Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0015

Some people say that the government is going to tattoo barcodes on everyone. Like this:

Most of the people that say that look like this:

I’m not really sure what they think the government is going to use the barcodes for. I think it has something to do with your taxes or your healthcare or your freewill or a bunch of other crap that isn’t half as interesting as this Slim Jim based creature exploring a hot dog roller.



One thing I am interested in though is finding out if these barcode tattoos actually work. Has anyone ever tried to scan one? If they do work they could have some useful purposes beyond the mass slavery of the near future’s population.

We could put them on babies so there’s no more mix ups at the hospital.

Or Kevin Federline could get a Coca Cola UPC code sandwiched between some of the regrettable tattoos on his ample frame.

That way he won’t strain his hooker arm lifting the 6 cases of Coke he buys every week up to the self-serve scanner at Wal-Mart.

It could also come in handy for sluts.

File Photo: Sluts.

They could all get barcodes tattooed on their asses that give out their phone number when scanned. Then when whatever douche bag is plowing them that night takes out his iPhone to take a picture of said ass (you know this will happen) he can use the handy iPhone barcode scanner app and booyah, he’s got her digits to(and maybe even her name).

Babies, K-Fed, slut, the possibilities are endless but only if the barcode tattoos work. So Magic Internet…

A one, a two, a you know what to do.

Question 14: Can you actually scan barcode tattoos with a scanner?

Woooooooooooooop. Woop. Woop. Wop. I II I III I II I II IIII I III Zurp. Zurrrrp Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: I dated a 1400i Retail Scanner once. We met at a barcode. Ha. Ha. Ha. Internet make joke!

Sigh. Tough crowd. Let us get right to it then. To answer your question we must first discuss how a barcode works. Here is a typical barcode.

Most see it as a collection of perpendicular black lines. Which is true but the white spaces between the black lines are just as important. A scanner needs to read both the black lines and the white spaces in order to decipher the code. So right away we know that the wearer of a barcode tattoo must have fairly light skin or have had white ink used in the creation of their barcode tattoo in order for it to have any chance of being read by a scanner. White ink used in tattoos does not show up very well, even on darker skinned individuals. So it would seem that the only barcode tattoos with a chance of being read by a scanner would have to be on light skinned people. (That should send those new world order conspiracy nuts back to the kitchen to design a new hat.)

Even on light skinned people, most UPC barcode tattoos (the most common type of barcode) do not scan. This is usually because the barcode is too small. The average tattoo needle line scanned at 300dpi measures at around 7 pixels. If we divide 300 by 7 we get 42. This means that the original barcode design that is to be tattooed on an individual must be at least 42dpi.

Note: This one is too small.

Every UPC barcode is a standard 95 units wide. If we divide 95 by 42 we get 2.26. This tells us that a tattooed barcode must be at least 2.26 inches wide for it to be read by a scanner. Most people that receive barcode tattoos have them done at a size of around 1 to 2 inches. In order for a barcode tattoo to be readable a skilled tattoo artist needs to make the tattoo almost twice the size of a standard barcode. But don’t make it too big as most scanners have maximum input level of 2.5 inches. Perhaps that’s why things didn’t work out between the 1400i and me. I was too big for her. Wink, wink.

Oh my, they’re getting closer! I better wrap this up. To answer your question Johnny, yes under the right circumstances and with some difficulty barcode tattoos can be read by a scanner. Don’t believe me? Have a look.



See. Isn’t math fun!

Well MI, math was fun. Then they stopped selling these babies.

But thanks for answering my question. And you know what? I have another gift for you.

Next time you want to tell a joke, set these guys up first.

I’m outie 5000.

Take me to your (art) dealer.

I read an article today about aliens.

Specifically, what aliens would find interesting about humans if they came to Earth. Basically it points out that if an alien race could reach us they would be much more advanced than us and therefore they wouldn’t be too interested in our achievements in math and science. They’d be like those little shithead future kids in Back to the Future II that make fun of Marty for playing Wild Gunman

So aliens would be more interested in our artistic side. Ha, not if they landed their UFO around here. Some of the artistic experts quoted in the article suggest introducing aliens to music by Bach, Vivaldi, and other Baroque composers and Pre-Raphaelite paintings as an example of our visual art.

That’s all well and good but I can’t help but think that if aliens want a true sense of the most wondrous capabilities of the human mind that they may need to be shown some of man’s artistic creations that don’t quite jive with the squares if you catch my drift. So Mr. Alien, give me your creepy little hand or float behind me or if you’re like Starman assume the form of a dead loved one and let’s go look at some real art.



Let’s start with music. Music is amazing because it can evoke feelings with mere sounds. But do aliens even have music? Wait of course they do. There’s GWAR and Alien Ant Farm to prove that, Duh. So you aliens probably don’t like classical music at all. You’re probably more into music that’s heavy and or awful. In that case I have one word for you, Jackyl.

This evokes feelings of stop and why and turn it off with mere sounds.

Ha ha ha… he’s playing a chainsaw. Boy, if you thought you were superior to humans before, I can’t imagine what you think now. But that’s nothing. Let’s move on to visual art.

