Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 35

Good news everyone! The LFL is bringing a team to Toronto! For those of you that don’t follow professional sports, the LFL is short for the Lingerie Football League. That’s right, women in lingerie playing tackle football.

You may wonder how this came about. Well I’m going to turn the floor over to someone that best reflects your average LFL fan to give you his views on the evolution of women’s sports.

File Photo: Average LFL fan

First there was mud wrestling.

This evolved in Jell-O/Pudding wrestling.

Like mud wrestling but hey I can eat that!

Then came Foxy Boxing.

This started the trend of technical ability in women’s sport (beyond the bikini top pull down).

Then Beach Volleyball.

Less physical contact but hey there’s more of them and they’re bending over a lot.


But I like physical contact. Like football!!

Except they bend over a lot.

And I don’t like that. It makes me feel funny. Solution?

Tada!

Seriously, who is going to watch LFL? Who is going to sit in a stadium with a bunch of horny men and watch women in lingerie attempt to play full contact football? How creepy would that be? They’ll probably have to employ wank police.

Just put him in the cell with the others and if they start up again turn the hose on them.

And do you think they have cheerleaders? What would they be like?

And if you think that’s bad, wait till some of the fans start wearing replica kits.

Go team!

The only plus side I can see to all this is that some of those creepy strip club devotees might get out in the sun for a day. I wonder if strip clubs feel threatened by the LFL? If they do I’m sure I’ll read all about it on the Filmore’s sign.

Filmore’s is a Toronto gentleman’s club on the edge of bum town. The Filmore’s sign has been a constant source of enjoyment for me over the years. Some of my favorite sign slogans include:

Naked chick and hockey sticks. Go leaf go!


Ten ounce steak and a face dance $10.99.


Schools out. The teachers aren’t working but the students are. At Filmore’s.

Currently I believe it says something about Charlie Sheen. Inviting him in to see some real goddess or something. How does it keep up with current events? Oh, oh, oh! The other week it had something up about some visiting porn start but under that it said FIlmore’s – Home of the original bunga bunga room. What the fuck is a bunga bunga room?! At first I thought maybe it was like that dark room with the trap door in it that Porky tricks all the teens into in Porky’s

But I’m pretty sure there’s no water under Filmore’s. So what the heck is it.

Question No. 35: What is a bunga bunga room?



Magic Internet Answer: The term bunga bunga does have real meaning in some languages. In the Filipino it is slang for something fashionable and in Indonesian it means flower.

Plaid sports coat + lacrosse mask + pompadore = Filipino bunga bunga

However bunga bunga takes on a much more complicated meaning in modern western popular culture. Its origins can be traced back to one Horce De Vere Cole, a British poet and prankster who masterminded the Dreadnaught prank back in 1910. This involved Cole tricking the British Admiralty into believing he was the Prince of Abyssinia and giving Cole and his friends including Virginia Wolf a tour of the HMS Dreadnought.

Dreadnought is also slang for a large unflushable turd.

Fascinating Johnny . In order for Cole and his friends to pull off the hoax they had to dress up as Abyssinian royalty. The Captain of the ship fell for their rather racist attire and gave them a tour. Whenever he pointed out some extraordinary feature the group would shout, bunga bunga. The photograph shown below and an account of the hoax were sent to the Daily Mail and thus bunga bunga entertained into English popular culture.

File Photo: Bunga Bungers

But it took nearly 100 years for the phrase bunga bunga to become popular again. Last year Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi used the phrase to describe sex parties that he had attended with prostitutes. There are several theories as to why Berlusconi called them bunga bunga parties but the most believable one is that it stems from a favorite joke that the Prime Minister liked to tell at parties. Here is a reasonable facsimile of that joke:

Berlusconi and one of his rivals have been captured by an African tribe. They are given one of two choices. Death or bunga bunga. Berlusconi’s rival chooses bunga bunga, believing anything to be better than death. Upon choosing bunga bunga he is immediately set upon by the entire tribe and literally fornicated to death. When it comes Berlusconi’s turn to choose he chooses death, attempting to save himself from the same fate as his rival. Upon hearing the selection a large smile crosses the tribal chief’s face and he yells out, Death it is. Death by bunga bunga.

