I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I Saw a Blind Guy at the Zoo.

For the past few years I’ve made it a Birthday tradition to take the day off and visit the zoo.

This past year was no exception. What was exceptional though is that I saw a blind guy there!

Now I don’t wish to poke fun at the blind (no that is not a cane joke) or belittle their plight. It would suck to be blind. I love looking at things. But the zoo? Come on. There must be better ways for a blind guy to spend his time.

Some might say, Well maybe he wasn’t blind. Maybe he was just visually impaired. I understand that there are different degrees of blindness but this guy had a cane. It seems to me that if you’ve got a cane then you can’t see much. Hell some of the animals are hard enough to see with 20:20 vision. They hide in their huts and sleep all day. What are they teenagers? (I dedicate that joke to everbody's mom.) I think the zoo should have to refund me 10 cents for every one of the little fuckers that stays in its hidey-hole or lays in the corner with its back to me. I’m talking to YOU Capybara!

Sorry. I got carried away there. What I’m trying to say is that the zoo is a visual experience. I mean fine. If you keep your ears open and are lucky, you might hear a lion roar or a chimp masturbate but that’s about it. It’s not a petting zoo. You’d have to be Stevie Wonder or that guy with the harelip from Red Dragon to get that kind of treatment.

The only other thing I can think of for a blind person to do at the zoo is smell the animals. Some of them really do smell. The hippo for one. Just look at how he marks his territory.

They say that when you’re blind, you’re other senses become heightened. I don’t know why anyone would want to heighten the aroma of that.

The gorillas smell too. It’s kind of like a really intense BO. You know you’re getting near the gorilla enclosure when it starts to smell like a movie theatre that’s just shown all three Matrix.

This guy x 200 x 9 hours =

Maybe the zoo has a special itinerary that they hand out to blind people so they can get the most out of the zoo smelling experience.


10:00 AM – Start your day with a hearty whiff of the Warthog wallow.
11:30 AM – Meet the Vulture keeper during feeding time. As he tosses dead guinea pigs to our two adult White Headed Vultures, prepare your nostrils for a burst or aroma when the birds strong beaks lacerate their bloated carrion. If your lucky you may also catch the heady stench of the vulture’s reeking, corrosive vomit . No applause please as the birds often use this same vomit as a defensive projectile when threatened.

1:00 PM – Our endangered White Elephants will be shitting from 1:00 PM until about 1:20PM. Come bare pungent witness to these majestic creatures.
2:00 PM – High tea with the Olive Baboon. The Olive Baboon gets its name from its coat which is a greenish-grey from distance. The bare patch of the baboon's rump, famously seen in cartoons and movies, is a good deal smaller in the Olive Baboon but it still fucking stinks. Enjoy.

3:15 PM – Meet the Maribou Stork. This bird often nicknamed “the Undertaker” do to it’s appearance can often be found in Africa’s human habitations (near dead things and dumpsters). The bird's steady diet of rotted carcasses, garbage and even feces makes it a nostral stinging delight.

4:00 PM – The River Hippo. No trip to the Metro Toronto Zoo is complete with out an up-close and personal experience with our very own river hippo Garry. Dawn an MTZ rain poncho (available in the gift shop) and fight your way to the front. As Garry launches shit at you with his powerful swinging tail, close your eyes and let your nose take you to the banks of Africa’s life giving rivers. (note: you WILL get splattered).

Now THAT'S an experience and a great way for the blind guy to relax and forget about his day job.

Aaaahahahahahaha. (I dedicate that  joke to everbody’s dad.)

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go watch that hippo shit again.


eerriinn said...

You forgot to include lunch at Harvey's (its a hearing / smelling / eating experience) ... complete with squawking seagulls eating fries and pooping everywhere.


Johnny said...

If you don't like Harveys there's always Mr Sub where you can get an assorted sub that smells like Frank Stallone.

Anonymous said...

What happened to your old birthday tradition of 'drinking your age?' May I suggest combining the two?

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