I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0005

Oh wise and powerful internet. I kneel before you and lay at your feet (or wheels or wires or whatever the fuck you have) this offering of floppy disks.

I only ask that in return you bring forth the answer to this question that has troubled me for so long.

Question 5: Whatever happened to white dog poop?

I know this question and its subject has been the butt of many a retro joke by modern comics. Sarah Silverman wrote a song about it. Will Ferrell was forced to lick it in Step Brothers.

And I’m sure Dane Cook has got about two hours of material on it. And I think Good Luck Chuck might have been made out of it.

But all that aside, what DID happen to white dog poop? I remember seeing it all the time when I was a kid. It was weird and white and if you tried to get it on the end of a stick to chase someone with it, you couldn’t. It was hard and it would just crumble. Sometimes the guy across the street from my house would be mowing his lawn and he’d run over a piece and you’d hear this clanking noise and then it would fly out the side of the mower like a bullet, skid across the road and explode against the curb. It was the only thing funnier than watching him run over the electric mower cord. He should have got a Jacobsen.

Or a sheep.

But now it’s all gone. What happened to it? Was it only made by a certain breed that no longer exists? Did aliens discover that it’s an excellent alternative fuel source and come down and take it all? Maybe King Haggard (there’s a name you kind of have to grow into) moved on to destroying it after he finally killed the last Unicorn?

This movie was essentially 92 minutes of animated van art.

Appease me Magic Internet. Unleash your Red Bull to hunt down the elusive white dog poop. Or at least tell me the story of its demise.

Beep. Click. Clack. Booooop. (new wave album sound, eh) Zuuurp. Zip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Munch, munch. Mmmm, I love floppy disks. I haven’t had one in sooo long. I think this one had Choplifter on it. Thanks Johnny. Now, the answer to your question has two parts. The first part deals with the changes to ingredients in dog food and the changes to dogs’ diets over the years. 30 years ago many dog owners purchased real bones from the butcher for their dogs to eat or chew on.

But supermarkets eventually changed the way most people buy meat and pet food companies realized that most people thought real bones were gross. So they started making fake ones out of things like rawhide.

Oops, not that kind of rawhide. This kind:

File Photo: Mmmmm.

You see the subtraction of real bones in dogs’ diets and the decrease in bone meal in dog food means that today’s dogs are ingesting a lot less calcium then the dogs of the 70s and 80s. It’s this calcium that gave old dog logs their white colour and chalky consistency.

But wait, you say. It’s not white when it comes out the dog’s butt. How does it get that way? It takes time for white dog poop to become white. Essentially all of the organic matter in the poop needs to be consumed, leaving behind the calcium. Much like a body decomposes until there’s only a skeleton left behind.

I say chaps. I’m feeling like white dog shit today. I think perchance I might be dead.

And that brings us to the second part of your answer. Some dogs today may still be consuming diets rich in calcium but dog owners and city cleanup crews are much more diligent in the removal K-9 paydays and thus said turds are not left around long enough to turn white. Please allow Al Jaffee to elaborate.

So there is the snappy answer to your stupid question. Now if you’ll excuse me all this talk about dogs retro rump cigars has left me feeling a tad queasy. Uh oh, oh no!


Burp. Hmm, I feel much better. Oh and here’s a freebie that you might get a kick out of considering today’s question. You wondered earlier about the nature of my feet. Well today I’m wearing. Drum roll please…

Vintage white loafers! Rim shot!

Get it?

Why are you shaking your head?

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