Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0033

Sometimes at night I walk Mutton without her leash on. She likes to walk on the front lawns of the houses in the neighborhood and sometimes she’ll run up to someone’s front door and sniff it. I don’t know why. Maybe the house has a dog in it or the people that live there smell like dog ass.

I don’t smell nothing, do you Skyler?

One time a while back she went up to someone’s porch and came back with a full size football in her mouth. I don’t know why she picked it up. She never picks anything else up. Maybe she could smell the pig skin and it smelled like bacon to her. Mutton has never even had bacon but she still loves it. All dogs love bacon. It’s a fact.



Is pig skin different then regular leather? Do they just make leather out of cow hides? Or do they make clothes and things out of pigskin too? And what about other animal hides? Am I missing out on a world of exotic animal leather goods? Go long Magic Internet. I’m going to throw you the bomb or something. Is that even right? I don’t know. I don’t watch football. Football sucks.

Question 33: Can you get leather made from other animals, specifically pigskin?



Magic Internet Answer: Yes. Many different animal hides are used to make leather, including pig skin. This is one reason why leather items may appear similar but differ vastly in price. Pig leather is often used to make jackets. It is sometimes a little tougher and stiffer than cow leather but many people could be wearing a pig skin jacket and not even know it.

What?! This is pig skin?! I can’t wear this now. I’ll look like an idiot!

Buffalo hide is another common type of leather. Buffalo leather can have a more pronounced pattern with deeper grooves and it is a leather that is extremely tough. This makes it excellent leather for protective motorcycle wear.

Like the Native Americans of old, this man’s motorcycle suit uses every part of the Buffalo.

Then there is sheep skin. Sheep skin leather is softer but not as rugged as most leathers. This makes it good for gloves, purses and leather pants.

And don’t forget shorts.

With tear away cod piece!

Deer skin leather is another exceptionally soft leather. It is often used to make gloves and the use of deer skin leather dates back to the ancient Indians.

Deer skin loin cloth heap smooth. Running bear no chap wang.

One could say that snake and crocodile skin is a form of leather too. Both of these skins are hard to work with so they are usually made into small pieces that are very expensive.

Not if you’re Crocodile Dundee

(Insert joke about that vest being Paul Hogan’s actual skin here.)

And now we are getting into the much more exotic leathers. Did you know that you can make leather from shark skin? It is true. Shark skin leather is very durable and also very sleek and smooth. It is another expensive leather and is most often used to make small pieces such as wallets, watch straps and belts.

Meh. It’s got nothing on the Shark Fin Hawaiian Shirt.

Life of the party not included.

And sharks are not the only fish that can be turned into leather. Sting rays make good durable leather too. Sting ray leather was even used by the Japanese to make armor.

Japanese Museum Archival File Photo: Sting ray armor.

So you see Johnny there is a plethora of different animal leathers out there to choose from. Oh and by the way. Modern footballs are no longer made from pig skin. They are made from composite leather that usually cowhide. So I highly doubt your canine companion took the ball because it smelled like bacon. Perhaps, unlike you, she just enjoys football.

Yeah? Well she’s too old for Puppy Bowl so Mutton’s football career began and ended that night on the neighbor’s lawn.



Smell ya later Magic Internet.



Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0032

Last week I took Mutton to the vet. She had to get a shot to make sure she doesn’t get rabies. When dogs get rabies they get all mean and bitey. Like Cujo.



And then when the dog bites you. You get all mean and bitey. Like Bud the C.H.U.D.



Or maybe you just die. I don’t know. Who do you think I am, Dr. Pet Vet?

Now this little fellow will give you inflammation of the brain.

Regardless, rabies is the closest thing we have to a real zombie outbreak disease so we’ve got to keep a lid on it. After Mutton got her shot the vet was giving her a look over and he checked her teeth and said she had tarter on them. I don’t know why, I give her Dentastix all the time.

 They're supposed to clean her teeth and keep her from having dog breath.

File Photo: Dog breath.

So the vet goes into this spiel about how you can buy this special food and how you can brush her teeth and everything and I’m thinking, Come on. I barely take care of my own teeth. But I guess teeth are important to dogs. They don’t have hands. So I guess I’m going to have to try and brush them. Either that or get her dentures. Can you get dentures for dogs? I know you can get fake replacement balls for dogs that have been neutered. It’s true. They’re called Neuticles.

