I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I’m a close personal friend of David Lee Roth.

Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:

Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn

Looks like shit Michael Douglas.

Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.

Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.

Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!

One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.

You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.

Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.

You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.

Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.

Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?

Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.

There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.

Shamon for the nookie!

Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?

Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.

But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.

Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.

I knew it!

Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!

This part was awesome too.

Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.

Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.

You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.

What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.

Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.

Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?

Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:

Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!

Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.

This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0027.

One of my all time favorite comedians is Billy Connolly.

File Photo: The Big Yin

I won’t bog this blog down with a whole bunch of his videos; you can look him up if you like. (Good look understanding what he’s saying if you’re not Scottish though.) He’s a very funny guy and more than that he’s a great storyteller. He can start telling a story and then go off on these tangents that can last for half an hour and then come back to the punch line. It’s a great way of telling a joke because even if the joke isn’t great, the audience is still entertained. But there was a story he told that I was watching the other day about his father that got me thinking.

Johnny thinking.

Now this story I did try to find a video for but I had no luck. So I’ll give you this gist of it. Billy was telling a story about how his father was coming to see him but was late because he’d worn his wrong glasses so he had to hunch over the wheel and drive real slow to see. Billy made a joke to his dad saying, Why do you no get one aye them prescription windshields? His dad got all excited and said, Do they make those?! Even though I was laughing I was kind of interested too. I mean now a days they make bifocals, trifocals, I think they even make prescription ski goggles.

Eddie the Eagle could have used those.

So do they make prescription windshields? I know it would be expensive but these days’ stupid rich guys are always looking for something to waste their money on and it usually has something to do with cars.

What’s the nautical term for asshole?

So hey there big cyber yin! Hows about answerin a wee question for us?

Question 27: Can you get a prescription windshield?

Magic Internet Answer: Although having a prescription windshield may seem like a viable purchase for those that are visually yet not economically challenged it is highly unlikely that anyone would have one installed in their vehicle. It is true that a car windshield could be manufactured to match an eyeglass prescription but anyone installing one in their car would subject their passengers to their prescription. Now I know that you are thinking that most individuals that would spend money on a prescription windshield are of the selfish conceded male variety that you commonly refer to as douche bags.

File Photo: Three Stan Gables on their motor bikes.

But you must remember that these men will be transporting passengers of this variety.

So you can see how having a prescription windshield could vastly increase the passenger vomit levels in said vehicle.

Snooky Puke = 8 parts Vex to 3 parts Swallowed Rubbers.

But more importantly, every prescription is made for a specific vertex distance. This is the distance between the eye and the lens. So in order to maintain good vision behind the wheel of a vehicle with a prescription windshield, the driver must keep their head at the specific vertex distance for the prescription and not move their head forward or backward.

I get what you’re saying MI.

You CAN make a prescription windshield. But if you put it in this?

And they drive it past this:

It could all end like this:

Yes Johnny, with flaming puke and everything.

Crazy! What do you think Billy?

Fuckin crazy indeed. And did you see the size aye those guys heads through that windscreen?! Fuckin massive they were!

Nice one Billy. Hey remember that sitcom you did back in 1992 with that annoying little big bang Darlene’s boyfriend creep?

Fuck. What happened there? Now I feel like I’m going to flaming puke. Smell ya later guys.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0026.

I don’t know what it is but when men get to about 40 something compels them to go out and get one of those generic shapeless leather jackets. Go check your dad’s closet right now, I bet it’s in there.

Dad’s Closet Inventory Item # 0040.

Sometimes it’s black. Sometimes it’s brown. It might have that sheep skin collar going on. Or that liner that looks like an old timey aviation map so he can feel like Tom Cruise in Top Gun when he reaches into his inside pocket to get his tire pressure gauge out.

32 psi. Up there with the best Goose!

They should sew a map into it with the locations of all the nearest Wild Wing outlets. That would serve him better.
Highway to the danger zone!

So what is it with these jackets? Do these men just buy them as some sort of simple display of wealth? Is it just so they can say, I have a $500 jacket. This jacket is good quality leather and it shows people that I am marginally successful in life? Kind of like the lame old white guy equivalent of a rope chain?

