I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

LIve from New York... it's Shitty Night Lame!!!!!!!!!

Why is Saturday Night Live still on my TV?

Look to your left. Now look to your right. Two of the people you just looked at aren’t funny.

Let’s face it. Saturday Night Live sucks. It’s been sucking for a long time and it’s only getting worse. Remember this guy?

Yeah, SNL now has like 7 of him. It’s like an unfunny cancer crossed with a train wreck crossed with… I don’t know... this:

There was a time when it was just the last half hour of SNL that was a garbage dump. You’d turn it off when the musical act came on for the second time. Unless it was someone good.

Then it was the last 45 minutes that sucked ( half the show) and you’d turn it off after Weekend Update. (Even though Weekend Update has sucked since they fired Norm Macdonald.)

Now, I dare you to try and get through the opening sketch. The only reason you sit through it is you’re hoping that the previous SNL cast member they have hosting this week might have a funny monologue. (I’m surprised they haven’t dug up Phil Hartman and thrown his corpse on stage).

And the opening sketch is supposed to be the best they’ve got!!! I won’t even show you a clip of an opening sketch because what would be the point? But just so you do get the point here’s a picture of one.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… fuck. Goodnight.

A lot of people say that Lorne Michaels is to blame. They say that he gets final word on what sketches air and that he’s out of touch with what’s funny these days.

Maybe but he also produced Kids In The Hall and they’re still funny.

Plus look at what some of the SNL alumni went on to create once they were free of Lorne’s restraints.

Corky Romano anyone?

From not one but two of the producers of the Waterboy… it must be good.

Or how about Deuce Bigalow Male Gigolo?

The whole premise of this movie is that Rob Schneider is too ugly for anyone to want to have sex with him. Is this a documentary? 

No... the rot goes deeper then Lorne Michaels. Although I suppose you could blame him if he’s responsible for hiring the writers and the cast members. People said the cast wasn’t as funny as it used to be when Adam Sandler, Chris Rock and Chris Farley were on the show! I bet those same people would cut their junk off and kick it under the fridge to have those guys back now (Farley might be tough to persuade).

Look at today’s SNL cast members.

Fred Armison

What an unfunny four eyed sack of shit this guy is. Oh and Fred… the Rock does a better Obama impersonation then you. That’s right the Rock. The wrestler. The Rock, Fred.

Verdict: Not Funny.

Abbey Elliot

I don’t even know who this person is. Apparently she’s Chris Elliot’s daughter so I guess she could be funny. Maybe that’s why she’s never on the show. Chris was an SNL cast member once too and you never saw him either.

Verdict: Go tell your dad to make more episodes of Get A Life.

Will Forte

I don’t know who this guy is either and apparently he’s been on the show for 8 seasons! He looks like a Sears underwear model.

The Fortes... three generations.

Verdict: Not Funny.

Bill Hader

Even though Bill makes me uncomfortable if I look at him for too long he is actually funny. Except when he’s on Saturday Night Live. Superbad was a funny movie. And he was hilarious in the opening of Pineapple Express.

But SNL is a strange scientific formula that makes everything suck. A perfect suck if you will.

Verdict: Quit SNL and go see what Seth Rogan is up to.

Darrell Hammond

The only reason he’s still on the show is so he can play all those old Washington guys in SNL’s political sketches. And those sketches suck. He was funny when he played Sean Connery in those Celebrity Jeopardy sketches but Will Farrell isn’t on the show to play Alex Trebek so that’s not going to happen anymore.

Verdict: No longer funny.

Seth Myers

This is the guy that does the news.

Verdict: Not funny.

Bobby Moynihan

I’m not sure why SNL hired this pants load. Maybe they’re grooming him to be their next funny fat guy. Well he’s not funny enough or fat enough. Try giving him McGriddles dipped in heroin because right now he’s comedy antidote.

Nasim Pedrad

More like Notinanyseens Pedrad. Apparently she’s Iranian and she used to be on Gilmore girls. Wow, she sounds hilarious.

Verdict: Missing in Action.

Andy Samberg

Yes, I know he wrote Dick in a Box but all that did was pump a bellows full of air into the lungs of the bloated dead carcass that is SNL. And think of all the poor girls out there that have now been subjected to their boyfriends actually giving them a dick in a box.

Yes this is for sale.

Plus he gives off a distinctive jackass vibe.

Verdict: Kind of funny… begrudgingly

Jenny Slate

She’s only been on SNL for a year and honestly I can’t tell her apart from the rest of those zeros.

Verdict: Not Funny

Jason Sudeikis

He looks like he might be useful if SNL ever needed someone to play Jim in a sketch about The Office (an actual funny show). He also was an SNL writer before he became a cast member. So make sure to knee him in the balls twice when you see him.

Clip supplied by actual funny movie.

Verdict: Not Funny.

Kenan Thompson

Some people don’t like Kenan but I actually think he’s pretty funny. I loved that commercial he did for Fuquay Satin’s Urban Champagne. (I’d show it to you if fucking Hulu worked in Canada!) Still, as SNL’s token black guy Kenan has some big shoes to fill. Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan were all funnier than him. Hell, even Tim Meadows would give Kenana a run for his money.

Maybe Kenan could get better if he had a little competition. There are thousands of good black comedians that are funnier than the majority of SNL’s current cast. Maybe SNL could have two black comedians on the show. Just a thought.

Verdict: Funny… for now.

Kristin Wiig

I saved the worst for last. This woman is so unfunny she sends me into a rage! The fact that her Gilly character seems to be the most popular on the show is the embodiment of how low Saturday Night Live has sunk. She’s the female Chris Kattan. I haven’t seen so many of the same bad one dimensional characters since Scarlet Johansson played herself in everything she’s ever been in. And why does she always have that stupid look on her face?

Verdict: The Opposite of Funny… and fix your face!

Wow. That was draining. Now I know how James Ellroy felt after he wrote My Dark Places. Look, I could go on and on about how much SNL sucks a cement donkey dong bit let me leave you with this... an open letter to Dave Chapelle, Zach Galifianakis, David Cross, Bob Odenkirk, Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim and every other actually funny comedian out there...

Dear Funny People,

Please create a late night Saturday show. Be Tommy Kirk and blow Old SNLer's brain out. It doesn't even have to be live. You don' t even have to be on it. Just pick some young comedians to do it and sign off on their sketches. Help us funny comedians... you're our only hope.

End transmission.

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