I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

RIP Casey Johnson 1979-2010

Tila Tequila’s fiancée is dead. I had no idea Tila was even getting married. Doesn’t that kind of ruin her whole image (whore)? I’m assuming the fiancée died from an extreme case of cooties. The reason for this is that I also assume that anyone that goes near Tila Tequila’s privates ends up like this:

Well it was either that or drugs that killed her.

Now I’ve never heard of Casey Johnson (that’s the dead one). I stopped keeping up on Hollywood’s socialite scene back in the 1940s when the Black Dahlia didn’t respond to my letter asking her what her favorite colour was. But here’s what I’ve learned about her in the past few minutes:

- She is one of the great granddaughters of Robert Wood Johnson 1, co-founder of Johnson & Johnson. They make this:

That’s the stuff they sprinkle on the dance floor at Northern Soul nights and it’s also what a lot of cab drivers smell like.

- Her father is Robert Wood Johnson 4. He owns the NY Jets. They’re the backing band For that guy Benny that Elton John is so obsessed with.

- She recently walked out of a rehab clinic early (see new it, drugs).

- She was the one that proposed to Tila Tequila (see new it, drugs).

- On November 30, 2009, Johnson was arrested for allegedly stealing jewelry, shoes, 600 pages of a legal document, clothing, and underwear from Jasmine Lennard. Johnson allegedly left a used vibrator and wet towel as a calling card. (Ewww, gross. Oh and also see new it, drugs). Kind of like the wet bandits from Home Alone.

- She said that her biggest regret was turning down “The Simple Life”.

- Her dad had to pay 20,000 to replace a hotel rug that her dog shit on.

- In 2007 she adopted a kid from Kazakhstan (Borat) and named her Ava-Monroe after her hero Marilyn Monroe (A ditzy bad actress that gives guys who own classic cars boners).

- TheFrisky.com has a bio of Casey Johnson where they say this, “Casey has led a very privileged life that doesn’t seem to include much more than spending money, engaging in girl fights and partying. “

The saddest part of all is that she seems to have been someone who had hopes of being an icon or at least making the headlines. In life she made them for all the wrong reasons and in death she’s barely mentioned. Nearly every headline I’ve read today says something along the lines of “Tila Tequila’s Fiancee Found Dead”. That’s no way for anyone to be remembered.

I’ll admit that from everything I’ve read I probably would have disliked Casey Johnson immensely but she was someone’s child and I guess in a way someone’s mother. Maybe Ava-Monroe will grow up to cure cancer (or kill Paris Hilton). So for you Casey here’s Elton John singing Candle in the wind live in Tokyo from 1988. RIP

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good riddence Johnson & Johnson