Sure Malcolm McLaren was kind of a dick but he was a punk icon and he went out in style. That got me thinking. I started wondering what other celebrity funerals are going to be like. But the only way to find out would be to travel forward in time somehow. Sounds like a job for my trusty time machine that I’m sure you’ll all recognize from a certain movie, wink, wink.
That’s right. I’ve got the time machine built by H. G. Wells that Jack the Ripper used to travel forward in time to 1979 San Francisco in the movie Time After Time (I got it off Craigslist).
So I’m off to go check out some future celebrity funerals. Smell you later. (Or earlier depending on what I set this thing to). Epileptics, stick your wallets in your mouths ‘cause things might get a little seizurey.
Well I’m back! Man the future sucks. No flying cars yet, the new Rolling Stones album blows and if you think Macaulay Culkin looks weird at age 30
wait until you see him at 60.
Publicity shot from his new future film Funeral Home Alone.
But enough of that weird creep. Let me tell you about some of the celebrity funerals I attended.
Anthony Frank Hawk: May 12th, 1968 - December 4th 2068
Tony Hawk always said that he’d never stop skateboarding and he was right. Tony died after attempting to 50/50 grind Danny Way’s stairlift while Danny was riding up it to use the bathroom.
Future File Photo: Moments before the accident.
The funeral was held in San Diego, California. After a touching eulogy read by Animal Chin
He’s immortal and will never die.
mourners were treated to the spectacle of Tony Hawk’s coffin launched down the giant X-Games ramp where it did a McTwist and an extra 900 before rail-sliding into the crematorium oven.
What an exit!
Donald Stewart Grapes Cherry: February 5th, 1934 – February 4th, 2014
Poor old Grapes died just shy of his 80th birthday. He was on his way to Sochi to commentate on the Canadian Olympic Hockey team for the 2014 Winter Games when he missed a connecting flight from France. Forced with the notion of having to spend an entire day among the French, Don decided to take his own life.
Future File Photo: The last thing Don Cherry saw.
Don Cherry’s funeral was held in his home town of Kingston, Ontario. After an open casket wake featuring Don dressed in a suit made from swatches of all his other hideous suits, the lid was closed on a custom made coffin on skates. A team of white bullterriers representing Don’s beloved dog Blue then pulled the coffin to its final resting place out in Lake Ontario whilst the theme to hockey night in Canada played.
Then they played Chris Sheppard’s Rock’em Sock’em Techno and everyone got drunk on Labatt 50. Smell you later Don.
Nicole Snooki Polizza: November 23rd, 1987 – September 2nd, 2011
Yeah about a year from now Snooki chokes on a… cough, cough… pickle and dies. The funeral was held in the alley behind the MTV studios in New York City. It turns out that she had no family and was an orphan owned by MTV. The other Jersey Shore cast members were supposed to attend her funeral but the guys wanted to go creeping at some shitty night club and the girls didn’t want to get left out so they went too. So as it turns out I was the only one at her funeral. The priest looked at me and I kind of shrugged and then he nodded his head and Carson Daley (he’s the MTV janitor now) stuffed her into one of those little white kitchen garbage bags and threw her in the dumpster at which point a disheveled looking Downtown Julie Brown popped her head up out of the dumpster and shrieked, Meat’s back on the menu tonight!
Future File Photo: The Circle of Life.
Yeah I just kind of threw that one in to cleanse the pallet.
Terry Gene Hulk Hogan, Hulkster, Hulkamaniac Bollea: August 11, 1953 – April 3rd, 2015
The world lost the Hulkster after he ironically strangled himself with his own 24 inch pythons while trying to rip a particularly beefy Haines Beefy Tee off his back before bed.
The funeral was attended by the Hogan family, including his estranged wife who is now dating the three year old playmate of Brooke Hogan’s illegitimate child.
Many of the former Super Stars of Wrestling were in attendance as well as a large portion of America’s mentally challenged. Pallbearers included Rowdy Roddy Piper, Brutis the Barber Beefcake, Ricky the Dragon Steamboat, the surviving Bushwhacker twin and of course Paul Bearer.
Macho Man Randy Savage
Who now looks like Macho Man Randy Santa.
uttered some unintelligible nonsense by way of a eulogy
and then suplexed the Hulkster’s star-spangled coffin into an open grave. Earth was then thrown over the coffin and the Earthquake splash-packed it down.
That’s all the celebrity funerals I attended. All that time traveling made me hungry and a can of Manwich pate is next to impossible to get in the future after the horrifying discoveries of October 12th.
If only they knew. Shudder.