I've got it all figured out.

Friday, November 26, 2010

You can land your Sky Striker right here and you don't have to back it out!

You know what I hate? Those stupid home buying shows on TV. Why would anyone want to waste an evening watching some pin head and his foaming at the mouth wife go around and look at houses they might buy? They even have one show where they show them houses they could buy if they were millionaires. What the fuck is that?! I’d rather watch that monkey drink his own pee for an hour.

Remember me? Ooh Ooh good.

I’ll tell you what; if I was a millionaire I wouldn’t be buying some used cookie cutter mansion like they have on that show. I’d want a new mansion, custom built. Like Penn Jillette’s Slammer.

He even has Garry Busey’s drivers licence above the urinal!

I don’t know if I’d want my house to look like a prison from the outside though. Maybe I’d base it on the G. I. Joe Aircraft Carrier. I always wanted that thing and my parents never got it for me. I’d put a fountain out on the flight deck and one of those driveways where you don’t have to back out. All good mansions have those.

It was 71/2 feet long for fuck’s sake!

I don’t think I’d have a butler. I don’t want some dusty old guy skulking around my house. But I do like the idea of having someone take my hat and coat when I come in the door. Maybe I could dig up Alan Napier and have him stuffed and mounted as a coat rack. He was the guy that played Alfred on the old Batman TV series. But I wouldn’t have him dressed in his butler uniform. I’d have him dressed as Batman. It always cracked me up on that show when Bruce Wayne and Batman had to appear somewhere at the same time and Alfred would dress up as Batman. Who in their right mind is going to believe that a 70 year old man with a white pencil mustache and coke bottle glasses in a baggy costume is actually Batman?

Boy Batman sure has lost weight. Maybe it’s all those prune smoothies we saw him drinking at the last Wayne Foundation Party.

I don’t really care what the kitchen looks like. Just as long as it’s not yellow. I heard somewhere that yellow kitchens increase incidents of domestic violence. Something about the colour and setting that makes people angry. Although I would like a fridge that has a special shelf to hold pizza boxes. Oh and one of these too please.

Now that I’ve made you a delicious snack out of garbage, perhaps you’d like to eat it in the dining room? I guess I’d have to have one of those big long mansion tables that all rich people eat at.

Bonus: Guy in the mirror looks like he’s playing keyboards.

It would be nice to have all the condiments and things on RC cars so that you don’t have to get up to fetch them. I would also like some little jumps for them on the table. I’m a fast eater so this would help to amuse me while I wait for everyone else to finish. And at Thanksgiving the gravy boat could jump the centre piece on the back of one of those rev up Evil Kenevil toys.

After dinner I usually watch TV. I don’t need anything too fancy. Sure I’d have the big HD flat screen and surround sound and all that but I don’t want one of those home theatre rooms with the movie style seating and everything. I don’t really like sitting in movie theatres. I’ll just sit on the couch. I’d have a bean bag chair too but not for me. It would be for people that I don’t really like to sit in. Because bean bag chairs suck.

It kind of looks like a boob because it is a boob. Now take a seat Mrs. Bernell and let’s talk about how much of a bitch you were when I was in grade 4.

I’d like to have a game room. Maybe with like a pool table and a dart board in it. Oh and one of those creepy armwresling arcade guys.

I particularly like this one do to the addition of plastic broads.

Maybe I could have someone famous over to play pool like Brett Baxtor Clark. Yeah I could have Brett over to play pool and then leave the remaining balls on the pool table to remember what a great time we had. Then some reporter could come over to interview me and sink the balls and I’d scream, You ruined my Nick the Dick memento! Then lock him in a closet at gunpoint like Phil Spector did to that guy that ruined his Minnesota Fats pool balls.

Bonus: The judge at Phil’s trial totally looks like Bruce Willis!

Let’s talk toilets. Once again I’m not fussy. As long as it holds pee and poo and gets rid of it when I flush I’m happy. One thing I don’t want is one of those cushioned toilet seats. They’re gross.


The bathtub though has to be good. I want a big bath tub. I’m sick of all these tiny bathtubs made for puny creeps. I want a bathtub made for a man. So big that you can practically swim in it. Like that one Francis had in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

Maybe more of a bathtub made for a man-child than a man.

Upstairs is the master bedroom. And yes I’d have stairs. No elevator, escalator of fireman’s pole. Who the fuck wants to slide down a fireman’s pole on a Monday morning? Maybe I’d have a dog gondola for Mutton because she doesn’t like the going up and down stairs sometimes.

File Photo: Crazy person’s dog.

Now a bedroom should be just for going to bed. So I would like a bedroom that’s just all bed. Just a wall to wall mattress with a bunch of blankets. Sort of like a human nest. Instead of night stands I’d have recessed shelves in the wall. That way I could roll around all night and not worry about falling out of bed. It would definitely have to be one custom made giant mattress though. I don’t want a bunch of different mattresses all pushed together. That would give off a creepy swingers party vibe.

Hey Johnny, I like what you’ve done with the bedroom. Me too. So do I.

I’d need a big back yard for Mutton too. With a big pond for her to swim in. And while we’re at it why don’t we put a jet ski in the pond. In case I ever have douche bags over.

Oh and since Mutton’s a sheep dog I should get some sheep back there . Except then I’d have to feed them and take care of them. I know. I’ll just higher a bunch of midgets to come over once a week dressed up as sheep and she can chase them around for a couple of hours.

And there you go. That would be my house. And I can guarantee it won’t be featured on any of those stupid house hunting shows. Maybe Weird Homes. Now there was a good show about houses. Remember the episode where they showed that crazy guy that built a castle out of old embalming fluid bottles?

Ha. Ha. Ha. He was mentally deranged.

Well I better go. I’ve got to fish a dead midget out of the pond and gas up the jet ski. Criss Angel’s coming over.

Yes he spells his name C-R-I-S-S.

He wants to try one of my magic hot dogs.

Check Ya Later.

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