters can’t get in on the act. Remember Michael Jackson?

Of course I remember him. Check out my new tattoo bro!

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