I’m a close personal friend of David Lee Roth.

Someone near and dear to be sent me this link for a celebrity impersonators website called Lookalike. She wanted me to see how funny and shitty some of the impersonators are.
One’s like:

Simon Cowell as a vampire in Dusk Til Dawn

Looks like shit Michael Douglas.

Penis touching Kid Rock with hypnotizing pink nips.

Looks like shit/looks like he’s taking a shit George Burns.

Guess. Come on, just try to guess. Give up? It’s David Lee Roth. Seriously! Ah ha ha ha ha!

One of the things I like about the website is that they seem to have different tiers of impersonators for the same celebrity. Let me show you.

You can get tier 1 Jennifer Aniston.

Or you can get tier 4 Jennifer Garbage Can.

You can get tier 1 Gath Brookes.

Or you can get tier 4 assistant manager at Canadian Tire with a cowboy hat and a guitar Brookes.

Or how how about tier 1 Donald Trump?

Versus tier 2 Donald’s corpse found in a trunk.

There are so many Michael Jackson’s that I don’t even want to look. Tier 8 MJ is probably so bad that he's just the real Fred Durst wearing the Jacket and Glove.

Shamon for the nookie!

Who hires these celebrity impersonators? Does anyone really think that having some assclown that barley looks like someone famous is going to liven up their party?

Ok, maybe having the the 3 for 1 Caddyshack guys might.

But you know what? Maybe you could have some fun hiring celebrity impersonators. For instance you could hire a Tom Cruise lookalike and then take him to Remingtons.

Or better yet, use him to try and get into the Scientology building and find out what’s really going on in there.

I knew it!

Or throw a party and tell everyone that some celebrity is a close personal friend of yours and they’re going to be dropping by. You can even hire fake paparazzi to help sell it to your guests. It might be a good idea to hire two of the same impersonator and keep one hidden. That way if one of your guests smells a rat you can bring out the other one to call the first one a phony and then have them fight. Or fuck it, have them fight any way. Remember when Van Damme fought Van Damme in Double Impact. That was awesome!

This part was awesome too.

Or tell the impersonator beforehand that you want them to come as one of their characters. Then tell your guests you saw your celebrity friend Tom Hanks taking a bunch of pills earlier and now he won’t stop being Forest Gump.

Don’t forget to slip away before the cops and ambulance arrive.

You could try hiring the younger version of a celebrity and still swear they’re the real thing.

What do you mean that can’t be Harrison Ford? Hey Harrison! Show this chowder head the scar on your chin.

Or better yet, try to pass off a dead celebrity.

Well if Janis Joplin is dead then who did you just see walking away with 8 inches of party sub, huh asshole?

Or for the ultimate celebrity impersonator party experience, call up the agency about 2 months in advance and tell them to have one of their Elvis impersonators grow a beard. Then tell all your guests that Elvis is still alive and that he’s hiding out in your basement. Then make a big announcement. Something like:

Everyone thought the king died back in 1977. But as I’ve made privy to a few of you here tonight, I beg to differ. Elvis Priestly is alive and well and has been right here under our noses for the past 34 years, living in my basement. And now, just because it’s Jimmy’s bachelor party, the king, the one and only Elvis Priestly is going to come upstairs and perform for you just one last time!

Then have the impersonator come up stairs and sing Heartbreak Hotel while shaving off his beard with an electric razor. When they see that it really looks like him underneath. It will blow their fucking minds.

This is not a dream people Open your eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeesssssss!!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen. Johnny has left the building.