I've got it all figured out.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

God Save the Corgis.

The Queen is coming to Toronto.

Not the Queen with the dead gay guy. The Queen of England Queen.

This one.

Not this one.

Now I know what you're thinking... Who gives a shit? I didn't give a shit either until someone pointed out that she's probably coming here to beg for money. You see the Queen currently gets 7.9 million pounds from the UK government but that amount has been the same for the past 20 years. Getting 7.9 million pounds to live off of in 2010 would be just fine if the Queen lived in a cardboard box and ate her own boogers (Fergie) but this is the Queen of England we're talking about. She has castles and servants and gold coaches pulled by corgis. She can't survive on 7.9 million pounds (for you Americans that aren't familiar with the British pound, 7.9 million is less then 16 Survivor wins).

File photo: America's Treasurer

The Queen went and asked Mummy and Daddy Britain for money and they said NO. Now she's coming to ask crazy Uncle Colony Canada and I hope we take a big swig of Molson and burp NO right in her face.

The Queen needs to figure out how to make ends meet. The Brits were always going on about how tough they had it during the war. How they had to rub gravy on their legs for stockings and eat animal guts (they'd still be doing both of those things if tanning beds didn't come along). So lets look at what's costing the Queen all this money and what she can do to rectify it.

Repairing her castles.

File photo: Queen's current residence.

The Queen has lots of castles and many of them need repairs. I'm assuming she kicks holes in them after watching England play in the world cup (because they suck). I think what she should do is repair them with Lego. It's all the rage right now.

It's got to be cheaper than antique stone. In fact she could probably get it for free as a good will gesture from Denmark. And it already comes in castle!

Plus Lego lasts forever. My parents still have Lego that I played with when I was a kid. She just needs to make sure that Prince Philip doesn't chew the antennas like my cousin did.

I say, I seem to have ruined another antenna do to this blasted oral fixation of mine. Oh bother!

Quail Eggs

I'm assuming that this is all the Queen eats. quail eggs are waaayyy more expensive then regular eggs.

How many people have even seen a quail never mind see it lay an egg?

Plus, quail eggs are so small that you have to eat 10 times as many. The solution? Stop eating them. They're disgusting anyway.

Instead eat hotdogs. They're way cheaper and they're more delicious.

Replacing Dead Corgis

The Queen loves Corgis. She has hundreds of them. But the Queen is also a busy woman. She has to sit in a room all day and people come in and meet her (old people complain that no one comes to visit them and they wish their life was like the Queen's. That's why they love her so much.) The only time she's allowed out is to stand on her balcony and wave or sit in the back seat of a Rolls Royce and wave while she's being transported to a different castle.

As a result her Corgis are neglected and die. But if she saw how much all these replacement Corgi's were costing her, surely she'd make the effort to take better care of the Corgis she already has. My suggestion? Feed them. You can feed them with one hand while you wave with the other.
Hotdogs are a delicious one-handed food that I'm sure Corgis would love.

Keeping the fact that you killed Lady Di a secret.

Somewhere in the rugged northern part of England there's an army base that is the Uk's Roswell. But instead of alien corpses and bent out of shape anal probes the UK's Roswell contains all the evidence that proves that the Monarchy killed Princess Diana. (for more on this speak to London's cab drivers and more outspoken homosexuals.) I'm sure that the Queen is spending thousands of pounds to employ a crack team of Royal Marines/MI5 to keep all this under wraps. And I don't even know how much those Men In Black Ipod Nanos that erase al their brains every day cost.
If it was cheap the DVD would come with one just so you might watch it again.

There's a simple solution to this. Burn it down. Keeping al this evidence of Di's assassination is the equivalent of some of some pervy school teacher keeping all the text messages of her laisons with her hairless lotharios. Trust me it happensl.

A pack of matches costs 5 cents at Beckers last time I checked (1986).

Just don't send Matt Pepper in to get them. We sent him in there to buy smokes in grade seven and he came out with ladies wine tipped port cigarillos. Send him in there for matches and he'd probably come out with two gummy big feet or one of those rolled up horoscopes.

Thanks Matt... close but no cigarillo.

I just think it's hilarious that a woman that once represented a monarchy that was so powerful that it could basically cut the head off of anyone that looked at them funny is now reduced to begging. She's basically a cross between this.

And this.

Maybe she should call up the only British icon that's more useless then her... Johnny Rotton. He still seems to find ways to make money.

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