When is the rest of the world going to learn that animals don't belong in their homes. They belong in space.

So I heard that Iran failed in their attempt to put a live monkey in space. This doesn’t surprise me one bit. For one, according to the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the country of Iran has no gay guys gay guys in it. Well everyone knows that gay guys are great organizers. They’d probably have that monkey up in space lickity split, alive and dressed to the nines.

You’re never going to compete with the wonders of the galaxy so it’s best to go with a classic tux. Blast off!

Ahmadinejad also said that Iran's nuclear power was discovered by a 13 year old girl in her own house using some old parts she got at the local bazaar

Libya’s Iran’s nuclear reactor.

Based on this informationI can probably guess what the Iranian Space Program’s bazaar grocery list looked like.

Get some of these:

And some of this:

And don’t forget this:

Where do you even get a monkey in Iran anyway? I thought they weren't allowed to have pets? They don’t eat bushmeat in Iran do they? Well if they do and I was a monkey, I think I’d rather have my eulogy read failed astronaught then reason for extra ketchup.

You know what kind of monkey they should send up there? A bathroom monkey.



He could clean up all that space junk that’s floating around up there before it comes back down and hits us on the head. Iran just better hope the monkey doesn’t crash land on that planet Fagatron that Andrew Dice Clay is always telling people to go back to.

Because if he does it ain’t going to end well for Iran.

You look fabulous throwing Mahmoud in those purple pants Dr. Homorius.

OHHHH!

Ayatollah no fish bowla!

I read an article today that said Iran is trying to ban pets.

Apparently Iran is banning all ads for pets, pet stores, pet products and anything else to do with pets. I’m assuming that includes things like the opening and closing treasure chest for fish tanks.

And Ferret denim.

And it’s all because of this guy.

Grand Ayatollah Nasser Makarem Shirazi. Kind of makes you think it’s time to resurrect an old favourite from the t-shirt drawer.

First of all, the guy is 86 years old! He’s just jealous of pet owners because he can’t even buy a hamster for fear that it will outlive him.

Yes, Funeral Home? I’d like to order one Ayatollah sized shoe box. Yes, Reebok will be fine.

The Ayatollah also thinks that dogs in particular should be banned because they’re unclean. Well if you’re going to ban dogs for being unclean then you better ban this guy too.

He practically lives in that suit and from what I hear he has B.O. so bad that it offends China. China! Now I’ve never been to China but as many of you will know I’ve been to China Town and let me tell you, if that’s a sample of what it smells like in China then Ahmadinejad must have to trick his shirts into the hamper with a trident and a net. In fact he probably needs that nuclear reactor just to wash his y-fronts.

Iranian File Photo: Spin Cycle.

Oh and Ayatollah. That thing Ahmadinejad said about Iran having no gay people. Yeah you might want to check up on that too.

Look, I’m with you on the banning haircuts thing.

I think we're all getting a little tired of seeing things like this:

And douche bags like this:

And the only time I’ll tolerate a mullet is when it’s atop Van Damme in Hard Target.


van damme owned snake
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I’m also happy to see that the approved Iranian haircut catalogue includes quaffs. That means that the Iranian people won’t be deprived of soul-strutting glory that is Wayne Cochran.



But no pets? Commmmeon Iran. Be cool.

A house full of pets is a house full of love.



And sure sometimes living with my dog Mutton is kind of like living with a homeless person.

Yo buddy, I lost my wallet and I'm trying to get enough money for a bus ticket back to Barrie...

But hey, at least I didn’t make her President.