I've got it all figured out.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Hot beef Inception.

I was in the grocery store on the weekend and two things caught my eye. The first was this.

File Photo: Bullshit.

Come on, unsalted chips? What the fuck is that. I had a girlfriend in high school that used to buy Miss Vickie’s Chips and lick all the salt off of each one without eating the chip. She thought that if she didn’t eat the chips she wouldn’t get fat. So she sat there licking all the salt off them and leaving them in a wet little stack. I always joked that I was going to get her one of those hamster slat licks from the pet store.

File Photo: Romantic

My point being that you can’t have potato chips without the salt. Potato chips are all about the salt. They’re essentially a vehicle for the salt. But not to worry, the potato chip aisle quickly redeemed its self with these bad boys.

Yes, that’s right. Hot dog flavored chips! This is the biggest innovation in snack foods that taste like other snack foods since the invention of cookie dough flavored ice cream. Many years ago some food science genius types discovered that many people across North America (most of them gross) were eating tube after tube of raw cookie dough.

Well now those mad snack professors have returned to their secret lab deep beneath the earth’s moron saturated crust and done it again. Hot dog flavored chips! How do you think they did it?

Alright now bring in Timmy Capello to play sexy saxophone for them.

I’d like to think that they either boil the potatoes in old hot dog water or they use that machine from the Fly.

Although we all know what could go wrong if they’re using that thing.

Yikes! To get that night mare out of our heads I’ve composed a little list of some of my favorite snack food abominations both past and present. Hope you’re hungry.

Olestra Chips

Before there were salt free chips there were fat free chips. The secret to fat free chips was a magical ingredient called olestra. No one knows how olestra worked or where it came from. (I think it’s made from the tears that aspiring models cry when the modeling agency tells them that 105lbs is too fat). One thing everyone did find out about olestra though was that is caused anal leakage. Everyone then decided that they’d rather be fat then walk around with liquid poo autographing their gussets and light potato chips disappeared.

Marshmallow Fluff.

I’m not sure if this product still exists but about twenty years ago someone decided that marshmallows were too tough to eat and that the world needed a softer (or pre-chewed) liquid version in a jar. When Fluff came out no one knew what to do with it so they had to tell us in the commercials. Get you barf bags out; it’s time to make Fluffernutters.

Sounds like a gay porn title.

Schmucker’s Goober

Dear Schmucker’s,

I am a gross fat slob that is too lazy to retrieve peanut butter and jelly from separate jars. Please combine them in one jar for my convenience.

Yours truly,

Hefty McPuke

P.S. If it’s not too much trouble could you please put cartoon characters of a grape and a peanut giving each other the sex eyes on the jar? I like the thought of them humping in my sandwich.

Squeez Bacon

As sickening as this is, are any of us surprised that it exists? The human race’s love affair with rendered hog flesh is an out of control lumbering juggernaut that pauses only briefly to pick its teeth with a matchbook cover. I mean first there was that Oscar Myer fully cooked bacon.

Like this shit has ever been anywhere near a salad.

Then there’s all the bacon flavored things:

Bacon Vodka

Bacon Popcorn

Bacon Ice Cream

I guess this tastes like when you burp after having a Baconator and Frosty from Wendys

There's even Baconnaise

Like anyone has ever purchased the Lite jar.

Yeah, see bacon really needs its own special food abomination section. There are so many gross things being done with bacon right now that it’s just too nauseating and exhausting to even try and think of them all. But hey, at least we’ve gotten the image of that mutated hotdog man out of our heads, right?

Ahhh, no! He’s back!!!

Good luck sleeping tonight folks. I’ve got a feeling that Frankfurter Krueger there is going to haunt your nightmares. I'm going to have Kobayashi sleep in a chair at the foot of my bed just to be safe.

Smell you later.

P.S. If you want see some other cool stuff both creepy and interesting check out Nathaniel Lewis' site. He created that hot dog man on a bun up there. Thanks for the nightmares Nathaniel. Keep on doing what you do.


Nathaniel K. Lewis said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nathaniel K. Lewis said...

Hey there, that pic of the man in the hot dog bun is on of my art pieces. I'm glad that he troubles you so, but I'd appreciate it if you could throw up a link to my site or at least put "by Nathaniel Lewis" Thanks. http://www.nathaniellewis.net/

Johnny said...

Done and done.

Anonymous said...

What is this?

OH right, horrible attempts at art.

You can go right ahead and delete my comment faggot

JohnnyCreepshow said...

What is that? Oh right, a horrible attempt at leaving a comment. If you're going to take the time (and I don't know why you bothered really) try to make some sense and have a point. And your name goes at the top of the comment. Not the end.