I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Nice bomb Faisal. I’ve seen more dangerous shit confiscated by a grade school principal. Now do the Truffle Shuffle!

So I see they caught that guy that tried to blow up Time Square.

I use the word tried in the loosest sense. He didn’t even have the kind of fertilizer that blows up. It seems to me that any idiot could figure out what kind of fertilizer blows up in about 10 seconds worth of Google clicks. I’m not going to try it though because I don’t want Canada’s version of the FBI knocking down my door tonight.

(File photo: CSIS)

Maybe that’s why he didn’t Google it. He thought if he did someone would be monitoring his Google from the FBI’s Google monitoring station and then they’d use their top secrete live version of Google Earth to find him.

(Hey chief, we’ve got someone else picking up fertilizer here!)

You would think they could have told him what kind of fertilizer to use at one of those terrorist training camps he went to. What the hell are they teaching over there anyway?

You know what? They probably don’t have fertilizer over there. That’s why there’s so much desert. Even if he did have the right kind I still don’t think his crummy bomb would have worked. One of the other key components he used was firecrackers! Maybe I’m wrong but a bomb that contains fire crackers doesn’t sound like much of a bomb. I like fireworks though. My favorite firework was always the Burning School House.

I used to make my teacher with a firecracker body and matches for hair. Then I’d make her hanging out the window. Once I even made her out of a bottle rocket and she shot off into the creek. Take that Mrs. Bernell you bitch! I wonder what kind of firecrackers the terrorist guy used?

The news is saying that his car bomb was like a Rube Goldberg device. Named after Reuben Lucius Goldberg, a cartoonist and inventor that came up with wacky complex machines that performed simple tasks.

Not to be confused with Dr. Goldfoot the creator of the Bikini Machine.

I’m not sure what my favorite Rube Goldberg device from movies is. I want to say the breakfast maker from Pee Wee’s big adventure.

But Goonies gate opening machine forces Chunk to do the Truffle Shuffle.

I've changed this to a link because it keeps starting up on its own. Click below to watch... balls.

The Truffle Shuffle Gate.

Maybe they should force Faisal Shahzad to do the Truffle Shuffle for everyone in Time Square as part of his punishment. Except I don’t think he has much of a gut. Instead I say he should be suplexed to death in time square by Hulk Hogan as part of NYC’s Rockin’ New Year Show.

Hulk Hogan: Should I suplex him again broootherssss?!

Crowd: USA! USA! USA!

Hulk Hogan: I’ll take that as a yes Hulkamaniacs! *SUPLEX *SUPLEX *SUPLEX*
Oh well, thanks for not blowing up New York. I had a pretty good time hanging out with you last year and I’d like to see you again sometime. Wink.

And as for you Faisal, in honor of your lame bomb that failed to do anything more then stink up your cheap Craigslist SUV, here’s video after video of fat kids doing the Truffle Shuffle. USA! USA! USA!

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