They’re like breast implants but they go into your dogs empty sack so that you he feels like more of a man or something. They also make good earrings.

But I’m getting off topic here. Magic Internet. Come here boy. Come on boy.

Question 32: Can you get false teeth for dogs?



Magic Internet Answer: It is a rare treat when you come to me with a question that is both stupid and interesting, Johnny. So I shall do my best to answer it fully. Dentures have been made and fitted for dogs. The first doctor to do so was Dr. D. Fosland from Aberdeen, Scotland back in 1938.

Cool I wonder if Mackenzie boy is related to Spuds Mackenzie?

Spuds needed a false set of lips so he could motorboat all those Bud girls’ jugs.

Yes, Johnny. Thank you for your input. Modern veterinarian practice frowns upon full dentures for canines as they are difficult to keep in the dog’s mouth and are difficult to clean. If your dog does loose teeth, most veterinarians will suggest that you switch your pet to a soft food diet. However dental implants are an option. A TTA procedure for a dog will cost between $2,200 - $2,500 per tooth. The fluctuation in the price is based on the size of the dog and the amount of anesthetic that needs to be used. This price also includes a pre-surgery exam, antibiotic and pain medication prescription for 10 days and 3 post-operation exams not to mention the surgery and the tooth its self. The implant is made from a titanium screw most often capped with a ceramic tooth. Although some doctors are opting for a crown made form hydroxyapitite, a calcium phosphate ceramic. Using this material may help with bone growth on to the metal screw. It was also used as a coating for leg implants in a cat called Oscar.

Tank treads would have been better but at least he’s a shoe in (zinger) for Pet Cemetery III

Well thanks MI. Those would be some pretty expensive teeth. I better go out and get Mutton a tooth brush. Either that or pick up an old set of falsies from the TTC lost and found along with a can of gravy and some crazy glue. Check ya later.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0020

I’ve never really considered my dog Mutton to be the brightest of animals.

But she does have her moments. She can sit and fetch and pick out certain toys on command and she’s prone to those quirky, intuitive moments that I think all dogs have. Those things that dogs do that make dog owners think that their dog is special and smarter than the average dog.

Ahhhh Ha Ha Ha. He’s washing the window!!! Ha Ha Ha. He’s, he’s, he’s WASHING the window!! Whew!

But can dogs actually think? Are they capable of any real complex thoughts? Or are they just little organic machines capable of performing simple tasks that have been programmed into them through repetition? Like the character Steve Urkel on family matters.

Speaking of robots and Steve Urkel. Remember when Boogaloo Shrimp played that Urkel-bot?

Let’s climb to the lofty peaks of keyboard mountain.

With another offering of floppy discs to the Magic Internet.

Question 20: What do dogs think?

Magic Internet Answer: Despite the massive popularity of canines as pets for humans the scientific study of dog behavior lags far behind that of many other animals. This could have something to do with the inability of scientists to study true Ethology when it comes to dogs. Ethology is the study of an animal in its natural environment. A domesticated dog’s natural environment becomes the artificial one that the owner creates for it.

Don’t feel too bad, it’s still better than this.

Another excuse for the lack of study in canine cognition could be that those individuals that are obsessed with dogs are not often the scientific type.

But there has been some research done on the domesticated canine thought process and I think you will find it quite interesting. You see dogs think in sensory impressions; sounds, odors and images etc. The images they conjure up in their heads may not be as complex as say Nam Ben’s but they do have thoughts.

But can can a dog think beyond reactions to an external stimuli or genetically controlled drives? Can a dog solve a problem mentally? Can a dog analyze a situation; imagine ways to manipulate or control it, then take a pre-planned course of action toward a goal that was preconceived in the dog's mind? The answer to this is yes. Here is an example. When a dog looks at you pleadingly and wags its tail around supper time it is indeed asking for its supper, in a roundabout way. In the dog’s mind it is imagining or mentally imaging not the food but the actions and words you perform and say before getting its supper. The tail wagging and begging are tools that the dog is using to stimulate you to perform these words and actions that result in it getting fed.

