Today’s topic suggested by “Anonymous“ was chosen by default as it was the only topic suggested (Gee guys, nice effort). So without further ado…
What can I say about hipsters that hasn’t already been complained by just about everybody? Well first off I should address the Toronto hipsters of Queen St W. These people aren’t even real hipsters. I’ve been to Williamsburg and I’ve seen the genuine articles. It’s kind of like seeing an animal in the wild versus an animal at the zoo. They seem more comfortable and more confident in their own New York environment. The real New York hipsters have a sassy drag queen quality to Toronto’s forced to dress like a woman by my cellmate look.
Is that making any sense? Maybe I’m being too abstract. Maybe I should try another approach. Let’s say that NY Hipsters are hippies. Not a far stretch really (Self-righteous? Check. Freeloading? Check. High all the time? That’s a check). The one thing the NY Hipsters have going for them is that they’re the genuine article. They were at Woodstock, if you catch my drift. That makes the Toronto hipsters just Deadheads or even worse Phisheads! And that’s just sad.
But where did hipsters come from? They’re a fairly new phenomenon as far as pop culture goes. I’m no expert but I do have a theory. I believe that hipsters evolved out of Vice Magazine.
Now I know that Vice has been on a steady decline ever since they moved to New York but in its hey day Vice was like a bible for the young and cool. Their Dos section told girls that if they wanted to give guys “instant boners” all they had to do was pair slim jeans with heels. Meanwhile they were telling guys to drop the metro-sexual tan and faux-hawk, get some tats, grow a beard and pick up a Pabst. There was one article in particular that was a breakdown of what the ultimate Do guy and girl were like. It essentially described (one evolution) of the hipster to a tee. I wish I could find that article online to post it but I do remember that Vice made dolls based on it that they sold in their store.
One can argue that Vice didn’t create hipsters so much as just reported on what they saw on the streets. Even if they didn’t it can’t be denied that Vice had a hand at selling hipsterdom to the masses. That appears to be their final gift to the world before they faded away into unimportance. And maybe Vice had good intentions. I mean girls in tight jeans and heels do look good. Some guys look good with a beard. Pabst Blue ribbon isn’t that bad for a cheap beer. I’m more of a Lucky Lager guy myself but that might have less to do with it being a good beer and more to do with that scene with Brad Pitt in Kalifornia.
By the way have you seen Brad Pitt’s beard lately?
It’s like he’s trying to make himself ugly. Like some kind of experiment.
A lot of people begin things with good intentions. Dr. Oppenheimer, Dr. Frankenstein, and Tom Arnold’s dad are just a few that come to mind. And like these men of science, Vice were forced to watch their creation grow into a twisted monster.
The jeans became skinnier and more garish.
Pssst. Did you know guys wear these?!
The tattoos became more plentiful and meaningless
And the facial hair… have seen what’s going on with that?!
But worst of all is the scarves. Those FUCKING scarves!
It’s all enough to make you want to clean the chunks of Tom Arnold off your pitch fork and round up the townsfolk.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Ok. We'll try this one more time. Leave your topic ideas for next week's Case of the Mondays in the comments section below. Capiche?