I've got it all figured out.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The 100th Post (20% New Material)

Welcome to the 100th Post Party! Woo hoo! Hurray for me! Hurray for TheCreepShow! Hurray for hotdogs and puking and midgets and shitheads and hookers and Cheese Jerky and Fundies. The list goes on and on.

There’s champale and some 2 liter diet caffeine free Dr. Pepper bottles filled with homemade Coors Light chilling in the fridge and upstairs there’s a bathtub full of crank. Just don’t bug the waiter when he’s on his break.

Get yourself sorted and come meet some of my guests.

Hey Dynamic Dudes!

Nice matching Ball Bras, bros. I haven’t seen you guys since Skaters are the new homosexuals. What have you been up to?

Dude 1: Hey Johnny dude. We quit skating and joined the Japanese Highway Patrol.

Dude2: Yeah, we’re motorcycle cops now.

Well… that’s… that’s super. Good for you guys. Oh, did someone say house party! It’s Kid from Kid N Play.

Hey Kid, what happened to your giant flat top?

Kid: It got burned off in 1993 while I was filming a Pepsi Clear commercial.

Kid: Yeah. Now I sell suits. Discount suits.

Hmm. Bummer! Now what’s that irritating yet sexy sound emanating from the back patio? Why it’s Timmy Capello, the muscley weird sax guy from the beginning of the Lost Boys. How are you Tim?

Timmy Capello: Raaaawwwwwrrr. I brought you a present!
Oh yeah? What’s that?

Timmy Capello: Raaawwwrr. It’s over there on the lawn.
Cool, thanks Tim. I like that thing you do where you make a muscle while you point. Enjoy the party. Let’s see what Tim got me.

An old suitcase, Tim you shouldn’t have. (Really.)


Holy shit, it’s Weng Weng! Awww were you pretending to be a dead midget in a suitcase for me Weng Weng?
Weng Weng: Nods vigorously.
Well you shouldn’t have. And look at this you brought me a cake too. Sweet.

 Thanks Weng Weng Enjoy the pool.

Weng Weng: Shakes his head vigorously.
Oh, sorry. Weng Weng’s gotta jet.

I better take this cake inside before it melts and ends up looking like Craig Mack. Let’s clear some room on the coffee table.

Hey look. It’s the Geek!

The Geek: Wheeeeeeeeeelp
Ha ha. You still got it Geek. Let me know if you need to borrow my underpants later. Speaking of clearing the table is that the sexual mule from Bachelor Party I spy? Go easy buddy. You remember what happened last time.

I want to die and come back as this movie.

Let’s see. We’ve got the ghosts of Captain Lou Albano, Casey Johnson and Andrew Boner Stabone Koenig over on the balcony. We can’t mention dying without a tip of the hat to you guys. I wish you could see them. They’re all wearing bathrobes and glowing like the end of Return of The Jedi.

Hey Lou, I don’t remember Alec Guinness sporting that many rubber bands in his beard and Andrew, quit stuffing fish sticks in your cape. Hang on I’m being handed a letter here.

From the hood of the funny car belonging to the Honorable Lord Humongous President of Australia:

Hello Johnny mate,

So sorry I couldn’t make your party. I bet it was a right rock about. (Get it?) I’m afraid I’m too busy pissing out fires here in Australia thanks to our biggest export turning out to be a right dungo.

He could learn a lot from Paul Hogan. Anyway, instead I’ve sent my second in command (that bloke that got drunk last week and tried to ride my third in command, Fatso) to offer you a liter of gas on behalf of Australia.

Best wishes and slip something on the Bar-B for me mate,

Lord Humongous
Prime Minister of Australia
Well Humongous. I just don’t know what to say. I know how important gasoline is to you and your people. Without it you can’t tool around the wastelands in your funny cars trying to kill that racist misogynistic prick. I’m moved to tears. Thank you.

In fact I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all (standing up on the coffee table, watch out Geek). Jason Hervy, thanks for being a butthead and a scrot. Blind Guy I saw at the zoo, thanks for filling me with wonder. Robocop… we’ll always have directive 4. Roxxxy the talking sex doll, you taught me the true value of real relationships. Bob Clark’s ghost, when you walked the earth as Bob Clark the living you made Porkys… and I’ll never forget you or stop thanking you for that. Farting Garry, thanks for doing the balloons. Gowan, we’ll see who the strange animal is after a couple of brewskis buddy! Fonzi, you may have jumped the shark but you’ll never stop jumping my heart. Rick Astley and Tiger Woods, feel free to take Roxxxy upstairs. Sperminator, god you give me the Jheeps. Joey Greco, you give me the double Jheeps. I want to thank all my posts. You’ve both amused me and enriched my life.

And a special thanks to all my readers, lurkers, fans, creeps, peepers and David Mcalls. It’s a great feeling knowing I’m not the only one getting a laugh out of this and it keeps me ranting, Googling and bashing the keyboard like a retarded ape to produce the useless crap that is TheCreepShow. Have a plate of spaghetti dogs on me.

Smell ya later dingi,

Johnny CreepShow

1 comment:

scotch and salad said...

congratulations you magnificent lunatic. my present to you is a recipe for hobo sangria: 1/2 mad dog 1/2 sprite. goes well with totinos pizza rolls.