So in this daily occurrence we can see that dogs do think and produce mental images and we can also see that dogs do have problem solving skills. The conclusion being that dogs have a greater mental capacity then many people give them credit for.

That’s awesome Magic Internet. My dog is smarter than Steve Urkel! I’ve also got another little scientific experiment that shows the problem solving skills of dogs. And best of all, it’s an old Banzi clip.

Isn’t science fun kids? Man I miss that show.

You can land your Sky Striker right here and you don't have to back it out!

You know what I hate? Those stupid home buying shows on TV. Why would anyone want to waste an evening watching some pin head and his foaming at the mouth wife go around and look at houses they might buy? They even have one show where they show them houses they could buy if they were millionaires. What the fuck is that?! I’d rather watch that monkey drink his own pee for an hour.

Remember me? Ooh Ooh good.

I’ll tell you what; if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t be buying some used cookie cutter mansion like they have on that show. I’d want a new mansion, custom built. Like Penn Jillette’s Slammer.

He even has Garry Busey’s drivers licence above the urinal!

I don’t know if I’d want my house to look like a prison from the outside though. Maybe I’d base it on the G. I. Joe Aircraft Carrier. I always wanted that thing and my parents never got it for me. I’d put a fountain out on the flight deck and one of those driveways where you don’t have to back out. All good mansions have those.

It was 71/2 feet long for fuck’s sake!

I don’t think I’d have a butler. I don’t want some dusty old guy skulking around my house. But I do like the idea of having someone take my hat and coat when I come in the door. Maybe I could dig up Alan Napier and have him stuffed and mounted as a coat rack. He was the guy that played Alfred on the old Batman TV series. But I wouldn’t have him dressed in his butler uniform. I’d have him dressed as Batman. It always cracked me up on that show when Bruce Wayne and Batman had to appear somewhere at the same time and Alfred would dress up as Batman. Who in their right mind is going to believe that a 70 year old man with a white pencil mustache and coke bottle glasses in a baggy costume is actually Batman?

Boy Batman sure has lost weight. Maybe it’s all those prune smoothies we saw him drinking at the last Wayne Foundation Party.

I don’t really care what the kitchen looks like. Just as long as it’s not yellow. I heard somewhere that yellow kitchens increase incidents of domestic violence. Something about the colour and setting that makes people angry. Although I would like a fridge that has a special shelf to hold pizza boxes. Oh and one of these too please.



Now that I’ve made you a delicious snack out of garbage, perhaps you’d like to eat it in the dining room? I guess I’d have to have one of those big long mansion tables that all rich people eat at.

Bonus: Guy in the mirror looks like he’s playing keyboards.

It would be nice to have all the condiments and things on RC cars so that you don’t have to get up to fetch them. I would also like some little jumps for them on the table. I’m a fast eater so this would help to amuse me while I wait for everyone else to finish. And at Thanksgiving the gravy boat could jump the centre piece on the back of one of those rev up Evil Kenevil toys.

After dinner I usually watch TV. I don’t need anything too fancy. Sure I’d have the big HD flat screen and surround sound and all that but I don’t want one of those home theatre rooms with the movie style seating and everything. I don’t really like sitting in movie theatres. I’ll just sit on the couch. I’d have a bean bag chair too but not for me. It would be for people that I don’t really like to sit in. Because bean bag chairs suck.

It kind of looks like a boob because it is a boob. Now take a seat Mrs. Bernell and let’s talk about how much of a bitch you were when I was in grade 4.

I’d like to have a game room. Maybe with like a pool table and a dart board in it. Oh and one of those creepy armwresling arcade guys.

I particularly like this one do to the addition of plastic broads.

Maybe I could have someone famous over to play pool like Brett Baxtor Clark. Yeah I could have Brett over to play pool and then leave the remaining balls on the pool table to remember what a great time we had. Then some reporter could come over to interview me and sink the balls and I’d scream, You ruined my Nick the Dick memento! Then lock him in a closet at gunpoint like Phil Spector did to that guy that ruined his Minnesota Fats pool balls.

Bonus: The judge at Phil’s trial totally looks like Bruce Willis!

