When I die don't you burry me at all...

Where do you want to go when you die?

No, I don’t mean heaven dingi. (That’s plural for dingis.). I mean what do you want done with your remains?

Because there sure are a lot of fancy ways to dispose of your corpse these days.

A company called Celestis will load a portion of your remains into a capsule and fire into space. I wonder what they do with the rest?

According to Celestis' website, you can have your ashes shot into orbit, launched onto the moon or just have them take a round trip to space and back. (At least there’s no chance of you burning up on re-entry, hardy-har-har.)



No thanks. I hate space. There’s nothing up there but NASA’s garbage and now dead people’s garbage.

Another option is to sign over your remains to science. Or better yet, sign it over to Gunther von Hagen. The guy that does those plasticized bodies for that  Body Worlds exhibit.

No shoes, no shirt, no skin… no problem!

I went and saw the Body Worlds exhibit a few years ago when it came to the Ontario Science Centre, pretty amazing stuff. Even more mind blowing was some of the entries in the guest book at the end of the exhibit. I still recall a few quotes:

Smoke weed everyday niggaz!


Too many gross dead balls.

Yes, someone decided that the best way to describe their feelings about the exhibit was to crudely draw the Puma logo in the guestbook.

Makes you want to tell Gunther to start mixing the plastic right now.

The problem with choosing Body Worlds as your final resting place is that not only will you be forever gawked at unappreciated by the type of dildos that signed that guest book but you never know what sort of pose your body will be put in. I could be doomed to an eternity of playing Steve Vai’s talking guitar in Yankee Rose.

Or my final legacy could be a hand plant tribute to the Bones Brigade.

Sk8 or Die!

Still, it’s better than being put in a fancy, overpriced box and shoved in the ground up at some cemetery where no one wants to visit you. You’re only chance of any entertainment there?

Some Goth couple getting caught making out on you.

This shithead kicking over your tombstone because he thinks your last name sounds Jewish.

Or someone spilling toxic waste on your grave so you can come back as a zombie.

Oops, that’s not a zombie. That’s a Jombie!

Yeah, screw it. I don’t want to do the grave thing either. I think good old Lux Interior from the Cramps had the best idea. God rest his rockin’ bones.



P.S. I almost ruined my Cramps T-Shirt in the wash last night. What ever doesn't kill it makes it stronger.

Ashes to ashes, dust to stuffed crust.

I read an article yesterday that said pizza places in Naples, Italy may be using coffin wood to bake their pizzas. And not new coffin wood either. Ueeewwwsed coffin wood. Mwooooooh Ha ha ha ha ha!

An Italian daily newspaper called Il Giornale said,

A gang might have set up a market for (dug up) coffins sold to hard-hearted owners of bakeries and pizzerias looking to save money on wood

That has to be one the dumbest idea since the Ball Bra. First of all wouldn’t it be a lot easier, less incriminating and more super-naturally friendly to just illegally chop down some trees and sell that wood to pizza store owners? Is there some sort of tree/wood shortage in Naples that I don’t know about? It’s a possibility. A quick photo search of Naples just turned out lots of pictures of garbage.

I suppose they could use garbage to bake their pizzas but unfortunately that would infringe on Domino’s Pizza’s international copyright laws.

So instead Naples probably exports their garbage to be used as toppings in these pizzas

But alright let’s say it is worth digging up coffins just to sell the wood. Would it still be any good? Doesn’t it get all dirty and rotten under the ground with the worms crawling in and the worms crawling out and all that? I know every movie I see where zombies comes back to life, they just bust out of those things like tissue paper.



Yet zombies don’t seem all that solid themselves .



And what about all that toxic varnish and paint and satin? People aren’t exactly getting buried in pine boxes anymore.

Oh well, I cooked a hotdog over a citronella candle once and I’m fine.

If I was the owner of one of these coffin cooking pizzerias I would embrace it for the hype. I’d be the one offering up the real tombstone pizzas. Fuck, my oven would be made out of tombstones!

I don’t know if I could offer 100% real cheese like that guy up there (that sounds expensive) but I would guarantee that all my pizzas would be cooked on an authentic stolen tombstone heated by real coffins (and possibly dead bodies). If things went well I could start selling them in vending machines too.

(Pizzas cooked with dead people couldn’t taste worse then this)

I’m sure I could heat the vending machines with pet coffins or midget coffins or something. (Do midgets have smaller tombstones? Do they get a cut rate plot because they take up less space? I’ll have to have my secretary look into that.)

For the take out orders I could serve them in a coffin shaped box.

(Party Size)

And for my commercials I could have a medium or a gypsy or whatever you call them come in and resurrect Bret Hart so his Ghost could recreate those Crack the Cardboard commercials for Pizza Pizza. Picture this but with Bret more see-through and dead looking.



Wait I just realized it was Owen Hart not Bret Hart that died.

Hmmm. That kind of puts a damper on my promotion. That’s ok. I have an even better idea. Win a free funeral right in my pizzeria! My expert chefs (hobos and or the coffin stealers) will cremate your loved one right in our tombstone oven. Then everyone can enjoy a post funeral personal pizza cooked by their dearly departed.

(Before)

(After)

Mmmmm, now that’s good Grandpa.