I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Office Survivor.

There was a very bad earthquake in Hattie yesterday. This is a terrible thing for sure but it got me wondering. How would I survive in my office if I was trapped in here during a disaster?

Example of Disaster:

Let’s say I was trapped in my office with no power and no way to leave the building. What are my options? In order to survive I need to THINK like a survivor.

Yes! Like Les Stroud, Survivorman . For those of you who haven’t heard of Les Stroud he has a show where he goes off into the wilderness and simulates an accident or lost situation then survives for days. He films the whole thing himself too. He is a bad ass. If Les Stroud were on the show Survivor he would pull up to tribal council in a wild boar shit powered bamboo limo with a monkey butler driver while all the other contestants complained about how dirty their hair is and how much they want chocolate.

Now what would Les say? Let’s see. First, don’t panic. I need to keep a level head to survive in my office. Don’t freak out!

There’s No Time! There’s Never Any Time!!

There are three basic elements man needs for survival:

1) Shelter.

I’ve got that covered. I’m trapped in my office for Christ’s sake.

2) Food.

The body needs food. I read somewhere that when you are out hiking you should eat the things you like least first. That way the next thing you eat is always better. That being said I have just done a perusal of the office mini-fridge and I have discovered the following edibles:

1 Jaffa Cake

My boss brought these back from the UK. There is only one left. I can’t figure out why as they are disgusting. This will be eaten first.

1 Apple

It’s not a good apple. It’s one of those really small mealy looking apples. Who knows how long it’s been in there? It probably has that gross fridge taste and the texture of oatmeal.

1 Small Salad

I hope there’s a frog in there as it will provide much needed protein.

1 Orange

Not that kind, the fruit kind. Um, I mean the edible kind. Maybe it’s a cumquat. Never mind.

1 Sandwich

I don’t know who’s it is or what’s on it but I guess it doesn’t matter in a life or death situation. Just as long as it’s not canned salmon. I hate that shit.

1 Container of Blueberries

I love blueberries. (Did you know they’re not really blue inside?!) These are perfect for surviving. I can ration them out a few at a time as I need them. Plus I can use the bad ones to maybe lure rodents into the office that I will also eat.

Mmm. Mickey Mouse meat.

1 Container of Ziggy’s Macaroni & Cheese salad

This disaster thing better not happen after lunch because if it does the Ziggy’s will be looooong gone. Fuck it I’m eating it first regardless, just because I love it so much.

That should be enough to sustain me for some time. This brings me to the third and most important thing I need for office survival.

3) Water.

Despite what you might think our office does not have a water cooler.

You lied to me sitcoms!

Time to recon the mini-fridge again. Jackpot! We’ve got:

1 Container of Half & Half Cream.

I can either drink this or rub it on my face (I want my complexion to be smooth and kissable for when I’m rescued).

3 Bottles of Alexander Keith’s Beer. (This is Canada all offices have beer. In fact we’re running low!)

The guy in this commercial was arrested for child pornography… but the beer is still good (and strictly for adults).

4 Cans of Diet Pepsi

I hate this shit too but maybe I can mix it with some hand sanitizer when the beer runs out. Or I can pour some by the front door and maybe Michael Jackson (oops, forgot) I mean Michael J. Fox will smell it and come save me.

½ a Water Bottle Full of Yellow liquid.

Yeeeah. I’m just going to leave that.

So that’s about it. There’s also a container of coffee but with out water and power, that’s not much use. I suppose I could eat it to get energized. I also think I could cut off and eat my hair. (There’s got to be nutrients in there somewhere.)


Maybe not.

What I should do is purchase the Office Survival Kit and keep it under my desk.

Can you believe it comes with a toilet? If I’m trapped in my office I think the last thing I’m going to be worried about is, “where’s a good place to take shit?”

Now that I’m surviving it’s time to think about getting out of here (there’s law firm next door with like a 500 lb fat guy working there. He’s a lawyer so I’m guessing he’s smarter then me and would have no qualms eating me if he’s also trapped and can get to me). Yep, I’ve got to get out of here. If I had the Emergency Evacuchute I could just jump out of the window but

A) I don’t have it and

B) I’m only on the fourth floor.

Oh and C) The Evacuchute is retarded.

Still the window is helpful. I think I will break the window and then pile a bunch of stuff near it and set it on fire. That way the fire department will see the smoke and come rescue me. I could also take a roll of banner paper that we have here and write a message on it to hang out the window. I was thinking “Heterosexual White Male Trapped Inside” (in case the cops are around). No wait. Change that to “Hot Female Intern Trapped Inside. I’ve Burned My Clothes For Warmth & Now I’m Really Bored… IF You Know What I Mean”

That should get me rescued in no time. Although now I’m going to have to find something to make me look like a woman.

Surviving the rescue is going to be a whole other ordeal.

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