I've got it all figured out.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!


Here's your treat.

More on Halloween ghouly night later.

I wanted to write more on Halloween but I was too busy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I hate to say it but I didn’t dress up this year. I wanted to go as the A-Team with me as Hannibal and Mutton as B.A. Baracus, but I didn’t really get into the Halloween spirit until later in the week and by then there was no time. Next year I vow to dress up and go all out. Anyway I’ve been racking my brain to try and remember every costume I’ve worn over the years going all the way back to when I was little. If you want to skip this I understand. It’s pretty long and pretty self-serving.
Without further ado, here’s what I was for Halloween every year since 1978.

Angel (age2)

My mother says that my first costume was an Angel. Kind of weird to dress a little boy up as an Angel but oh well, I had no choice in the matter. Over the years if this costume was mentioned to anyone over the age of 40 they would respond with, “I bet that was the first and last time YOU were ever considered an Angel . Ho-ha -ha”.

Clown (age 3)

My sister and I were both clowns one year. Surprisingly there’s nothing really funny to say about that.

Ghost (age 4)

In Kindergarten I was a ghost. The costume was bought at a toy store and consisted of a white plastic tarp with a picture of a ghost and the word “ghost” written on it and a white and grey mask with wavy, smoky lines on it. The mask only covered my eyes because there was a big push in the early 80s for kids to wear masks that offered better visibility. That campaign failed. This was a stupid costume because it would have been far easier, cheaper and more authentic for me to just wear a sheet but I picked it so I guess I was stupid when I was 4. If you want more proof I also had trouble spelling “brown” back then.

Darth Vader (age 5)

If you were old enough to know who Darth Vader was in 1981 and you didn’t want to be him then there was something wrong with you. I remember my mom made the chest controls out of things from around the house glued to a piece of cardboard.

Dracula (age 6)

Pretty standard. All I remember is that I loved wearing the teeth and I wore them so much that they started to smell and I had a cool medallion

Ewok (age 7)

Return of the Jedi came out that year and ruled my world with an iron fist. My friend Spencer’s mother was big into sewing him elaborate costumes and his Ewok costume was amazing. My mom could only sew the head so I paired it with an old Indian costume my sister had.This made me one skinny, weird-looking, slightly offensive Ewok.

Headless Horseman (age 8)

Another one of my childhood obsessions. I think this was made from the old remnants of my Dracula costume. I also had one of those orange plastic pumpkins to keep my candy in that doubled as my head.

Ninja (age9)

My parents went to San Francisco that year and bought me this amazing authentic Ninja gui. I loved that thing. My cousin loved it to. When ever he came to visit he’d put it on and wear it all weekend. I think he peed in it once.
Regular Army Guy (age 10)
I was big into playing army when I was young and had a huge collection of army surplus stuff. To this day I still can’t resist looking in army surplus stores.

Alien (age 11)

I had my face painted green and this really cool space gun from Consumers Distributing that had all these different sounds. I wore this black and silver tunic thing that I found at the Appleby United Church rummage sale too. I dressed up to go to cub scouts at the church and the woman who once owned the tunic was their and shouted “That’s my dress!” Yeah… that was kind of weird and embarrassing.

Dead Army Guy (age 12)

The natural progression. I found this great rubber zombie mask that had a rubber army helmet attached to it. Topped it off with a lot of fake blood.

The Joker (age 13)

I was big into Batman that year. I had a purple suit and a purple berry. I looked like an idiot.

Hillbilly (age 14)

This was the last year I went out for Halloween. My friend Spencer and I both dressed up as creepy Hillbillies. The costume consisted of jeans, a flannel, one of my mom’s dirty old curly haired wigs, a mesh-backed hat, hillbilly teeth and a monkey wrench.

Creepy Clown (age 15)

Spencer and I were too old to go trick or treating but we still wanted to do something so we dressed as creepy clowns and went out pranking people. I bought a child’s size costume so it was really tight and grosse looking and I used my hillbilly teeth from last year. All I can remember about Spencer is that he had a pokka dot top hat on. We went around smashing pumpkins, popping balloons full of shaving cream in people’s faces, throwing shaving cream pies and lighting fire-crackers. We were kind of assholes.

Resonator Twin (age 16)

There were these like 40 year old twins that lived across from the library that we called the Resonator Twins because we once heard one of them say the word resonator and thought it was funny. A few of us decided to dress as them and go to their door on Halloween. We wore overalls and big black moustaches with pillows for big guts. They thought we were plumbers. I got a mini Oh Henry bar and kept it on my shelf in my room for about 2 years until a mouse ate it.

Mexican Zombie (age 17)

Zombie mask, poncho and a Sombrero. I’m not sure why.

King Tut (age 18)

Not the long dead Pharaoh. This was a character that I made up for a friend’s English class movie. He was kind of a cross between Sleazy P. Martini from Gwar and Borat. The outfit involved a 70s 3 piece suit, afro wig and moustache (the same moustache from the Resonator Twins days). I used to dress like King Tut quite a bit and walk around Burlington (for fun??!!) The movie we made was great. I wish I still had a copy.

Gay Scout Master (age 19)

I put on my dad’s old scout leader uniform and tied the shirt up around my chest ala Daisy Duke. The result? Very creepy. Especially when I was handing out candy to kids.

A Skid (age 20)

This was one of my favorite costumes. I had long black hair and a black baseball cap. A realistic black handlebar moustache, dirty old jeans and work boots, a chain wallet, a leather hip pack and a Skid Row “Slave to the Grind” t-shirt. None of my friends recognized me. I still have the t-shirt and wore it again years later to a white-trash Christmas party.

Beater Kid (21)

I don’t remember much about this costume. I was just supposed to be a kid that was big into hip-hop. Mainly to make fun of kids that were big into hip hop.

Scottish Football Hooligan (age 22)

This was a good one. Rangers track-suit, tartan hat with red hair, gold chains and rings, Scotland tattooed on my knuckles and red chest hair. Sadly I have family members that are kind of like this for real.

I Can’t Remember (age 23)

I Can’t Remember (age 24)

A Goth (age 25)

Pretty self explanatory. My girlfriend and I thought it would be funny. The best part is when we were at a party and someone looked at us and said “What are those Goths doing here?” Success.

Medieval Knievel (age 26)

I was going to a medieval themed Halloween party so I dressed part knight and part 70s daredevil. I wore a knight’s costume but I also had a crash helmet with a knight’s grill on it with Medieval Knieval written on the back in old English, mirror shades and biker gloves .

Alex from Clockwork Orange (age 27)

I DJed a night called Droog back then so it seemed fitting. The costume was pretty good considering I threw it all together on the night.

Scrambled Porn (age 28)

I was the scrambled porn station on your tv. I got a big cardboard box and made it into a tv set with a little channel 69 number in the corner. I painted my face blue and had a moustache. I bought a yellow t-shirt and painted a blue tit, some squiggly lines and a green boner on it. Beautiful in its simplicity.

Contrived Punk Rock (age 29)

This one is kind of hard to explain. My girlfriend and I wanted to go as this Punk Rock couple from an old Canadian disco show from back in the 70s. I’ve tried to find the video to post but I can’t. The video is awesome, our costumes…. not so much.

Liverpool Football Hooligan (age 30)

I was going to a party and couldn’t decide what to be. It seemed easy and it was. I wore pretty myuch what I wear anyways with a black eye and some fake tattoos.

Didn’t Dress Up (age 31)

Didn’t Dress Up (age 32)

Whew!That was fun. My brain hurts. See what I mean, the past 2 years… nothing. Next year I have to dress up. Thanks for reading. Hope you had a Happy Halloween.


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