I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

The stars have aligned. The date is 90210.

A day like today comes along only once a century.

And even though I can drink you under the table while kicking your ass and bench pressing your girlfriend as she holds my coat, I do admit I’ve watched my fair share of Beverly Hills 90210 over the years. I wanted to do a little reminiscing about my favorite episodes but as you regular readers might remember I came close to madness trying to find a clip of the episode where Steve Sanders gets addicted to weed in college and cries at the foot of his bed. So instead I’d like to celebrate this special day by taking a look back at some of the main characters. Happy 90210 day!

Brandon Walsh

Brandon was such a goody two shoes dipshit. I mean what kind of high school kid has a car named after Walter Mondale? Playing that character is probably what drove Jason Priestly to drink. And look at him now, he looks like a crazy hobo!

Favorite Brandon Episodes: Well that’s hard to say because he was in practically every episode. I guess the one where he gets wasted and crashes his car. Or the one where he finishes school and him and Steve decide to start their own newspaper. It’s just the two of them sitting in a big empty office space with Brandon going, I’ll be in charge of news and Steve going, I’ll be in charge of sports. It was like watching a couple of 5 year olds play newspaper. And as usual I can find no trace of it online so heres a montage of Brandon trying to look sexy with all the girls he humped.

Brenda Walsh

Brenda was one big walking talking Jheeps factory. She was always doing something stupid and just generally being uncomfortably lame. The best thing about her was all the stories about Shannen Doherty being a colossal bitch on the set and her infamous wonky eye.

I don’t care enough to look up what she’s doing now but if they decide to remake Goonies she could play Sloth.

And here’s an added little fact. Brandon Walsh was the name of the older brother in Goonies, Tada!

Favorite Episodes: Like I said, I couldn’t stand Brenda, so none. Maybe the ones where Dylan was really mean to her. If you want to talk about her Jheepyist episodes, that’s easy. All the ones where she was in France and pretended to be a French girl while smoking and wearing a beret. Or this:

Dylan McKay

Dylan was awesome. He lived on his own, he surfed he brooded, he drank and took drugs, he called Brandon Minnesota and when they show him in the intro the electric guitar kicks in so you know he’s a bad ass. Hey remember when Luke Perry quit 90210 to pursue a film a carrier and all he got was that bit part in Buffy the Vampire Slayer where he hung a hot dog out of his pants? That was also Paul Rubens first movie after he got caught hanging his hot dog out of his pants in a porno theatre.

Good times.

Favorite Episodes: Any of the ones where Dylan waves his gun around.

Kelly Taylor

Kelly started off as a bitch and a slut and then it turned out she wasn’t really a slut and not as bitchy but she was still a bitch sometimes. And she looked like a beaver. That’s about all I have to say about her.

Favorite Episodes: I liked the ones where she used to fight with Valerie Malone.

Oh and Kelly actually was a huge slut.

Donna Martin

Donna was weird looking and dumb. I think the show wrote her character that way because Tori Spelling was weird looking and dumb but daddy said she had to be on the show. I guess she did have that sweet best friend quality in her character. She was basically a younger version of Rose from The Golden Girls.

Favorite Episodes: Any of the ones where a horned up David Silver tries to get Donna to have sex with him but she keeps saying no because she wants to stay a virgin until she’s married. Oh and all the one’s where Ray Pruit beat her up.

Steve Sanders

Yes! Now we’re talking. This albino mulleted cretin was by far my favorite character on the show. He was always saying or doing something stupid. And it was even funnier when he was serious and cried. Steve Sanders rocked. And if you don’t believe me check out his locker sticker for proof.

Favorite Episodes: Well of course there’s the addicted to weed episode. Also any episode where he reminds Kelly that they had sex and she gets that disgusted look on her face. Any episode where he gets drunk and or cries and of course the episode where he has to wear a dress.

David Silver.

Fuck he was so lame. With that slicked-back mushroom cut and those giant multi-coloured R&B suits he used to wear. David Silver could give you the Jheeps just by walking into a room.

Favorite Episodes: Those ones where he got addicted to drugs and started getting all moody and wearing a beret and any episode where he rapped and danced.

Andrea Zuckerman

I used to call her Andrea Yuckerman.

Favorite Episodes: Any ones she wasn’t in.


Nat was a nice enough guy but he had no personality. He was on the show forever but you never really got to see him do anything other than work at the Peach Pit. Why couldn’t Nat have gotten drunk or taken drugs or something? All he ever did was have a heart attack. And what the fuck was with the Peach Pit After Dark? Nat suddenly realized he had a big empty warehouse going spare behind his dinner in Beverly Hills? What a bunch of Bullshit!

Favorite Episodes: I don’t know. The one where he flips a burger? Or how about the one where he gives one of the kids a free slice of pie? Who cares?! And the worst thing is he’s even on the new 90210 doing the exact same thing.

Well I hope you’ve enjoyed reminiscing about that bunch of losers with me.


Anonymous said...

OH my god..!I used to love B.H.90210...I think I ll spend my Friday night watching Beverly and eating pizza...I think I deserve to spend a night doing nothing and hanging out only with myself!

Johnny said...

That's what Luke Perry now does every night. Every. Single. Night.