But even rope chains have resell value. If you don’t like it anymore you can just go and sell it to Russell Oliver. He’ll give you cash.

Those leather jackets have little to no resale value. No one else wants them, apart from other guys in their forties, and they already have one. If it doesn’t get worn it’ll just sit in a closet and about once a year the guys wife will take it out and try to give it away and he’ll say, You’re not giving that jacket away! That thing cost $500! And it will go back in the closet. Maybe I hit on something with the Tom Cruise thing earlier. Maybe they buy them to soothe some sort of mini midlife crisis. There was a time when wearing a leather jacket meant you were cool, sexy, a rebel.

It kept you warm on those cold open roads and it was there to protect you from road rash when you hit a hairpin at 60. But sadly the 40 year old man jacket is only there to protect you from the brief chill you might experience while negotiating the 60 second walk from your P. T. Cruiser to Danier Leather to get your wife those leather pants she suddenly has the craving for. (And that’s a whole other story.) No, there’s nothing cool or sexy about that. And have you ever even been in one of those leather stores like Danier or the Old Hide House?

Deffinitely not worth the drive to Acton.

I can’t go near them. That leather smell is overwhelming. Someone once told me that the smell in those leather stores isn’t even real. They said it was a spray or something. Do you think that’s true? Let’s shove it into overdrive and take the information super highway to the danger zone.

Question 26: Do leather stores spray leather smell in their stores to attract customers?

Magic Internet Answer: I think the urge for male humans to wear animal hides on their backs may in fact be the primitive urge of the hunter and…

Oh wait a minute. That is not what you asked me. Your question is far more stupid. Sigh, very well. Good quality leather has a strong smell to it. This smell is generated by the use of various chemicals used to treat the leather mixed with the natural scent of the hide its self. Faux leather or poor quality leather often has a different type of smell. It is sometimes described as an oily or gas type smell. This is because gasoline is actually used to treat fake and poor quality leathers. Now I know what you are thinking. That perhaps these leather stores are using a leather spray to mask the scent of poor quality goods.

No, I’m thinking that gasoline is also used to make cocaine.
And with that in mind, if Van Halen ever finally gets back together they can run the tour bus with whatever they wring out of Dave’s jumpsuit.

Yes, most amusing. But you see even though faux leather spray does exsist.

Some men use it to renew the scent of their car’s leather interior.

And this man uses it as cologne.

It does not make good business sense to use it. Most of these leather stores pride themselves on selling top quality garments. This is why you pay top dollar and why they are so well known and remain in business. If you have a store filled with good quality leather then your store will smell like good quality leather and there is no need for a spray. So the answer is no. Leather stores do not use a leather scented spray in their stores. Whom ever told you that is possibly dumber than you. And the thought of that is most unsettling.

Yeah, well at least I don’t have to look up videos of Lady Ga Ga in that stupid egg all day.


There you have it folks. No leather spray in the leather shops. Oh and if any of you guys in your forties are reading this and are now thinking of ditching your leather jacket for something more cool, don’t go with snakeskin. Nicholas Cage ruined that over 20 years ago.

Smell your leather later.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Herpe Valentine’s Day!

It’s St. Valentine’s Day and love is in the air!
Over at the Playboy Mansion that love filled air is giving everyone some type of legionnaires disease. They’re saying that it might have been caused by a fog machine but we all know the real cause.

And speaking of diseases I have good news for all you people with herpes out there. You no longer have to spend Valentine’s Day crying lonesome tears into your Hungry Man Fried Chicken Dinner whose freezer burned box you earlier used to sooth your raw and blistered genitals.

Herpes herpes boburpes banana fanna fo ferpes me my mo merpes. Herpes!

Camelot Introductions now offers a dating service that connects people with herpes with other people with herpes.

File Photo: Couples with herpes.

Now your nights can be spent discussing your herpes over candlelit dinners. The size and frequency of your outbreaks, the disgusting acts that resulted in your infection and the horrible people that gave them to you.
It doesn’t matter if you have nothing else in common. That’s never stopped true love before.

