I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0021

The other night I watched the documentary Food Inc. Have you seen it?

It was a good movie but I don't know if I can recommend it. After seeing it I'm afraid to eat anything!

In my mind this:

Is now this:

And sure you could say, Well just stay away from fast food and processed foods and you'll be fine.


You see there's a part in the movie where they talk about how they take unripe tomatoes from South America ship them up here and then use ethylene gas to ripen them. Ethylene gas! I'm sure I've heard of that before. And you know what I think it is? I think it's dead body gas. I know methane gas is fart gas.

But is ethylene gas dead body gas?

Is the gas that's making this guy float being used to make your apple a Red Delicious?

File Photo: Pale Notsodelicious

I don't want to be eating a dead body salad. Especially now that I know what they taste like. Say who was it that told me about that? Maybe they know a thing or two about ethylene gas. Come to think of it I believe it was the Magic Internet. Stock up your usb mini-fridges folks. We're going in.

Question 21: Is ethylene gas dead body gas?

Eat Mo' Moon Pies!

Magic Internet Answer: It is a good thing that I do not require organic matter. I live off of human stupidity. And as you can see I am growing and growing and growing.

Now let me digest this latest meal that you have put forth. Ethylene gas is in no way related to dead bodies. When a corpse decomposes and bloats the gases that well up from within it are a mixture of hydrogen sulphide, carbon dioxide and methane. Ethylene is a form of gas given off naturally by plants but it can also be synthesized through man-made processes such as combustion.
So a spontaneous human combustion dead body gives of ethylene gas. Ha, ha, I'm right!

Please try to shut up Johnny. Ethylene acts as a ripening hormone and plays a regulatory role in plant growth. Plants, fruits and flowers have receptors that absorb free ethylene in the atmosphere. The absorption of ethylene stimulates the plant to produce more ethylene and the overall result is a hastening in ripening and ultimately the death of the plant. This is why when you put bananas or an avocado in a paper bag they ripen faster. The confined space causes them to absorb, produce and reabsorb more ethylene gas.

Hi, I'm Ethyn. Do you guys like to party?

Ethylene was first discovered by the German physician J. J. Becher sometime around 1669.

File Photo: J. J. that discovered ethylene.

File Photo: J. J. that discovered dynomite.

In 1795 a group of Dutch chemists that were studying the properties of ethylene discovered that oil could be made from it by mixing ethylene with chlorine. This discovery gave ethylene its earlier name olefiant gas (oil-making gas) it also lead to the discovery of ethylene as a fruit and vegetable ripener. Lemon growers would store green lemons in sheds heated by kerosene heaters until they turned yellow and ripened enough to be sent to market. When the growers began heating their sheds by more modern methods they found that the lemons did not ripen as quickly. It was the small amounts of ethylene that was aiding in the ripening.

So you see people have been using ethylene to ripen food for quite a long time. It is not the evil invention of giant food conglomerates and they are certainly not ripening fruits and vegetables in rooms full of dead bodies. In fact ethylene gas is actually used in the production of corpse deodorizing products. Smelleze makes a deodorizer specifically for funeral homes and morgues that comes in a reusable hanging pouch.

That's great Magic Internet. Now I know what to get my niece and nephew for Christmas when they grow up and become goths. High five!

To: Lady Raven Nighthawk and Lazerus Bonefellow. Merry X-Mas. I hope they fit Love: Uncle Johnny.

No comments: