I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0025

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. If you’re stuck for something to do, why not take your special lady friend on a suburban teen date? Whisk her away to one of those big food barns like East Side Mario’s, Jack Astor’s or Boston Pizza.

Let her mind drift back to a time when woeful appreciation of her was due to vast inexperience and geographical restraints. Here’s what you do: Put on your finest Eminem formal wear. I suggest a pair of baggy white jeans, an oversized v-neck sweater and a matching white baseball cap. (Make sure the cap’s full back, we’re talking formal wear here). Heavily douse yourself in Joop or Axe Choclate or whatever horrendous smelling shit teens are wearing these days. Borrow your dad’s car. Maybe a quick stop at the mall to pick her up something from La Senza. (They’ve usually got that table in the front with the 3 for 1 panties so you don’t have to wander around in there and get all squirmy.)

Even better. $20 just turned one special day into 10 great nights guys!

When you pick her up try to say something that is at the same time endearing yet offensive. Like, Fuck you look fucking hot! or something about her being tappable. If you need inspiration, Google sexy t-shirt slogans.

At the restaurant, be sure to slump in your chair and check your phone a lot. Oh and if fajitas are on the menu, order them. All that sizzling will get the whole room's attention and you’ll seem important. Ordering fajitas on a date in a fat barn restaurant is the teenage equivilant of snapping your fingers and having a man come out playing a violin.

File Photo: The Steakivarius

And what’s with that sizzle anyway? How come I can never get my fajitas to sizzle like that at home? Maybe it’s because my fajitas consist of only this:

Plus this:

You’ve got to make sure you get the cheese ones because the fajita kit doesn’t come with cheese. They don’t tell you that.

But I think there’s something more to it. I think the restaurants put something in their fajitas at the last minute to make them sizzle and smoke like that. Now I’ve got a few ideas of my own on what it is.

Delicous? Maybe. Correct? Hmmm, not sure. Screw this stupid suburban date idea. I’m asking the Magic Internet.

Question 25: Do restaurants put something in their fajitas to make them sizzle?

Magic Internet Answer: Fajita is an interesting word you know Johnny. In Spanish Faja means belt or girdle. Fajita is a diminutive word meaning little belt. This refers to skirt steak. The specific cut of meat that fajitas were originally made from. Skirt steak is a cut about 18 inches long and about 1 inch thick located just below the heart and lungs, skirting the diaphragm. Right about here.

Gross. Come on MI, less grizzly more sizzly!

Well there is no real singular ingredient that causes fajitas to sizzle. It is simply the end cooking process. Some restaurants however do employ subtle techniques to maximize sizzling before a plate of fajitas is served. One way is to heat a skillet separately and transfer the fajita filling to it just before cooking.

I’d go one more and have it brought out by the Christian Metal band Skillet. Perhaps after transferring it onto that blond guy’s shirt.

Yes, well, some restaurants have also been known to pour some of the fajita marinade or even soy sauce over the skillet just before serving.

Soy Sauce??!!
Chinese Fajitas today’s special at T.G.I. Friday’s Tokyo, where less than 30 pieces of flare brings great shame.

But perhaps the best way to increase the sizzle before serving fajitas is to squeeze fresh lime juice over the filling. Many Mexican dishes are finished in this matter and it is a healthier option than soy sauce.

Lime juice, huh? Whatever you say Magic Internet. Although I still think I’ve got something there with those Pop Rocks. Hey, remember that episode of Mr. Belvedere when Whesley called him a Slimey Limey? I hated that little shit.

Just look at his face! 

The theme song was good though.

Hey, do you think anyone actually joined the fan club and got the Fun Kit?

And if you’re still with me then you know what’s coming next.

Check Ya Later!

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