The other night I watched a pretty decent documentary on the Montreal punk scene called MTL PUNK: The First Wave. It was pretty good. You should check it out if you’re into that sort of thing. And during the commercials I also saw this.
Talk about a bonus feature! Here is what we have learned in just 2 minutes:
- There are people out there that can’t cook meatloaf.
Actually that doesn’t surprise me.
- There are people out there that have paid $40 for a meatloaf pan.
- Billy Mays is back from the dead and he’s bald!
And if he’s anything like Jason from Friday the 13th his future reincarnations are only going to get worse.
- This meatloaf pan is so amazing you don’t even need oven mitts!
- There are people out there that make themed meatloafs.
I wonder how that meatloaf recipe book is laid out.
Geographically?
Chinese meatloaf anyone?
Italian?
Or how about a California cheeseburger?
Maybe they’ve got a section for special occasions.
Handy for Halloween.
And Christmas. (Santa says Billy gets the chedder stump end piece this year.)
Birthdays.
Prom night.
And if you’re Polynesian…
Happy Fattening Day son.
I bet there’s something in there that even Randy would like.
Good evening ladies and germs. Ha, ha, ha. Was that line ever actually funny? Do you think the punk band the Germs ever opened one of their shows with that line?
Someone threw away a perfectly good white girl.
Now that was a funny line!
Oh well, cutting edge 1940s comedy lines and Better Off Dead clips aside, I do have something on my mind today. Dog treats. Have you seen what’s going on with dog treats these days?
Wild Alaskin Salmon?!
Grilled Wild Boar?! (Not fried, no, on. Grilled)
Dog Ice Cream?!
My dog sleeps on the floor, shits on the sidewalk and hasn’t had a bath in at least 2 weeks. It’s essentially like living with a homeless person. Yet I’m supposed feed it the menu equivalent of Jamie Oliver teaming up with Ted Nugent and Ben & Jerry to open up a restaurant in Williamsburg?! It’s madness I tell you. But it’s not like we all didn’t see this coming. Dog food makers have been exploiting dog owners’ own selfish cravings for years. I think it began with the revelation that most dog owners are only slightly smarter than their pets and if you can create a dog food that the owner would kind of like to eat then chances are they will buy it for their pet.
Take Kibbles ‘N Bits for example.
It may be the first dog food to have its own distinctive look. And you know what? It’s just Bits & Bites for dogs.
The name’s pretty much the same and it even looks the same.
Even down to those little orange bullet shaped things that were everyone’s favorite.
Then Alpo came out with its Prime Cuts line of canned dog food.
In Gravy!
Hell even I kind of want to eat that. And look at the can in the background there. It might as well be Chunky Soup.
Fully loaded?!
I wonder how many drunken bachelors have come home and accidently heated up a can of Alpo. Or better yet fed a can of Chunky to their dog the next morning?
YES!
But then things changed. Stupid people started eating worse and worse food. There was no way that the next generation of dumb-people-insta -food could be sold based on its visual appeal. Have you ever seen inside a Michalina’s?
What did you expect from something called Wheels & Cheese?
So how do you sell crap like this to the public? Well you could go the route of the TV Dinner people and push quantity.
Now in your shirt size!
Or you could use those flavor buzz wards we all know so well. Words like cheese and bacon.
The food industry collectively said, Let it be so. And the dog food people, happy that they no longer had to make a can of liquefied horse balls look like prime rib, jumped for joy.
Dogs shouldn’t be eating bacon. People shouldn’t be eating bacon. If we really loved our dogs we would demand treats based on what the dog really likes. Not what we like. Now that’s a good idea.
Presenting: Creepshow’s Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites (With distinct flavors that are just for dogs. No humans allowed!)
Flavors like:
Other Dog’s Ass
It may be no bed or roses to you but what dog doesn’t love the heady aroma of another dogs ass? Well now they can enjoy it in the form of a treat. Slip a couple of these in your purse and you’ll have a good boy all day long. (Comes in both male and female flavors for insane homophobes.)
Or try:
Toilet Bowl
How many times have you told your dog to get away from that toilet bowl? Well now you can reward him for doing so with exactly what he wants. Toilet bowl flavored treats.
And roll over for:
Tramp’s Pant Leg
Like Marco Polo returning from the Orient laden with exotic spices your average tramp’s trousers are laden with revolting delicacies the likes have which can only be required by a true gentleman of the road. We’ve done our best to capture these savory treats in a biscuit form that we think your dog will love. (just don’t ask us how, you don’t want to know.)
The Bag the Chinese Food Came In
Pretty self-explanatory treat here. Your dog can enjoy it any time and you don’t have to worry about him ingesting that pesky receipt staple.
Sundried Racoon Guts
Mmm, that leash pullingly good taste of something that once ate garbage and is now long dead. What more could a dog ask for?
You see. Your dog’s true culinary desires range from mildly nauseating to truly revolting. And I suppose no one is going to want market that. Well at least these new modern foody options for dogs claim to be more healthy. If that means our dogs will live longer and happier lives, then I guess I’m for it.
Over at the Playboy Mansion that love filled air is giving everyone some type of legionnaires disease. They’re saying that it might have been caused by a fog machine but we all know the real cause.
And speaking of diseases I have good news for all you people with herpes out there. You no longer have to spend Valentine’s Day crying lonesome tears into your Hungry Man Fried Chicken Dinner whose freezer burned box you earlier used to sooth your raw and blistered genitals.
Herpes herpes boburpes banana fanna fo ferpes me my mo merpes. Herpes!
Camelot Introductions now offers a dating service that connects people with herpes with other people with herpes.
File Photo: Couples with herpes.
Now your nights can be spent discussing your herpes over candlelit dinners. The size and frequency of your outbreaks, the disgusting acts that resulted in your infection and the horrible people that gave them to you.
It doesn’t matter if you have nothing else in common. That’s never stopped true love before.
File Photo: True love/couples with herpes.
So this one goes out to all you heart hurtin’ herpes havein’ heroes hunched over your Hungry Man helpings. Slap on some polysporin and slip into something stain resistant cause you’re back in the game!
Alright listen up hair bags. Uncle Johnny is going away for a while.
No, I’m not going to jail you turkeys. I’m going on vacation. I’m going to Europe for 2 weeks. Yep, I’m going to be on tour like Rusty.
I may stop in and check on you all if I can.
But for the most part you’ll be on your own. So I want you all to be good while I’m gone. You can stay up an extra hour and watch TV but only if it’s something educational.
I’ve prepared all your meals so you won’t go hungry.
Breakfast
Lunch
Dinner
Repeat.
Don’t go in my room. I’m going to pluck, lick and stick a hair across the door frame like James Bond so I’ll know if you went in there.
And just to make sure you don’t touch the hair, it’s not going to be from my head. That’s right… it’s going to be a curly whirly.
But if you DO go in my room. Deffinitely stay out of my closet!
Yeah my buddy Barry from Kitchener is renting it out for a month so him and his old lady don’t get listed as common law.
Don’t make any long distance phone calls on my new phone.
And definitely no calling the Warrant Rock Line.
If you all are good and you all follow the rules, you can each have one popsicle.
