I've got it all figured out.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Bieber (not Beaver) Feaver!

Have you guys seen this little creep?

He’s called Justin Bieber. Not Justin Beaver.

Here’s his video (if you can stomach it).

Ugh. That was like a nuclear bomb of uncomfort dipped in gay. It used to piss me off that channels like MTV and Much Music don’t even show videos anymore but now I’m inclined to double high five their heads of programming. Even with the nations’ collective music stations seeming to ban anything to do with music on their channels I’ve still seen this piece of shit twice and that’s more Baby, baby baby Ohhhs and tween bullshit then any man can handle, except maybe a pedophile.

(Fergie Oliver: At least I liked the ladies.)

So apparently Justin Bieber (not Beaver) is a pop super star and a teenage heartthrob. Heartthrob? Really? He’s like 10 fucking years old! Teenage girls should be getting paid to watch him, not the other way around.

(Ladies… I have, count em, (sticks out the fingers) two pubes!)

Then again I guess he’s no different then Munudo. They were a big hit with teenage girls in the 80s.

(If anyone wonders what turned Ricky Martin gay, it was those pants).

They even went as far as to kick out members out of the band when they either turned 16, grew facial hair or their voices broke. Probably the same rules that had to be followed at the Drummond household.

Mr. Drummond: You’re getting a little gangly and mannish there Willis. I think I’ll drop you off back in the ghetto on Monday.

Arnold: What you talking about?!
An even more successful and far creepier child band was the Mini Pops.

This was a bunch of little kids that covered pop hits and made videos dressed like the stars they covered. Here they are doing Video Killed the Radio Star. (Warning: do not watch while on drugs.)

Scary. Even scarier is the fact that the Mini Pops are still going. They’re not quite as creepy but they make up for it by being way more lame. They’re now called Mini Pops Kids and in recent years they’ve released 6 double disc CDs and a Christmas album under K-Tel. In the most recent volume they sing Poker Face and Hoedown Throwdown but my favorite is Volume 2 because the commercial has this amazing fat kid covering Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day.

No one’s going to send Kim Kardashian death threats for flirting with that kid anytime soon. And what’s she doing flirting with Justin Bieber (not Beaver) anyway? Isn’t she like 30 years old? She’s as bad as Mr. Drummond.

Justin Bieber (not Beaver) would be best to just stay away from both of them. What he should do is move in with George and Katherine Papadapalis. They always seemed like upstanding no-nonsense parental figures.

(Look at their faces. They say, This kid is ruining all our action but we’ve got to do the right thing.)

Better yet Justin Bieber (not Beaver) why don’t you use all your newly gained wealth to purchase a rocket and fire yourself into space? Then we can all get back to enjoying pop music that prevents the sexualization of children, not promotes it.

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