It is an old joke and we can see how the phrase bunga bunga would enter into it. Bunga bunga when used by Horce De Vere Cole was ment to be a humorous childish form of Africanism. And in the joke it is used in the same way. Perhaps Berlusconi chose to share the word with the public to down play his scandal but regardless of his intentions it became a house hold word in Italy.



Now it has become synonymous with sex parties and orgies. In the world of strip clubs it often refers to a room where many strippers will compete for a V.I.P.’s attention, the winning stripper then engaging in prostitution. This Filmore’s gentleman’s club that you have referred too may have a room where such events take place but it is doubtful that their room is the oldest. If their topical signage is anything to go by it is most likely that they are merely trying to profit from the use of the popular bunga bunga phrase.

Wow! Who knew that Filmore’s sign used such rich historical language? Basically what you’re saying is that Filmore’s is now quoting Virginia Wolfe.

10 Ounce Steak & a Face Dance – The new uncovered novel by Virginia Wolfe

I shall read it cover to cover.

Though Dost Command the Ghost of Porky's

Hello folks, Bob Clark’s ghost here.

You probably remember me from when I was alive and I directed the greatest Canadian film of all time… Porky’s.

Yes, it is the movie with the guy with the big wang called Meat and yes it’s the movie with the shower scene where Beulah Ballbricker grabs the other guy’s wang. But enough about my cinematic masterpiece Johnny Creepshow has channeled me from the great beyond because he has an important message he wants me to give you about Our Canadian national anthem.

I know most of you outside of Canada think that it’s this.



But actually it’s this.



Now it seems that the federal government is talking about changing the lyrics. They want to change the line In all thy sons command to… are you ready for it Though dost in us command. Is that even English? I’ll tell you one thing it is. Bull plus shit! This is the dumbest thing I’ve heard since the idea to put O. J.’s murder suit in the Smithsonian! It’s a worse idea then Porky’s III: Porky’s Revenge.

See the Conservatives here think that the line In all thy sons command is sexist. They think that the new lyric Though dost in us command will be more gender neutral. I’ll tell you what’s gender neutral… anyone that sings this new lyric. Seriously you’re just smooth down there. Like a Ken doll.

You.

Who really wants these lyrics changed? I’ll tell you who. A bunch of unsatisfied old feminists and guys that hyphenate their last name when they get married (see Ken doll above). But seeing as we Canadian’s are a democratic bunch we’ll ask the opinions of some other prominent Canadians to see what they have to say on the matter.

Jim Lahey what do you think?

Jim: Just a couple of drinks Bob… just a couple of drinks.

Bob’s Ghost: No Jim. What do you think about changing O Canada?

Jim: What kind of a shit hawk would want to do that? They can go eat a shit sandwich!

Bob’s Ghost: Thanks Jim. Well said.

Bob & Doug Mackenzie. What do you think?

Doug: Take off, eh. If you don’t like our national anthem you can like move, eh. Yea, move to Russia.

Bob: Yeah, there’s no sexism there because it’s too cold, eh.

Doug: Yeah it’s colder there then it is here. And like there’s no sexism because no one can tell if you’re like a guy or a girl, right. Cause you’re all bundled up, eh.

Bob: Hey, did you see that guy’s toque?

Bob’s Ghost: Thanks guys. Interesting theory. Let’s see if we can find someone that’s not drunk. Hey! Jim! Jim Carrey, you’re Canadian what do you think?

Jim Carrey: Smokein!

Bob’s Ghost: No, Jim what do you think about changing O Canada?

Jim Carrey: Smokein!

Bob’s Ghost: No, Jim. Do you think O Canada is sexist?

Jim Carrey: Somebody stop me!

Bob’s Ghost: You know what Jim, never mind. We’ll put you down as undecided.

There you have it. The majority rules. Canadians don’t want their national anthem changed. Christ aren’t we polite enough already? If you don’t like O Canada and think it’s sexist then go fuck yourself. Now I must return to the warm embrace of the crypt. Since you’ve been so good and listened attentively while I conveyed Johnny Creepshow’s important message here’s the scene from Poky’s where Meat pulls the hooker prank on Pee Wee.



Enjoy Humans Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.