I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

David Woof Woof Berkowitz.

David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam, was  denied parole again.

(Mom of Sam: Take this next door and see if the Mcfly’s would like it.)

For those that don’t know, David Berkowitz confessed to killing 6 people and wounding seven in the New York City area between 1976 and 1977. He seemed to target young women and young couples parked in cars. He also claimed to be part of a satanic cult and was told to commit the crimes by his neighbor’s dog Harvey who Berkowitz said was possessed by a demon. Here’s his mug shot from when he was arrested.

He kind of looks like a cross between Bruce Springsteen

and Frank N. Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Although now a days the Son of Sam call himself Son of Hope and is a born again Jew for Jesus.

He also now looks like a cross between Dr. Phil

and Bob Ross.

Actually he doesn’t really look like Bob Ross. Maybe it’s just that creepy nice guy smile or the background. I’ll tell you what David Berkowitz does have though. A horrible looking, outdated website full of  whacky religous stuff. On it you’ll find his apology for being a murdering lunatic, his advice for parents (don’t get your child a dog, don’t take advice from murdering lunatics) and a description of all the jobs and religious work he does in prison.

Son of Sam doesn’t bust rocks but one thing he does do is work as a mobility guide for site impaired inmates. Yes, that’s right. The insane serial killer that took his killing instructions from a dog is now giving instructions to blind inmates like a seeing eye dog.

(Turn left. Turn right Kill those people and harvest their blood for Satan!)

Do you think if he was paroled that one of the stipulations of his release would be that he’s not allowed to be around dogs? You know, in case they start telling him what to do. He should come channel the thoughts of my dog Mutton.

(File photo: Mutton. MENSA identification card picture)

He’d either be caught trying to steal this

Or he’d only be shooting rollerbladers.

I don’t think anyone would have a problem with that.

Or maybe they could use dogs to keep him under control. They could give him one of those little dogs that are afraid of everything and it would tell him just sit in the corner and shake all day.

It would have the same effect as that plastic prison they used to hold Magneto.

Or give him that dog that only says sausages.

(Bonus: Did you see that guy’s fucking hair?!)

Actually maybe it’s not a good idea to give him the sausages dog. He might go on a killing spree and start making human sausages.

Not that it hasn’t been done before. I’m pretty sure Johnsonville Brats are made out of hobo meat.

(Johnsonville B.R.A.T.s: Bums, Ragmen, Asylum-seekers, Tramps)

And if that’s the case then pretty soon the Son of Sam is going to have a new cell mate.

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