I've got it all figured out.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

"You are a disgusting fat body!"

There are two kinds of fat people. Now when I say fat I’m talking about gigantic, take a second look when you see them coming fat. I’m talking Jumbos. The first kind is the embarrassed fat. These are the people that are ashamed of their girth. They order a second diet Coke at McDonalds so you think they’re ordering for two and then eat it all in their car instead of the restaurant. They often seem to wind up getting fatter and fatter as they quell their depression with more and more food until they’re so big that they can’t get out of bed and lay around Jabba the Hut style until they die and have to be taken out of the house by piano movers. The second kind of fat are the shameless fats. These people start their day with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, wash it all down with a 2L bottle of Mountain Dew, wipe their mouth with their belly, burp and smile at the world. SF women go out in tube tops and mini-skirts, SF men wear Speedos at the beach. They just don’t care. They let their fat-flag fly. Now I’m all for this. If they’re not ready to deal with their problem then there’s no reason for them to get all depressed about it and cry themselves to sleep every night between mouthfuls of Quiznos. They’re only dooming themselves to Jabbaesque death. So shameless fats, enjoy yourself. Have that extra piece (or whole) pie. Maybe consider joining the competitive eating circuit. Who knows, maybe for you that would be like going on a diet. Just do us all one favor. Don’t go around acting like this guy.

P.S. If you liked that you're going to love this

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