I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0028

When I was a kid candy bars were a BIG deal. When my dad would take me to the store to get me a candy bar, choosing one was probably the most important decision in my life. My favorite was Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.

But the problem with Reese’s was that you only got two in a package. Now a days you get three. But when I was a little kid people weren’t so fucking fat so getting three cups in a Reese’s was a special, limited time thing.

And look what the little salad dodgers get now! Four cups and they get to be in Iron Man!!

If the three cup special was on then it was an easy decision. I’d get the Reese’s. But with only two cups my feeble little mind was open to temptation from other bars. I could go for the sheer size of a Mr. Big or Sweet Marie.

Which one was bigger was always up for debate but it was safe to say that they were both huge.

Plus they both looked like turds which gave them very important sister-bothering potential.

Or perhaps I was feeling somewhat more sophisticated, in which case I’d go for one of the dad bars such as a Coffee Crisp or Snickers.

Look at me, I’m dad. I just can’t get going in the morning without my coffee.

Although the squared off edges of the Snickers bar somewhat ruins its potential as an edible turd substitute, it still gets a tip of the shitty brim for its role in developing the phrase Bum Snicker.

Much like the modern rap star I was also drawn to all things shiny. This was how bars such as Aero or Caramilk won me over.

Before I ate it I would slide the paper off and pretend I had an actual gold bar in my possession.

Looking at this still kind of excites me.

Plus once I ate the candy bar I could save the foil and wrap other things in it and pretend that they were gold.

But what’s with all the nougat? Nougat sucks. It’s just this sweet chewy filler that they stick in the middle of candy bars when they can’t think of anything better to put in there. It might as well be Chinese newspapers or old gym mats as far as I’m concerned. If I was Mr. Goodbar or the Earl of Cadbury or whoever the fuck owns these candy bar companies and one of my candy bar inventors came to me with a new bar with nougat in the middle of it… let’s just say your new title of Candy Bar Tester Kids Ball Pitt Pee Mopper is about as fun and creative as it sounds.

Unnnnnh. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I don’t even know what nougat is. I know what chocolate is, I know what fudge is, I know what peanut butter is. But what’s in nougat? No clue.

Question 28: What the hell is nougat?

Magic Internet Answer: The word nougat comes from the Romance language Occitan and it means nut bread. Traditional nougat is most commonly made from honey, egg whites and nuts. It can be soft and chewy or quite crunchy depending on the consistency. There are three basic types of nougat: white nougat (made from beaten egg whites and honey), brown nougat (made from egg whites but with a firmer crunchy taste) and Viennese nougat (made with chocolate and nuts). Nougat has been around for over 500 years and has often been a delicacy or a special treat to be had at Christmas time.

Yuck. Yet another example of why foreign candy blows hobos.

The nougat that is found in most modern candy bars in the US and UK however differs from traditional recipes. It is a mixture of sucrose and corn syrup aerated with a whipping agent such as egg white or hydrolyzed soya protein or gelatine. It may also have vegetable fats and milk powder added. Despite its questionable ingredients this modern nougat has become quite popular and is no longer just filler for candy bars, as you suggested. It is often the soul or main ingredient in the bars.

Ugh. That’s disgusting. Grape flavor? And Turbo?! He was the shittyist Gladiator.

Give me Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and Malibu any day.

Look, he’s the same colour as the Reese’s package even.

Wow, candy bars still stress me out.

No comments: