R.I.P. Cory “Flattus Maximus” Smoot 1977 – 2011

I heard over the weekend that Cory Smoot, aka Flattus Maximus the guitarist for GWAR died.

I first saw GWAR when I was 13 years old. It was the first real concert I attended. (Not counting the time my mother took me to see Gowan and Zappa Costa). I first saw the band in a spread in Thrasher magazine and I remember buying their Scum Dogs of the Universe tape at Cheapies in Hamilton.

To a suburban punk kid with a vulgar sense of humor this was the equivalent of the White Album.

But even the audio majesty of double sided cassette couldn’t compare to seeing them live. I remember buying a cheap white shirt from Bi-way in the hopes it would get soaked in blood. I remember being worried about all the second hand pot smoke I might inhale and wondering if it would cause me to lose my mind

Yes I know today’s 13 year olds smoke 6 paper joints for breakfast but this was a different time.

But most of all I remember this:

Check the fat skin head owning the dance floor 57 seconds in. I love that guy.

I came out of that show with a sweaty pink t-shirt, an over-priced hat and a blood lust for all things GWAR. A week or so later I took the bus downtown to Loony Tunes records and bought Live From Antarctica on VHS.

(I still have it.)

I remember thinking I had something truly shocking and perverse. Although if the footage up there is anything to go by (and it is) maybe not so much. But still I kept it hidden from my parents and would only watch it when they weren’t around.

Approves.

I did take it to school one day and when the teacher left the room I treated the class to a surprise discreet screening on the art room’s media centre.

The horror…

The teacher came back into the room just as Oderus Urungus was unleashing his copious load all over the crowd.

I could’t have timed it better myself.

I think the only reason she gave me the tape back was because she didn’t want to have to go through the discomfort of having to show it to the principal.

Principal: Who is the deformed man masturbating again?
Art Teacher: Oderus Urungus.
Principal: I see. And who is the blood covered woman in the metal bra and hairy hot pants?
Art Teacher: ...sigh. Slymenstra Hymen.

I’ll admit that Flattus wasn’t my favorite.

I was more of a Balsac guy.

But he was still a great part of GWAR and GWAR will always be a great part of my youth. I’ve seen them numerous times over the years and they’re still one of the best live shows around. I’m glad they’ve decided to keep touring. I may have to go out and purchase a new white Hanes Beefy Tee and a ticket next time they roll into Toronto to pay my respects. And I’d like think that Flattus Maximus is up there in rock & roll heaven telling the Big Bopper how he smoked his entire home planet because it was made out of weed and then cutting one right in Jimmy Hendricks’s face.

So long old friend.

P.S. No Canadian GWAR tribute could be complete without Nardwar.



Smell you later human filth.

Let's just say that if you ate a Manwich you'd have quite the Manwich eating grin on your face.

Remember a while back I was talking about funerals? Well I’ve been thinking about it again. No, not MY funeral dingi. I’ve been thinking about celebrity funerals. Did you see the footage from Malcolm McLaren’s funeral?




Sure Malcolm McLaren was kind of a dick but he was a punk icon and he went out in style. That got me thinking. I started wondering what other celebrity funerals are going to be like. But the only way to find out would be to travel forward in time somehow. Sounds like a job for my trusty time machine that I’m sure you’ll all recognize from a certain movie, wink, wink.

That’s right. I’ve got the time machine built by H. G. Wells that Jack the Ripper used to travel forward in time to 1979 San Francisco in the movie Time After Time (I got it off Craigslist).



So I’m off to go check out some future celebrity funerals. Smell you later. (Or earlier depending on what I set this thing to). Epileptics, stick your wallets in your mouths ‘cause things might get a little seizurey.

Well I’m back! Man the future sucks. No flying cars yet, the new Rolling Stones album blows and if you think Macaulay Culkin looks weird at age 30

wait until you see him at 60.

Publicity shot from his new future film Funeral Home Alone.

But enough of that weird creep. Let me tell you about some of the celebrity funerals I attended.

Anthony Frank Hawk: May 12th, 1968 - December 4th 2068

Tony Hawk always said that he’d never stop skateboarding and he was right. Tony died after attempting to 50/50 grind Danny Way’s stairlift while Danny was riding up it to use the bathroom.

Future File Photo: Moments before the accident.

The funeral was held in San Diego, California. After a touching eulogy read by Animal Chin

He’s immortal and will never die.

mourners were treated to the spectacle of Tony Hawk’s coffin launched down the giant X-Games ramp where it did a McTwist and an extra 900 before rail-sliding into the crematorium oven.

What an exit!

Donald Stewart Grapes Cherry: February 5th, 1934 – February 4th, 2014

Poor old Grapes died just shy of his 80th birthday. He was on his way to Sochi to commentate on the Canadian Olympic Hockey team for the 2014 Winter Games when he missed a connecting flight from France. Forced with the notion of having to spend an entire day among the French, Don decided to take his own life.

Future File Photo: The last thing Don Cherry saw.

Don Cherry’s funeral was held in his home town of Kingston, Ontario. After an open casket wake featuring Don dressed in a suit made from swatches of all his other hideous suits, the lid was closed on a custom made coffin on skates. A team of white bullterriers representing Don’s beloved dog Blue then pulled the coffin to its final resting place out in Lake Ontario whilst the theme to hockey night in Canada played.

Then they played Chris Sheppard’s Rock’em Sock’em Techno and everyone got drunk on Labatt 50. Smell you later Don.



Nicole Snooki Polizza: November 23rd, 1987 – September 2nd, 2011

Yeah about a year from now Snooki chokes on a… cough, cough… pickle and dies. The funeral was held in the alley behind the MTV studios in New York City. It turns out that she had no family and was an orphan owned by MTV. The other Jersey Shore cast members were supposed to attend her funeral but the guys wanted to go creeping at some shitty night club and the girls didn’t want to get left out so they went too. So as it turns out I was the only one at her funeral. The priest looked at me and I kind of shrugged and then he nodded his head and Carson Daley (he’s the MTV janitor now) stuffed her into one of those little white kitchen garbage bags and threw her in the dumpster at which point a disheveled looking Downtown Julie Brown popped her head up out of the dumpster and shrieked, Meat’s back on the menu tonight!

Future File Photo: The Circle of Life.

Yeah I just kind of threw that one in to cleanse the pallet.

Terry Gene Hulk Hogan, Hulkster, Hulkamaniac Bollea: August 11, 1953 – April 3rd, 2015

The world lost the Hulkster after he ironically strangled himself with his own 24 inch pythons while trying to rip a particularly beefy Haines Beefy Tee off his back before bed.

The funeral was attended by the Hogan family, including his estranged wife who is now dating the three year old playmate of Brooke Hogan’s illegitimate child.

Many of the former Super Stars of Wrestling were in attendance as well as a large portion of America’s mentally challenged. Pallbearers included Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brutis the Barber Beefcake, Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, the surviving Bushwhacker twin and of course Paul Bearer.

Macho Man Randy Savage

Who now looks like Macho Man Randy Santa.

uttered some unintelligible nonsense by way of a eulogy



and then suplexed the Hulkster’s star-spangled coffin into an open grave. Earth was then thrown over the coffin and the Earthquake splash-packed it down.



That’s all the celebrity funerals I attended. All that time traveling made me hungry and a can of Manwich pate is next to impossible to get in the future after the horrifying discoveries of October 12th.



If only they knew. Shudder.