I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Johnny’s Dictionary of Hate.

There are 228,132 words in the Oxford English Dictonary. 171,476 of these are words that are currently in use. 47,156 of these are words considered obsolete (I’m assuming these are words like wisenheimer, cassette-single and using the word “tight” to refer to getting drunk). A further 9,500 words are derivative words included as subentries. That’s a lot of words. Right Cameo?

Surely we don’t need all of them. People these days don’t use words anyway. They use slang and jargon and sexting. With that in mind I have a list of words that I just can’t stand and I would gladely see them eradicated from the English language. These words, both spoken and read, cut into me like a dentists drill. These are the words I hate:

Boo verb Used by cranky, backwards, middle-aged women in place of the word look.

When I was in grade 10 I had to do a co-op placement. I was really into art back then and I wanted to have a placement with an artist. I came very close to getting a placement with a guy that air-brushed vans but he took too long to call back (Why doesn’t that surprise me?)

So in desperation they placed me with a grade 7 & 8 art teacher. Instead of air-brushing naked barbarian chicks riding wolves onto the sides of chevys for the next 6 weeks I was sentenced to cleaning out her back room and babysitting these moronic brats. She loved the word boo and used it at least 10 times a day. To this day I hate that word. Oh and she drove a Chrystler Le Baron.

Fuck, come on.

Kitty-Corner adjective Used by folksy people in place of the two perfectly good words diagonally and across.

Kitty-corner. Say it to yourself. It sounds stupid. You sound stupid when you say it. What are you a baby? The only time I might accept this word is when its spoken by an 80 year old country person in response to a question about where to find the general store

This guy can say kitty-corner. Not you!

Riffing verb Uttered by hipsters and people that still read Vice Magazine when talking about what an awesome time they had joking and talking with someone.

Once used to describe the free flowing talent of early jazz musicians riffing is a word that many people now use in order to make a night of getting drunk and/or stoned with their friends cooler and more intellectual.

Oh, we had the best time last night! We smoked some chemo purple lights that my friend snuck back from Amsterdam, and stayed up all night snorting riddlin and riffing on bad late-night tv.

Yea, that sounds great Oscar Peterson. Count me out. Riffing is a word probably used by this guy:

When he talks about hanging out with this guy:

Wow, look at that. Pictures DO speak louder then words. Nothing more needs to be said (or riffed).

Craft noun A word pretentious people use to describe their job.

Craft to me will always mean that thing kids do with scissors, construction paper and glue. If you google craft the first images that come up all look pretty much like this:

Yep, that’s a craft. No where do I see pictures of bad improv actors, coffee baristas, interpretive dancers or gay guys that dress store mannequins. Hell, Jonathan Switcher was the best mannequin dresser in the business and I don’t think I ever heard him use the word craft once.

So call it your job or call it your passion. Just don’t call it your craft. If you really feel the need to use the word craft for something other then little kid busy work then stick a K on it and tell me it’s what you’re having for dinner.

Those are just a small sample of the words I hate. I’m sure there are more and maybe I will write a follow-up in the future. Oh, and I’d like to give a special mention to almost every word uttered by people that are into rap music.

Feel free to tell me what words you hate.


Johnny's Sister said...

Hey Johnny!

I was just taking a boo at your blog while sitting kitty-corner on my chair and I love seeing you riffing about words you hate! Oh, but I've got to run. You know I dedicate my weekends to working my craft of writing rap songs.

Word up!

Johnny said...

I hate you Georgie!

You're gross!

Johnny's Sister said...

Nice. Well played, sir. Well played.