I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

If your baby likes Sushi… you’re an asshole! (Japanese excluded.)

On Saturday I went to Sneaky Dee’s.

I needed to sustain my all nacho diet.

(Hey, my funeral hat!)

So I sit down in one of the skeleton booths and order my nachos and a beer.

I’m all set to be entertained by the witty banter of at least 2 decades worth of drunks scrawled all over the table and walls…

when a shrill pitched noise startles me out of my blissful pre-nacho relaxation. It’s the sound of a child. Since when are there children in Sneaky Dee’s? I don’t mean the first year of college, puke after 3 beers children either. This was the screaming, chase me around the bar toddler variety.

(This kind)

(Not this kind)

As I watched him careen past heading for the steep bathroom stairs and a possible outer body experience I thought, Who brings their kids to Sneaky Dee’s? Just take them to McDonald’s or one of those barns of gluttony like Montana’s Cook House or Boston Pizza.

(The place is disgusting but I still love this commercial.)

After my nachos I went over to Soundscapes to look at records.

But when I walk in I’m not greeted by the sound of some new 60s garage comp or Johnny Cash’s latest hits from the grave. Nope, it’s more annoying children.

Now I’m not one of these sullen individuals that hate all children (mostly). In fact there’s quite a few children I like just fine.

But I see what’s going on here and it’s not even the kids’ fault. It’s a special type of child abuse known as Trying to Raise Cool Kids.

It starts with the clothing. It’s one thing to get your kid one of those little duffel coats so he looks like Paddington Bear or even a  Baby's First Fred if you’re an old Mod but this whole punk/rock & roll baby thing is retarded.

Don't these parents know that Sid Vicious died of a heroine overdose, quite possibly murdered his girlfriend and that Johnny Rotten is a cunt?

Then there are all those awful t-shirts.

Ha, ha look at my baby’s offensive shirt. My baby’s so cool and funny! Yeah? You want to see your baby in 30 years? Look into my crystal ball…

This is your baby’s future. If you’re lucky she might also have a jet-pack or something.

Now that little Sid the pimp is all dressed up it’s time to take him out on the town. Where do they take him? Wherever they’re going because they’re selfish pricks. No wait, it’s because they want him to be cool like mommy and daddy

They take him to Yoga.

They take them to the tattoo parlor.

They take them out to the bar with them.

And they take him to rock concerts.

The way things are going the next time I go see GWAR, I’m not only going to be getting sprayed on by Oderus Urungus,

I’ll be getting a face full from Little Pirulin Pee-Pee as well.

Look parents, it doesn’t matter how much you try to transfer what you perceive to be your cool persona onto your children. They’re just going to become the opposite of everything you like when they turn 14 and start hating you. So that means if you’re a punk parent, you’re going to wind up with one of these.

And vice versa, if you’re into hip hop… you’re going to wind up with one of these.

(Possibly with a jet-pack.)

My advice is to let them be kids and enjoy their unconditional love while you can. Then if you leave them alone during their teenage years hopefully they’ll go back to respecting you and liking you and maybe even agreeing that you were cool when you were younger. Unless you were one of these.

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