I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Help take a bite out of crime (easy on the Tabasco).

The city of Toronto has been drenched by a scatological crime wave!

Hi kids, McGruff the Crime Dog here. Johnny Creepshow has asked me to give all you Torontonian readers a special warning to be on the look out for these shitty thieves.

They’re wanted for a series of ATM customer robberies in which one thief squirts feces on the victim while the others rob him or her while attempting to help clean the victims clothing. (Wouldn’t it be easier just to rob them?) Johnny Creepshow thinks they may have come up with the idea while watching CKY’s infamous Shit Dollar prank staring Bam Margera from Jackass. Possibly while high. (Both the thieves and Bam.)

Now me being a dog I don’t quite understand what the problem is. I roll in feces all the time. In fact it’s like Joop to me. Hell, before I started taking bites out of crime I was known to even take a bite or two out of my own turds. Until my owner started putting Tabasco sauce on them. That shit is hot. (No pun intended.) But my colleague Police Constable Tony Vella seems to think that being covered in feces causes humans to go into emotional shock. I don’t know about emotional shock but try going for a pack of raw hot dogs with one of these babies on and you’ll feel a shock alright.

Johnny Creepshow says the Jackass guys know all about that too.

The suspects are described as Hispanic and may be in the possession of squeeze bottles or containers of liquid feces. However I’m unclear wither it’s human feces or dog feces. If it’s dog feces then the suspects are endless. Every day when I go for my walk I see countless individuals picking up dog logs and securing them in small plastic bags. Are they using them as distraction tools? Who knows?

Someone that would subject a dog to this is capable of anything.

If the feces is human then the suspects are just as numerous. Because it’s a well know fact that everyone poops.

Thankfully not everyone poops for the purpose of crime or my job would be a lot harder.

Something else we need to consider is the fact that the feces was liquid. That means one of two things. Either they’re watering down regular feces (Seriously, wouldn’t it be easier just to rob them?) or they’re using diarrhea.

Once again the K9 or human differentiation becomes a major factor. If the diarrhea is human then a DNA sample coupled with surveillance of Taco Bells near the crime scenes could result in quick arrests.

Exhbit A: Volcano Taco

But dog diarrhea is much more difficult for your average thief to get a hold of. No one knows where or when it will appear. I mean I could be standing here, giving you nice citizens a public service announcement while drinking this delicious glass of chicken fat I found cooling on Constable Tony Vella’s desk and… uh oh Awoooooooooooooooo!

Awww, it’s all over my trench coat. I’m gonna have to go get it dry cleaned. I don’t look like a crime fighter without it. Plus it hides my lipstick. Gotta go kids but remember, be vigilant and help take a bite of crime!

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