Our galleries are full of great paintings and sculptures but any artist will tell you that visual art can be seen all around us and in everyday life. Most notably on people’s arms, legs and sadly even faces. Yes, Mr. Alien I’m talking about tattoos. Not only are they artistically appealing but they also convey a message to us about the person that wears them. Let me show you some examples:

Here the artist is trying to convey that the recipient is drunk and that the artist is an asshole.

Here the artist lets us know that the recipient isn’t drunk and thinks she’s better than everyone because of it.

And finally this one tells us that the recipient really, really like you guys… and weed.

But visual art doesn’t need to be static. There are moving pictures that are moving pictures, get it? No, don’t reach for your probe it was just a play on words! I’m talking about film. People here on Earth like to talk about movies like Citizen Kane and the God Father being cinematic masterpieces to seem smart. But when they go home, just like you and me, they French’s mustard up some Triscuits and throw in a movie like Zapped starring Scott Baio. It’s a movie about a kid who acquires telekinetic powers and uses them to help him and his friends get laid or something. Here’s a clip that reminded me of you.



Also it had a wicked poster.

You’re right Mr. Alien, that is Willie Aames who Played Buddy in Charles in Charge. Fuck you aliens ARE smart.

There’s one more thing I’d like to show you, the art of videogames. Some people think that today’s videogames are a new artistic medium.

The Louvre in two years time.

Others like Roger Ebert  disagree. But then again Roger Ebert liked Dropped Dead Fred so what does he know?

I don’t know about video games being art but they certainly evoke some of the same creativity that artists do, both in the game developers and in the players. For example look what my old friend Limmy likes to do with Grand Theft Auto IV.



Another good example is The Sims. It’s a life simulation game. You could argue that the sheer number of people that play The Sims, with its mundane game play that mimics everyday life, gives the game as much social commentary as any contemporary art piece. This is even more apparent when our smartest human beings (the Japanese) use the style of The Sims to make fun of our dumbest human beings (the cast of Jersey Shore).



Yeah… coughs… ummm… well thanks for coming Mr. Alien here take a t-shirt to remember your trip.

Don’t forget to tell everyone on your planet what you learned. I’m sure you’ll be back to blow us up real soon.

Keeping up with the Shitheads.

Once upon a time getting a tattoo branded you an outcast.

You had to be a sailor, a biker, an outlaw or an ex-con to sport one.

You were tough and dangerous and your tattoo was a warning sign to the squares to keep their distance. But nowadays everyone is getting them. Your mom has just discovered a more fitting eulogy for little Pablo Escobark then a shoe box in the yard after watching a Miami Ink marathon on TLC.

Your dad loves those Ed Hardy briefs he got for Christmas so much that he’s decided he wants a permanent pair

Your older brother’s 90s tribal tattoos are fading in the sun as he pushes a stroller down the street.

(These are the human equivalent of racing stripes for your car.)

And your sister and her friends all got matching tattoos to remember that great night they had together during reading week last year.

(This is the combined equivalent of Ugg boots and Jagger shots.)

You see? Tattoos at best have become the replacement for hair plugs for mid-life crisis men in their 40s.

And at worst an everlasting testament to just how dumb/drunk/high someone can get.

So what is a young reprobate to do these days if he or she wishes to freak out the man? Here’s a few ideas to get you started.

Change your name to something offensive.

Lots of people seem to be getting their names changed to something stupid. A man in Carlisle changed his name from Richard Smith to Stormhammer Deathclaw Firebrand. and a teenager in Glastonbury has had his name changed to  Captain Fantastic Faster than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk and the Flash combined So think along those lines but more shocking (Ok, maybe not that shocking). Might I suggest changing your name to Fuck You or Vainy Boner or Shithead. Think of all the street cred. you’ll get when people ask you your name and you reply, Fuck You and pull out your ID to prove it. Think of how pissed off your dad will be when he has to introduce you to his boss and you shake the bosses hand vigorously and say Vainy Boner, pleased to meet you. And as for the last one, you wouldn’t even have to tell people your name. You could just get this hat and point to it like Prince.

Start crossdressing (this one’s for the homies).

This will let people know that you’re most likely mentally unstable and it will force them to think about all the weird sexual things you’re into. They might not think you’re tough or dangerous but they’ll definitely keep their distance.

Stop bathing (this one’s for the fly girls).

Women hate gender stereotypes and are always trying to prove that they can be just one of the guys.



Well one of those stereotypes is that women are always clean and sweet smelling where as most guys are slobs. Well if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em ladies. Stop bathing and become a bum. Now when I say bum I don’t mean a homeless person. Society expects them to be filthy. I just mean stop washing yourself or your clothes. You still go to work, hit the starbucks and go out with your friends on week ends. If anyone asks you why you smell so bad or why you don’t take a shower just tell them that you’re too cool for that. Or say, Fuck you and your system!

Change your race.

Everyone remembers that kid in school that went away for the summer and came back with plaid pants and a Mohawk. Hell, I think Spike Lee even made a movie about it.

That might have been considered crazy 20 years ago but not now. These days people are giving their babies Mohawks. You’re not a baby are you?

Instead go away for the summer and come back as Spike Lee. That would really freak people out. I could get into the long winded explanation of how you go about doing this but it’s a lot easier and more fun if you just rent Soul Man.





And don’t think you brothers and sisters can’t get in on the act. Remember Michael Jackson?

Of course I remember him. Check out my new tattoo bro!