Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites

Good evening ladies and germs. Ha, ha, ha. Was that line ever actually funny? Do you think the punk band the Germs ever opened one of their shows with that line?

Someone threw away a perfectly good white girl.

Now that was a funny line!



Oh well, cutting edge 1940s comedy lines and Better Off Dead clips aside, I do have something on my mind today. Dog treats. Have you seen what’s going on with dog treats these days?

Wild Alaskin Salmon?!

Grilled Wild Boar?! (Not fried, no, on. Grilled)

Dog Ice Cream?!

My dog sleeps on the floor, shits on the sidewalk and hasn’t had a bath in at least 2 weeks. It’s essentially like living with a homeless person. Yet I’m supposed feed it the menu equivalent of Jamie Oliver teaming up with Ted Nugent and Ben & Jerry to open up a restaurant in Williamsburg?! It’s madness I tell you. But it’s not like we all didn’t see this coming. Dog food makers have been exploiting dog owners’ own selfish cravings for years. I think it began with the revelation that most dog owners are only slightly smarter than their pets and if you can create a dog food that the owner would kind of like to eat then chances are they will buy it for their pet.

Take Kibbles ‘N Bits for example.



It may be the first dog food to have its own distinctive look. And you know what? It’s just Bits & Bites for dogs.

The name’s pretty much the same and it even looks the same.

Even down to those little orange bullet shaped things that were everyone’s favorite.

Then Alpo came out with its Prime Cuts line of canned dog food.

In Gravy!

Hell even I kind of want to eat that. And look at the can in the background there. It might as well be Chunky Soup.

Fully loaded?!

I wonder how many drunken bachelors have come home and accidently heated up a can of Alpo. Or better yet fed a can of Chunky to their dog the next morning?

YES!

But then things changed. Stupid people started eating worse and worse food. There was no way that the next generation of dumb-people-insta -food could be sold based on its visual appeal. Have you ever seen inside a Michalina’s?

What did you expect from something called Wheels & Cheese?

So how do you sell crap like this to the public? Well you could go the route of the TV Dinner people and push quantity.

Now in your shirt size!

Or you could use those flavor buzz wards we all know so well. Words like cheese and bacon.

The food industry collectively said, Let it be so. And the dog food people, happy that they no longer had to make a can of liquefied horse balls look like prime rib, jumped for joy.

Dogs shouldn’t be eating bacon. People shouldn’t be eating bacon. If we really loved our dogs we would demand treats based on what the dog really likes. Not what we like. Now that’s a good idea.

Presenting: Creepshow’s Gooddognohumpbegginsnauseobites (With distinct flavors that are just for dogs. No humans allowed!)

Flavors like:

Other Dog’s Ass

It may be no bed or roses to you but what dog doesn’t love the heady aroma of another dogs ass? Well now they can enjoy it in the form of a treat. Slip a couple of these in your purse and you’ll have a good boy all day long. (Comes in both male and female flavors for insane homophobes.)

Or try:

Toilet Bowl

How many times have you told your dog to get away from that toilet bowl? Well now you can reward him for doing so with exactly what he wants. Toilet bowl flavored treats.

And roll over for:

Tramp’s Pant Leg

Like Marco Polo returning from the Orient laden with exotic spices your average tramp’s trousers are laden with revolting delicacies the likes have which can only be required by a true gentleman of the road. We’ve done our best to capture these savory treats in a biscuit form that we think your dog will love. (just don’t ask us how, you don’t want to know.)

The Bag the Chinese Food Came In

Pretty self-explanatory treat here. Your dog can enjoy it any time and you don’t have to worry about him ingesting that pesky receipt staple.

Sundried Racoon Guts

Mmm, that leash pullingly good taste of something that once ate garbage and is now long dead. What more could a dog ask for?

You see. Your dog’s true culinary desires range from mildly nauseating to truly revolting. And I suppose no one is going to want market that. Well at least these new modern foody options for dogs claim to be more healthy. If that means our dogs will live longer and happier lives, then I guess I’m for it.

And bonus: No more white dog poop.

Also I kind of like the idea of watching dogs eat ice cream

Smell ya later good dogs.

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0005

Oh wise and powerful internet. I kneel before you and lay at your feet (or wheels or wires or whatever the fuck you have) this offering of floppy disks.

I only ask that in return you bring forth the answer to this question that has troubled me for so long.

Question 5: Whatever happened to white dog poop?

I know this question and its subject has been the butt of many a retro joke by modern comics. Sarah Silverman wrote a song about it. Will Ferrell was forced to lick it in Step Brothers.



And I’m sure Dane Cook has got about two hours of material on it. And I think Good Luck Chuck might have been made out of it.

But all that aside, what DID happen to white dog poop? I remember seeing it all the time when I was a kid. It was weird and white and if you tried to get it on the end of a stick to chase someone with it, you couldn’t. It was hard and it would just crumble. Sometimes the guy across the street from my house would be mowing his lawn and he’d run over a piece and you’d hear this clanking noise and then it would fly out the side of the mower like a bullet, skid across the road and explode against the curb. It was the only thing funnier than watching him run over the electric mower cord. He should have got a Jacobsen.



Or a sheep.

But now it’s all gone. What happened to it? Was it only made by a certain breed that no longer exists? Did aliens discover that it’s an excellent alternative fuel source and come down and take it all? Maybe King Haggard (there’s a name you kind of have to grow into) moved on to destroying it after he finally killed the last Unicorn?

This movie was essentially 92 minutes of animated van art.

Appease me Magic Internet. Unleash your Red Bull to hunt down the elusive white dog poop. Or at least tell me the story of its demise.

Beep. Click. Clack. Booooop. (new wave album sound, eh) Zuuurp. Zip. Ding!

Magic Internet Answer: Munch, munch. Mmmm, I love floppy disks. I haven’t had one in sooo long. I think this one had Choplifter on it. Thanks Johnny. Now, the answer to your question has two parts. The first part deals with the changes to ingredients in dog food and the changes to dogs’ diets over the years. 30 years ago many dog owners purchased real bones from the butcher for their dogs to eat or chew on.

But supermarkets eventually changed the way most people buy meat and pet food companies realized that most people thought real bones were gross. So they started making fake ones out of things like rawhide.

Oops, not that kind of rawhide. This kind:

File Photo: Mmmmm.

You see the subtraction of real bones in dogs’ diets and the decrease in bone meal in dog food means that today’s dogs are ingesting a lot less calcium then the dogs of the 70s and 80s. It’s this calcium that gave old dog logs their white colour and chalky consistency.

But wait, you say. It’s not white when it comes out the dog’s butt. How does it get that way? It takes time for white dog poop to become white. Essentially all of the organic matter in the poop needs to be consumed, leaving behind the calcium. Much like a body decomposes until there’s only a skeleton left behind.

I say chaps. I’m feeling like white dog shit today. I think perchance I might be dead.

And that brings us to the second part of your answer. Some dogs today may still be consuming diets rich in calcium but dog owners and city cleanup crews are much more diligent in the removal K-9 paydays and thus said turds are not left around long enough to turn white. Please allow Al Jaffee to elaborate.

So there is the snappy answer to your stupid question. Now if you’ll excuse me all this talk about dogs retro rump cigars has left me feeling a tad queasy. Uh oh, oh no!

RAAAAALLLLLLPPPHHHH!

Burp. Hmm, I feel much better. Oh and here’s a freebie that you might get a kick out of considering today’s question. You wondered earlier about the nature of my feet. Well today I’m wearing. Drum roll please…

Vintage white loafers! Rim shot!

Get it?

Why are you shaking your head?