I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Ask the Magic Internet a Stupid Question No. 0044.

So I see that the FDA just unveiled new graphic warning labels for cigarette packs in the USA. We’ve had those in Canada for quite a while now. Let’s have a look at some of the designs the U.S. MAD-ministration of Food and Drugs Men came up with.

She’s blowing smoke right in the baby’s face! Who does that? She’s either incredibly ignorant or knowingly blowing smoke in her child’s face as a form of abuse. That means she’ll probably kill that baby through ignorance, neglect or a plain old shaking long before it dies from second hand smoke. They should slap this picture of the kid’s dad on the other side of the pack.

That raccoon’s got my smoke! Get it back for daddy.

We have a teeth one here too but it only warns about mouth disease.

The US seems to have one uped us with that gross lip sore though. Oh yeah? Well we beat you at hockey.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Now that’s not even a warning. That’s more like good advice. And with his shirt open like that he’s kind of like Superman. Maybe they’re trying to say if you quit smoking you’ll feel invincible like Superman. But he doesn’t really look happy about it, does he? He looks pissed off like he’s going to punch me. He looks more like that mean drunk Superman from Superman 2. I wonder how many shots it takes for Superman to get wasted. I wonder how many smokes he could smoke!

Probably like this many!

This one is pretty effective. Those trach. holes are pretty creepy. And it’s even worse when you see someone smoking out of one. It always reminds me of Juno the social worker from Beetlejuice.

And you know what the worst is? All the public servants in the afterlife in Beetlejuice were suicide victims. So does that mean she slit her own throat?! That’s pretty hardcore. They should put her on the pack with a message that says, All you smokers are committing suicide just like me, only slower. And then you’re going to have to deal with a bunch of no-nothing shitheads everyday in the afterlife equivalent of the passport office.

Or just put picture of Beetlejuice on the pack.

That creepy little fucker would scare anyone away.

I don’t know. That starched white shirt and loosened silk tie are a warning sign also. This man could just as easily be a product of the rat race. All those rare steak power lunches, coffee fueled Johnson report all-nighters and heart rate throttling the CEOs are in town lap dance grinds can take their toll on a man.

See these business guys don’t appear to be smoking AND they work out.

Don’t get me wrong it’s a good warning but maybe they should add something about the counter-productivity of smoking to the package for business men. All that time spent outside smoking when you could be working.
There you go, that’ll do. Just don’t give out butts with that picture on it to guys in prison. Cigarettes in jail are the same as money. (And so are prison guys butts.)

What is that, a cartoon baby? Who cares about a cartoon baby? What, you could blow smoke in a real toddlers face for the first one but for a baby you have to use a cartoon? And it’s not even a good cartoon. What is that thing on its arm, an iPod? You should have at least got a better cartoonist like John Pound. He’s the guy that drew Garbage Pail kids. He could have drawn a baby way grosser than that.


Ewww gross! Wait, which ones am I supposed to be grossed out by? This reminds me of that great stand up routine Norm McDonald used to do about smoking.

The pair of lungs on the right look camouflaged. Maybe hunters should smoke so if they’re ever attacked by a bear and it rips open their chest, they can still hide.

Roooaaaar wait, wait a minute what? There was a guy here and I was eating his chest and now he’s gone?! There’s just a pile of leaves. A pile of bloody, heaving shaking, screaming leaves. Oh well I’m off to the dump.

I don’t know. It seems like they’re spending an awful lot of money trying to reinforce something that every idiot should know by now. And isn’t smoking on the decline in the west? You can hardly smoke anywhere in North America. I’m pretty sure that’s why sexy Johnny Depp moved to France.

Which is funny because didn’t America invent smoking? Or wasn’t it at least discovered there and then passed on to the Europeans? Oh Magic Internet. I am sending you heap big smoke signals.

Question 44: Is America responsible for smoking?

Hmm, this is an interesting question and one of your least stupid yet. The answer is yes with an underlying no. You see smoking can be traced all the way back to sometime between 5000-3000 BC. Early South American civilizations would burn incense during rituals, a practice that was later adapted for pleasure.

Well that sure stood the test of time.

Although Columbus reported seeing American Indians smoking tobacco in the 1400s and was even given dried leaves as a gift, it was reported that he threw them away and tobacco was not properly introduced to Europe and Asia until the 16th century where it followed common trade routes.

Way to go Columbus. Another reason while you’ll never be as cool as Andrew Dice Clay.

Why don’t you go discover planet Fagatron, Ohhh!

Yes, yes, Johnny. Enough of that buffoon known as the Dice Man. Early American settler John Rolfe was credited as the first person to successfully raise tobacco as a cash crop. This became a boon for early American settlers with much of their harvest being shipped to the old world. But it was Jean Nicot who first introduced it to Europe through France and it is from his name that the word nicotine derives from. So you see although smoking may have originated in the Americas and appears to be first discovered there it was in fact a Frenchman who was to cause it’s spread throughout Europe.

Always blame the French, huh?

Oh well. Thanks for the info. Magic Internet. I think we all had fun today. Oh and Chris, sorry for saying that Andrew Dice Clay is cooler than you. I think you could definitely give him a run for his money now.

Check ya later folks. Don’t smoke em if you got em.

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