I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Take me to your (art) dealer.

I read an article today about aliens.

Specifically, what aliens would find interesting about humans if they came to Earth. Basically it points out that if an alien race could reach us they would be much more advanced than us and therefore they wouldn’t be too interested in our achievements in math and science. They’d be like those little shithead future kids in Back to the Future II that make fun of Marty for playing Wild Gunman

So aliens would be more interested in our artistic side. Ha, not if they landed their UFO around here. Some of the artistic experts quoted in the article suggest introducing aliens to music by Bach, Vivaldi, and other Baroque composers and Pre-Raphaelite paintings as an example of our visual art.

That’s all well and good but I can’t help but think that if aliens want a true sense of the most wondrous capabilities of the human mind that they may need to be shown some of man’s artistic creations that don’t quite jive with the squares if you catch my drift. So Mr. Alien, give me your creepy little hand or float behind me or if you’re like Starman assume the form of a dead loved one and let’s go look at some real art.

Let’s start with music. Music is amazing because it can evoke feelings with mere sounds. But do aliens even have music? Wait of course they do. There’s GWAR and Alien Ant Farm to prove that, Duh. So you aliens probably don’t like classical music at all. You’re probably more into music that’s heavy and or awful. In that case I have one word for you, Jackyl.

This evokes feelings of stop and why and turn it off with mere sounds.

Ha ha ha… he’s playing a chainsaw. Boy, if you thought you were superior to humans before, I can’t imagine what you think now. But that’s nothing. Let’s move on to visual art.

Our galleries are full of great paintings and sculptures but any artist will tell you that visual art can be seen all around us and in everyday life. Most notably on people’s arms, legs and sadly even faces. Yes, Mr. Alien I’m talking about tattoos. Not only are they artistically appealing but they also convey a message to us about the person that wears them. Let me show you some examples:

Here the artist is trying to convey that the recipient is drunk and that the artist is an asshole.

Here the artist lets us know that the recipient isn’t drunk and thinks she’s better than everyone because of it.

And finally this one tells us that the recipient really, really like you guys… and weed.

But visual art doesn’t need to be static. There are moving pictures that are moving pictures, get it? No, don’t reach for your probe it was just a play on words! I’m talking about film. People here on Earth like to talk about movies like Citizen Kane and the God Father being cinematic masterpieces to seem smart. But when they go home, just like you and me, they French’s mustard up some Triscuits and throw in a movie like Zapped starring Scott Baio. It’s a movie about a kid who acquires telekinetic powers and uses them to help him and his friends get laid or something. Here’s a clip that reminded me of you.

Also it had a wicked poster.

You’re right Mr. Alien, that is Willie Aames who Played Buddy in Charles in Charge. Fuck you aliens ARE smart.

There’s one more thing I’d like to show you, the art of videogames. Some people think that today’s videogames are a new artistic medium.

The Louvre in two years time.

Others like Roger Ebert  disagree. But then again Roger Ebert liked Dropped Dead Fred so what does he know?

I don’t know about video games being art but they certainly evoke some of the same creativity that artists do, both in the game developers and in the players. For example look what my old friend Limmy likes to do with Grand Theft Auto IV.

Another good example is The Sims. It’s a life simulation game. You could argue that the sheer number of people that play The Sims, with its mundane game play that mimics everyday life, gives the game as much social commentary as any contemporary art piece. This is even more apparent when our smartest human beings (the Japanese) use the style of The Sims to make fun of our dumbest human beings (the cast of Jersey Shore).

Yeah… coughs… ummm… well thanks for coming Mr. Alien here take a t-shirt to remember your trip.

Don’t forget to tell everyone on your planet what you learned. I’m sure you’ll be back to blow us up real soon.

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