I've got it all figured out.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Rock Hard: encouraging the renewal of temperance & virtue.

You know what I wish I was doing right now? Watching Cheaters.

Man that’s an awesome show. The host Joey Greco is such a scum bag.

He makes Geraldo Rivera look like Oprah. Here he is getting stabbed.

Yeah, I don’t know why I haven’t watched Cheaters lately. Oh wait, yes I do. Because it’s on at 1 AM Sunday morning! I guess I could PVR it and then I could skip all the commercials. But even the commercials are good. There’s always a commercial for their website cheaters.com If you’ve never been you should check it out. It’s full of good stuff. Right from the homepage you get an awesome cropped photo of Joey Greco in a bad ass leather jacket trying to look tuff and sensitive all at once. Down the side there’s a link to the Cheaters Store where you can buy amazing merchandise like…

A Cheaters thong.

A Cheaters Zippo lighter.

Or a Cheater’s t-shirt

Check out the slogan on the back …encouraging the renewal of temperance & virtue…

I think it’s hilarious that they’re actually trying to make people think that Cheaters is helping couples and not exploiting them. Do you think Joey Greco and the Cheaters producers all sit around going, Maybe one day with the help of our TV show, website and these t-shirts we’ll reach enough people to end cheating forever and then our work on this earth will be done.?

Not only is Cheaters helping couples. It’s also helping all those lonely singles out there too with their own dating service nocheatersdate.com. There you’re guaranteed to find someone that won’t cheat on you. They even make you check a box that says, I am single and NOT in a relationship. The NOT is even in capitals just to be sure. Don’t take my word for it though. Take the word of an actual nocheatersdate.com member.

WWJGD: This Saturday will mark the one month anniversary of my online relationship with DNTCH-E-TONME69 through nocheatersdate.com. To celebrate I’m going to send her these Cheaters hip hugger panties.

The other commercial they play all the time during Cheaters is for Extenze.

Yep, boner pills. But not just boner pills. Extenze comes in a drink format too.

It’s like an energy drink for your wang!

Can you imagine sitting on the bus and looking over and seeing some shrimp dinked weirdo actually drinking a can of this stuff? You try to look away but you can’t. Then he sees you looking at him and whispers I can feel it growing. Then for the rest of the bus ride you worry that the bus is going to hit a pothole and that can is going to fly out of his hand and land on you. Then you wake up the next day with dicks growing all over you.

File photo: You the next day.

Extenze has a pretty intense website too. They don’t just sell boner potions. They sell all kinds of weird stuff.

Like seaman flavoring pills.

And premature ejaculation spray called Rock Hard Spray

It looks like Axe body spray. They should make a deal with Axe to combine their products. I’m pretty sure they share the same clientele.

I’ve even got a great marketing idea for them. A new super hero storyline. Picture this:

Mild mannered Bruce Boner was working late at the Axetenze factory when he slipped and fell into a vat of premature ejaculation spray. From that day forward he was known as Rock Hard!

Now he travels the world fighting crime with his rock hard erection and copious load. Oh and also he smells like cheap shitty cologne. (That part’s for you Axe people.)

So what do you think? I think I’m going to be a millionaire. And if the Axe/Extenze people don’t like it I can always sell it to GWAR for their next album. My only stipulation is that Odorous has to mutilate Joey Greco on stage every night during the album tour.

Play me out Scumdogs.

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