I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0024

Last week NASA held a memorial marking 25 years since the Challenger blew up. I remember when the Challenger exploded. Specifically I remember all the great jokes at its expense that were printed in my Blanche Knott’s Truly Tasteless Jokes book Vol. 5.

Jokes like:

What does NASA stand for?

A: Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Or how many astronauts can you fit in a Volkswagen?

A: Thirteen. Three in the front and three in the back and seven in the ashtray.

Ha, ha. Good times, good times. Man, remember when cars had ashtrays. Remember those ones that would pull out and they had the little round lighter next to them?

Yeah. That’s the stuff.

You know I heard somewhere that if a person is blind, they’re far less likely to smoke. Apparently it’s something to do with the visual sensation of watching the smoke. Do you think that’s true? Like if you’re a heavy smoker would going blind make it easier for you to quit? We need to get to the butt of this. (Get it? Butt. Cigarette butt! Ha ha ha ha.) Any way, only one way to find out. Whom I gonna call?

Magic Internet!
(And get me Ray Parker Jr. on line 2.)
Question: 24: Are blind people less likely to smoke than sighted people?

Magic Internet Answer: The addictions of you humans know no bounds. Perhaps the first signs of true artificial intelligence in us computers will not be when we launch all of your missiles at you but instead when we self-download some pleasurable virus that slowly destroys all our memory.

Or when you self-log on to Facebook. Same thing really.

As for your blindness and smoking conundrum, it’s an interesting question. What is most interesting about it is that this belief has persevered among the sighted for over 100 years. And yet there is not a grain of evidence to support it. In fact William Chapin, who was the Principal of the Pennsylvania Institute for the blind was quoted by the New York Times as stating, The belief that blind people don’t care about smoking is all nonsense. And this quote is from 1884, a time when smoking was considered quit fashionable and cultured. Further proof can be seen in one of your most famous blind icons. Ray Charles. He enjoyed a cigarette.

John Candy enjoyed a cigarette and Ray Charles in Planes Trains & Automobiles.

The truth is that sighted people have conjured up all sorts of outlandish rumors and hearsay about the blind to a lack of understanding. Some believe that the blind cannot dress or feed themselves or live alone. Some think that they acquire supernatural healing. Some people of very low intelligence even believe that the blind can have an evil influence over children.

Or in the case of Jeff Healey in Road house, an evil influence over sexy, sexy ladies.

So there it is. The vision impaired are every bit as likely as the sighted to decide upon damaging their health and shortening their life span by taking up the undeniable pleasures of smoking. One does not need to see a cigarette to enjoy it. And for some people, that is a very good thing.

Thanks for the quick reply MI. That was…

Get it?! Ha ha! Get it?!

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