File Photo: True love/couples with herpes.

So this one goes out to all you heart hurtin’ herpes havein’ heroes hunched over your Hungry Man helpings. Slap on some polysporin and slip into something stain resistant cause you’re back in the game!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0025

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. If you’re stuck for something to do, why not take your special lady friend on a suburban teen date? Whisk her away to one of those big food barns like East Side Mario’s, Jack Astor’s or Boston Pizza.

Let her mind drift back to a time when woeful appreciation of her was due to vast inexperience and geographical restraints. Here’s what you do: Put on your finest Eminem formal wear. I suggest a pair of baggy white jeans, an oversized v-neck sweater and a matching white baseball cap. (Make sure the cap’s full back, we’re talking formal wear here). Heavily douse yourself in Joop or Axe Choclate or whatever horrendous smelling shit teens are wearing these days. Borrow your dad’s car. Maybe a quick stop at the mall to pick her up something from La Senza. (They’ve usually got that table in the front with the 3 for 1 panties so you don’t have to wander around in there and get all squirmy.)

Even better. $20 just turned one special day into 10 great nights guys!

When you pick her up try to say something that is at the same time endearing yet offensive. Like, Fuck you look fucking hot! or something about her being tappable. If you need inspiration, Google sexy t-shirt slogans.

At the restaurant, be sure to slump in your chair and check your phone a lot. Oh and if fajitas are on the menu, order them. All that sizzling will get the whole room's attention and you’ll seem important. Ordering fajitas on a date in a fat barn restaurant is the teenage equivilant of snapping your fingers and having a man come out playing a violin.

File Photo: The Steakivarius

And what’s with that sizzle anyway? How come I can never get my fajitas to sizzle like that at home? Maybe it’s because my fajitas consist of only this:

Plus this:

You’ve got to make sure you get the cheese ones because the fajita kit doesn’t come with cheese. They don’t tell you that.

But I think there’s something more to it. I think the restaurants put something in their fajitas at the last minute to make them sizzle and smoke like that. Now I’ve got a few ideas of my own on what it is.

Delicous? Maybe. Correct? Hmmm, not sure. Screw this stupid suburban date idea. I’m asking the Magic Internet.

Question 25: Do restaurants put something in their fajitas to make them sizzle?

Magic Internet Answer: Fajita is an interesting word you know Johnny. In Spanish Faja means belt or girdle. Fajita is a diminutive word meaning little belt. This refers to skirt steak. The specific cut of meat that fajitas were originally made from. Skirt steak is a cut about 18 inches long and about 1 inch thick located just below the heart and lungs, skirting the diaphragm. Right about here.

Gross. Come on MI, less grizzly more sizzly!

Well there is no real singular ingredient that causes fajitas to sizzle. It is simply the end cooking process. Some restaurants however do employ subtle techniques to maximize sizzling before a plate of fajitas is served. One way is to heat a skillet separately and transfer the fajita filling to it just before cooking.

I’d go one more and have it brought out by the Christian Metal band Skillet. Perhaps after transferring it onto that blond guy’s shirt.

Yes, well, some restaurants have also been known to pour some of the fajita marinade or even soy sauce over the skillet just before serving.

Soy Sauce??!!
Chinese Fajitas today’s special at T.G.I. Friday’s Tokyo, where less than 30 pieces of flare brings great shame.

But perhaps the best way to increase the sizzle before serving fajitas is to squeeze fresh lime juice over the filling. Many Mexican dishes are finished in this matter and it is a healthier option than soy sauce.

Lime juice, huh? Whatever you say Magic Internet. Although I still think I’ve got something there with those Pop Rocks. Hey, remember that episode of Mr. Belvedere when Whesley called him a Slimey Limey? I hated that little shit.

Just look at his face! 

The theme song was good though.

Hey, do you think anyone actually joined the fan club and got the Fun Kit?

And if you’re still with me then you know what’s coming next.

Check Ya Later!