I've got it all figured out.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Weirder Science: on Whoppers, shits and crabs.

I want to take a minute to talk to you all about science.

Now I’m not talking about computer science. I think I’ve said all there is to say about that. No, I’m talking about the lab coat, test, tube, Bunsen burner, beaker kind of science.

Science has always been a mystery to the majority of mankind. Hundreds of years ago in the Middle Ages or dark ages (the time when everyone went from being kind of smart to really dumb again) there were wizards. Wizards weren’t really magic, they just new more about science then everybody else. Which wasn’t hard considering people back then thought bathing in urine was good for their skin.

(World’s first nerd.)

Now a day’s most people are introduced to the wonders of science as children. Some uncle or grandparent probably gave you a chemistry set when you were young.

Or if you were lucky you got the Mad Scientist Monster Lab.

Unless you were a girl, then you got one of these.

That’s why there are no girl scientists. Except for those ones you see on TV working in the Coors Light lab.

When you get a bit older you get to have science class.

Some people find out that they’re smart and like science class. But most of us just sit there laughing at our dead rat’s junk and repeatedly turning on the Bunsen burner gas because it smells like farts.

Those people that liked science have gone on to work in labs and hospitals and think tanks where they solve all the little problems that make our lives easier and more delicious.

Sounds perfect doesn’t it? Wrong! Scientists may get credit for their work but that’s about all they get. Let me give you an example. Right now Burger King probably has a team of scientists working around the clock finding ways to make the Whopper more delicious. But even if those scientists manage to bend the laws of physics and cram more bacon and cheese into that shitty burger then is humanly possible making it irresistible to fat fucks what do they get? A pat on the back or maybe a bonus if they’re lucky. Meanwhile the Burger King is partying on their scientific dime.

So it’s only a matter of time before scientists wake up, realize they’re undervalued and start exploiting stupid people just like everyone else. And it’s already begun. Time for another example.

There’s a company in Knoxville, TN called  BioPet Vet Lab. They offer DNA dog breed analysis, DNA proof of dog parentage and DNA storage for companion animals. This sounds like worthy service for the discerning breeder or dog owner. But BioPet Vet Lab also offers something they call the PooPrints Program.

This is a program directed at those asnine, anal retentive people that live in gated communites or condos. The way it works is that everyone that owns a dog submits their dogs DNA to BioPet Labs for storage. Then if anyone’s dog shits in the community and the owner doesn’t pick it up, the poo can be sent to BioPet Labs for analysis and they will reveal who the guilty dog is.

This is stupid for so many reasons.

- You’d have to get everyone to agree to have their dog’s DNA taken and filed. But that’s ok. I’m sure people that live in gated communities have no issues with privacy.

- What’s to stop someone from handing in another dog’s shit and claiming it as their own dogs shit? Athletes and drug addicts do it with piss all the time. And to pass a fake dog log you wouldn’t even need a Wizzinator.

- It says you have to send the offending turd in to BioPet Labs for analysis. I don’t think sending shit through the mail is legal. But then how did Columbia House manage to send people all those Jimmy Eat World CDs ?

(Jimmy Eat Shit is more like it.)

- What if it’s not dog shit at all? What if it’s human? I for one would be out there shitting just to watch the PooPrints program go down in Who done it? accusatory flames. I might even dawn a trench coat and play Columbo, questioning and requestioning my neighbors on their bathroom habits.

(Here’s a hint: That’s not a cigar.)

- Wouldn’t it be easier and less expensive just to install some CCTV cameras? Not only would it catch unwanted dog shitters but it might also keep members of the community safe from burglars, rapists, murders and terrorists. Dangers that aren’t as prevalent as dog shit but dangerous none the less.

Oh well, it’s not like we didn’t see this coming. And if you do get nailed by your neighbor through doggy DNA shit detection our modern exploitative scientists have the perfect way for you to get revenge. Crab Revenge!

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