Behold! The Ball Bra.

I don’t watch Dragon’s Den but someone told me that the guy who invented the Ball Bra was on the other night and he almost got a deal for this! He says he’s already sold 10,000 of them!!! Please excuse me while I load the words “What the Fuck” into a cannon and fire them into space.

I can’t figure out for the life of me what the Ball Bra does. I visited their website http://www.ballbra.com/ and I did learn a few things, such as:



-Ordering a Ball Bra will make me part of “The Legacy”. The legacy of what? Douche bags that go around showing dick cleavage?

-Elastic can be referred to as a “technically advanced waistband”

-“The specially designed open penis area, will improve your daily lives, taking advantage of a mans busy schedule.” Wow. That’s some sentence. Um, time to reload the What the Fuck cannon.

-The silk Ball Bra is made for “the modern influential man”.

-The Seaman Ball Bra “triggers your style senses”.

-The G. I. Ball Bra “will change your life”. What does it do, make you enlist?

-They sell Ball Bra t-shirts! Who? I ask you who? WHO?

-If you click on the “sizing” section you will see a handy chart that shows you “how to measure your balls“. Why isn’t this framed in every men’s department?

Seeing as their website left me even more confused I decided to get a second opinion from this site:

http://mixarticles.krpmag.com/a-man-can-have-a-bra-%E2%80%93-ballbra.html

Here’s what I learned from Mixarticles:

-“The cup will hold your big balls in place and you also can have your penis out of the cup or stay in the cup with your balls.”

- Borat is now penning Ball Bra reviews.

So it appears that the Ball Bra has no purpose, apart from making the wearer sexy.

Look here Ball Bra. People that would wear you don’t need any encouragement. Men should not be intentionally sexy. How are you going to be suave and sexy in those “European briefs” when you have a big gross boner snaking out the side? And how is your partner ever going to take you serious again when she sees you in a Ball Bra? You might as well come to bed wearing this.

Ashes to ashes, dust to stuffed crust.

I read an article yesterday that said pizza places in Naples, Italy may be using coffin wood to bake their pizzas. And not new coffin wood either. Ueeewwwsed coffin wood. Mwooooooh Ha ha ha ha ha!

An Italian daily newspaper called Il Giornale said,

A gang might have set up a market for (dug up) coffins sold to hard-hearted owners of bakeries and pizzerias looking to save money on wood

That has to be one the dumbest idea since the Ball Bra. First of all wouldn’t it be a lot easier, less incriminating and more super-naturally friendly to just illegally chop down some trees and sell that wood to pizza store owners? Is there some sort of tree/wood shortage in Naples that I don’t know about? It’s a possibility. A quick photo search of Naples just turned out lots of pictures of garbage.

I suppose they could use garbage to bake their pizzas but unfortunately that would infringe on Domino’s Pizza’s international copyright laws.

So instead Naples probably exports their garbage to be used as toppings in these pizzas

But alright let’s say it is worth digging up coffins just to sell the wood. Would it still be any good? Doesn’t it get all dirty and rotten under the ground with the worms crawling in and the worms crawling out and all that? I know every movie I see where zombies comes back to life, they just bust out of those things like tissue paper.



Yet zombies don’t seem all that solid themselves .



And what about all that toxic varnish and paint and satin? People aren’t exactly getting buried in pine boxes anymore.

Oh well, I cooked a hotdog over a citronella candle once and I’m fine.

If I was the owner of one of these coffin cooking pizzerias I would embrace it for the hype. I’d be the one offering up the real tombstone pizzas. Fuck, my oven would be made out of tombstones!

I don’t know if I could offer 100% real cheese like that guy up there (that sounds expensive) but I would guarantee that all my pizzas would be cooked on an authentic stolen tombstone heated by real coffins (and possibly dead bodies). If things went well I could start selling them in vending machines too.

(Pizzas cooked with dead people couldn’t taste worse then this)

I’m sure I could heat the vending machines with pet coffins or midget coffins or something. (Do midgets have smaller tombstones? Do they get a cut rate plot because they take up less space? I’ll have to have my secretary look into that.)

For the take out orders I could serve them in a coffin shaped box.

(Party Size)

And for my commercials I could have a medium or a gypsy or whatever you call them come in and resurrect Bret Hart so his Ghost could recreate those Crack the Cardboard commercials for Pizza Pizza. Picture this but with Bret more see-through and dead looking.



Wait I just realized it was Owen Hart not Bret Hart that died.

Hmmm. That kind of puts a damper on my promotion. That’s ok. I have an even better idea. Win a free funeral right in my pizzeria! My expert chefs (hobos and or the coffin stealers) will cremate your loved one right in our tombstone oven. Then everyone can enjoy a post funeral personal pizza cooked by their dearly departed.

(Before)

(After)

Mmmmm, now that’s good Grandpa.