Let’s talk toilets. Once again I’m not fussy. As long as it holds pee and poo and gets rid of it when I flush I’m happy. One thing I don’t want is one of those cushioned toilet seats. They’re gross.

Shudder.

The bathtub though has to be good. I want a big bath tub. I’m sick of all these tiny bathtubs made for puny creeps. I want a bathtub made for a man. So big that you can practically swim in it. Like that one Francis had in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Maybe more of a bathtub made for a man-child than a man.

Upstairs is the master bedroom. And yes I’d have stairs. No elevator, escalator of fireman’s pole. Who the fuck wants to slide down a fireman’s pole on a Monday morning? Maybe I’d have a dog gondola for Mutton because she doesn’t like the going up and down stairs sometimes.

File Photo: Crazy person’s dog.

Now a bedroom should be just for going to bed. So I would like a bedroom that’s just all bed. Just a wall to wall mattress with a bunch of blankets. Sort of like a human nest. Instead of night stands I’d have recessed shelves in the wall. That way I could roll around all night and not worry about falling out of bed. It would definitely have to be one custom made giant mattress though. I don’t want a bunch of different mattresses all pushed together. That would give off a creepy swingers party vibe.

Hey Johnny, I like what you’ve done with the bedroom. Me too. So do I.

I’d need a big back yard for Mutton too. With a big pond for her to swim in. And while we’re at it why don’t we put a jet ski in the pond. In case I ever have douche bags over.

Oh and since Mutton’s a sheep dog I should get some sheep back there . Except then I’d have to feed them and take care of them. I know. I’ll just higher a bunch of midgets to come over once a week dressed up as sheep and she can chase them around for a couple of hours.

And there you go. That would be my house. And I can guarantee it won’t be featured on any of those stupid house hunting shows. Maybe Weird Homes. Now there was a good show about houses. Remember the episode where they showed that crazy guy that built a castle out of old embalming fluid bottles?

Ha. Ha. Ha. He was mentally deranged.

Well I better go. I’ve got to fish a dead midget out of the pond and gas up the jet ski. Criss Angel’s coming over.

Yes he spells his name C-R-I-S-S.

He wants to try one of my magic hot dogs.

Check Ya Later.



Ayatollah no fish bowla!

I read an article today that said Iran is trying to ban pets.

Apparently Iran is banning all ads for pets, pet stores, pet products and anything else to do with pets. I’m assuming that includes things like the opening and closing treasure chest for fish tanks.

And Ferret denim.

And it’s all because of this guy.

Grand Ayatollah Nasser Makarem Shirazi. Kind of makes you think it’s time to resurrect an old favourite from the t-shirt drawer.

First of all, the guy is 86 years old! He’s just jealous of pet owners because he can’t even buy a hamster for fear that it will outlive him.

Yes, Funeral Home? I’d like to order one Ayatollah sized shoe box. Yes, Reebok will be fine.

The Ayatollah also thinks that dogs in particular should be banned because they’re unclean. Well if you’re going to ban dogs for being unclean then you better ban this guy too.

He practically lives in that suit and from what I hear he has B.O. so bad that it offends China. China! Now I’ve never been to China but as many of you will know I’ve been to China Town and let me tell you, if that’s a sample of what it smells like in China then Ahmadinejad must have to trick his shirts into the hamper with a trident and a net. In fact he probably needs that nuclear reactor just to wash his y-fronts.

Iranian File Photo: Spin Cycle.

Oh and Ayatollah. That thing Ahmadinejad said about Iran having no gay people. Yeah you might want to check up on that too.

Look, I’m with you on the banning haircuts thing.

I think we're all getting a little tired of seeing things like this:

And douche bags like this:

And the only time I’ll tolerate a mullet is when it’s atop Van Damme in Hard Target.


van damme owned snake
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I’m also happy to see that the approved Iranian haircut catalogue includes quaffs. That means that the Iranian people won’t be deprived of soul-strutting glory that is Wayne Cochran.



But no pets? Commmmeon Iran. Be cool.

A house full of pets is a house full of love.



And sure sometimes living with my dog Mutton is kind of like living with a homeless person.

Yo buddy, I lost my wallet and I'm trying to get enough money for a bus ticket back to Barrie...

But hey, at least I didn’t make her President.